Meat Beat: Monty and Bob’s Christmas Shoot-Out
Monty: Happy Holidays, Tiggy fans! Me an’ Bob jus love this time a year, and you know why? Tis the season to be killin’!
Bob: That’s right, Monty. There’s no better way to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus than with a feast of fresh kill.
Monty: Dasher, Donner, Blitzen and ole Rudolf himself will have pride of place at our Christmas table… as tha main course! We tell the lil kids we shot ’em off the roof. It makes ’em bawl like banshees, but they gotta toughen up sum time, hey?
Bob: Quite right, Monty, there’s no room for crybabies in our hunting hut! Now, seeing as this is the season for giving, we’d like to share some of our golden rules of hunting with the nice Tiggyblog readers, before they head off on their Christmas shooting sprees.
Monty: Thas right, Bob! Ya may be lucky enough to get that huntin’ rifle ya asked for on Christmas time. But ya can’t jus go out an’ blast away anythin’ ya see, no matter how much fun that is! Ya gotta follow a few rules that will make yer shootin’ a lot safer.
We don’t like safer, do we Bob, but I ain’t goin’ to jail no more. I can’t handle no more of that prison life, my poor asshol..
Bob: Anyway, Monty, lets run through a few Things You Shouldn’t Be Shooting At.
Number one on our no-no list is CATS. They may be plentiful in numbers and taste as good as they look, but no hunter worth his salt would take a shot at this noble and elegant creature.
Monty: Tha’s right, Bob! Ya’ll leave them cats alone! Unless they’re poopin’ in yur yard, that is.
Bob: No Monty, not even if they’re pooping in your yard.
Monty: Pissin’ in yur yard?
Bob: No.
Monty: Pukin’?
Bob: No.
Monty: Makin’ them screechy cat noises and doin’ they dirty stuff with Mrs. MacKenzie’s Persian?
Bob: Monty…
Monty: Aww. Looks like dem good-fer-nothin’ cats are off ma Christmas menu for this year. Next up is tha VERMIN. Don’t shoot vermin, folks!
Bob: Now some folk out there are probably scratching their heads, wondering why we don’t shoot rats or other pesky critters. I bet they’re thinking we’re mad!
Monty: I’ll tell ’em why, Bob! Nummer one, you can’t eat ’em, so is a waste a bullets. Nummer two, they is useless for wearin’ – you try sewin’ together 300 rat pellets to make a pair a pants or jerkin’ or summit. You wastin’ yer time fiddlin’ when you could jus skin a moose an’ throw that on. Nummer three – and let me apologize to the lil ladies out there for ma language – but they’s got all kinda diseases from eatin’ poop an’ shit. The rat I mean, not the lil ladies! Although folks, Bob showed me this video thing called Two Girls, One Cu…
Bob: Thank you Monty. So, my hunting friends, just remember our little motto and you’ll be fine – what is it, Monty?
Monty: No Cats, No Rats, No Pedestrians. It’s tha huntin’ code we live by, hey?
Bob: It sure is. Anyway Monty, it’s time to don our camouflage gear and get hunting!
Monty: Thas right, Bob, I’m gettin’ funny feelin’s in my camo pants jus’ thinkin’ bout it. You go ahead an’ I’ll catch ya up in ten minutes, I have to go lube ma… barrel… on my gun. With tha lube.
Bob: Good idea, Monty, it’s always best to thoroughly test your equipment before a long day of action. Have a great Christmas folks! And remember, pets aren’t just for Christmas – with any luck there’ll be enough left over for Boxing Day!
Ho ho ho, only joking, folks! Happy holidays!
I hate phone calls! Sometimes I pick up the phone and the first thing I hear is some guy chirping “Hi! How are you?” Not “Hello, Randy here!” or “Can I speak to Eddie McMayonnaise please?” like normal people do. He doesn’t even introduce himself. A stranger has called me to enquire about my well-being. Is he a stalker? I hope it isn’t that stinky guy that sat next to me on the bus yesterday. I was hoping my stalker would be female. Or at least use deodorant. Pah!
The phone always rings just as I’m sitting down to eat dinner, of course. The other night, I received one of those ghastly telemarketing calls. Some idiot who called himself “Jeff” but sounded more like “Sanjeev” started droning on about reward cards and overdrafts from some dodgy-sounding bank…
