Santa is a bastard! He didn’t bring me a Nintendo Wii for Christmas. Come on Santa, how many begging letters to the North Pole do I need to send before I get one? It cost me a fortune in stamps, and now the lady at the Post Office thinks I’m weird.
How else can I work off all that holiday booze, other than by jiggling in front of the TV waving around a plastic wand?
Pining for a Wii got me thinking about all the fab games I won’t be playing this year. I’ve also come up with a few game ideas of my own. How much would all you Wii fans want to play the following games? A lot much, I reckon!
Snow Shovel Star 2009 – Relive all the fun of a sub-zero whiteout! Select your spade and get ready for hours of back-breaking shoveling fun! Plough your way through levels including Appalachian Avalanche, Dig Out the Car before the Wife Gives Birth, and Springtime in Winnipeg! Great snow shoveling practice for Dad!
Kozy Knitting Korner – You’ll knot want to put down your Wireless Knitting Needles with this awesome craft game! Knit virtual sweaters, socks and fluffy gifts for all the family. It’s not a complete waste of time at all! Coming soon – World of LoomCraft and Potter’s Wheel for Wii!
Espresso A Go-Go – Realize your barista dreams with your own virtual percolator! Use your wand to select your beans, grind them to perfection, then fill your coffee machine and watch it brew! Obviously you can’t drink the coffee as it’s pretend.
ShamWow Mansion – The most absorbent game you’ll ever play! Using the WiiWow Virtual Miracle Cloth, race around ShamWow Mansion clearing up cola, pet stains and vomit before That Guy With The Headset catches you and kills you with his Weapon of Mass Absorption!
If you’re not saying “Wow!” by the end of this game, you must be fucked in the head or something!
Busker Bum – It’s like Guitar Hero for the homeless! Busk and beg for money on the mean streets of Wiiville. Can you make enough money to buy your next wrap of heroin or bottle of meths? Will your audience be throwing you bucks – or buttons? Don’t forget to watch out for violent cops, drunken tramps and overpriced hookers!
Go On, Poke It With A Stick – Ewww, what’s that? Probe and prod for hours with your Virtual Poking Stick! Jab your way through squishy adventures including Roadkill Alley, Poo Bar and This Looks Like a Job For CSI. Icky!
I’m off to copyright these game ideas right now. If I ever get my hands a flamin’ Wii before I die of old age, I promise to dedicate all my productive time to mopping up at ShamWow Mansion. Game on!