Tag: food

Not On My Pizza

Fresh from Mr. Greasy Pizza's Pie Shack. Yum!

I love pizza but despair at the concoctions available at my local pizza joint. Italians had it all figured out years ago. Tomato sauce, mozzarella and a scattering of basil, that’s it. It’s worked for centuries so why mess with it?

May Jupiter whack you with thunderbolts if you put any of this stuff on my pie.

Wrong.Pineapple – Brutal wars have erupted over the contentious issue of fruit on pizza. Possibly. Some crazy people think tomato is a fruit but they are wrong – ever seen a tomato flavour Gummy Worm?

Chunks of tropical fruit should be dangling from pink cocktails, not nestling in melted mozzarella.

Fig, Goat’s Cheese & Prosciutto – Why can’t they just call what it is – ‘Fig and Pig’? Goat’s cheese refuses to melt so burning chunks of it fall into your lap. Even worse than pineapple, fig is full of seeds that stick between your teeth for weeks. The fancy word ‘Prosciutto’ is used to fool vegetarians who think it is some kind of onion.

Non-Italian Cheeses – Was the quaint English town of Cheddar previously a suburb of Rome? Does Monterey Jack originate from the ripe udders of buffalo grazing on the plains of Vesuvius? Do ruddy-cheeked Neopolitan maidens lovingly shred dried-up curds into handy resealable plastic pouches? No.

Donair – If you’re not familiar with this delightful delicacy, Donair meat is slivers of elderly sheep that has been grilled by a lukewarm radiator for several weeks. A pizza shop owner (probably on drugs) tossed this gruesome gristle on a pizza and defiled the dish forever. The Italian Mafia should send him a horse’s head for his sins.

Mind you, he’d probably stick it on the spit and grill that too.

Donair pizza. Wrong. Yet so very right.

Hamburger – I assume this was inspired by a horrific crash involving a pizza delivery guy and a Burger King truck. I can’t quite comprehend how this pizza works. Are greasy burgers strewn atop the pizza along with lettuce and a bun? Or hidden underneath a mountain of molten cheddar like some monstrous Cheeseburger of Satan? Are there pickles?

Why stop there? Why not add fries, fish sticks, cheesecake and slap another pizza on top? Oh, the horror! The Roman Gods must be glaring down from their Pantheon in rage at these culinary catastrophes.

Actually, this post has made me feel quite hungry. Maybe for the purpose of research I may nibble the edge of that Donair pizza, just to make absolutely sure it tastes as bad as it looks.

*nyom, nyom, nyom*

Hmm, maybe just a bit more…


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Tiggy’s Words Of The Day – Spong & Tofu

Two whole words of the day, you lucky people! I must be on happy drugs.

A jolly farmer attends to his lovely flowers.

5. Spong

A real word. And you thought piggle was made up. Referring to “irregular, narrow, projecting part of a field” I believe it is also the sound tofu makes when you poke it with a fork.

If Tofu was called Spong they would sell a lot more of it.

 

6. Tofu A tofu disguised as a spong.

A tasteless wobbly substance with a texture similar to the stuff you find clogging household drainpipes. Curdled bean scrapings are compressed to form mattress-sized slabs of quivering goo. Springy enough to use as a mattress but usually chopped up and put into vegetarian products instead of real food.

The Tofu marketing department missed a trick by not calling it Spong.


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Eat Is Murder

Nice Fishy

Are fish vegetables? Or am I a big hypocrite?

I used to be a vegetarian. I was fourteen and needed to piss off my parents. So I took the advice of my hero Morrissey, jumped on the ‘Meat Is Murder’ bandwagon and abandoned burgers. My mother estimated my latest teenage fad would last about a week.

Six years on my veggie convictions were still going strong. I’d tuck into my tofu stew and complain loudly about the dead flesh my dinner companions were shoveling into their faces. I didn’t get invited to many dinner parties.

Fish Sticks
One evening as I was sitting at a beachside grill, a waiter brought out a massive plate of barbequed fish. The sweet, delicate smell wafted to my table. Suddenly my plate of soggy lentils and green stuff lost its appeal. I began pining for the taste of juicy barbequed prawns, fluffy salmon steak and salty mussels. Hell, even fish sticks would do.

I was determined not to give in to my secret craving. But my resolve crumbled at a wedding buffet. I found myself loitering by a plate of shimmering pink smoked salmon. No-one would notice if I just tasted a tiny flake. The fish was dead and too sliced up to save. So I ate some. Nothing bad happened. I wasn’t struck by lightening. Morrissey didn’t appear and slap my salmon-filled face. The Earth didn’t explode because Tiggy nibbled one little fishy.

Slug Assassin
Now the world was literally my oyster. Sushi for breakfast, tuna for lunch and prawn curry for supper. The world’s fish stocks were beginning to dwindle.

How could I justify my fish fanaticism? Using my own special logic, I figured that even being vegetarian had its environmental downside. How many slugs had been ruthlessly murdered in order to produce those vegetables? Carrots were living things too, but I was happy to rip them out the ground and devour them.

Anyway, fish are stupid. They’d only get eaten by other fish. If there was such a thing as reincarnation, I was simply helping them up the chain by eating them. Next time they might come back as a chicken and they’d thank me for it. A succulent, tender chicken. Mmmm.


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Tiggy’s Diet Tips

Sushi Flavoured Gummy Worms - 0 Calories!

I’m not fat. Curvy maybe, but definitely not porky. But every time I indulge in a biscuit or a cocktail or three, it shows. If I was fat it would just disappear into the folds, but super-sizing myself would take years of dedicated cake eating.

So how to lose those annoying few pounds? I’ve put a few diets to the Tiggy test.

Gummy Worms
I discovered this diet while working at a company that kept a large jar of the gelatinous treats in the boardroom. My wages were too paltry to afford proper food, so I avoided the overpriced delis and helped myself to a handful of wobbly worms every lunch.

After one month I had lost 5 pounds! Unfortunately I also tended to lose consciousness by 3pm, despite the initial sugar rush. Another disadvantage was being fired after being unmasked as the Gummy Worm thief.

Oriental Diet
Inspired by the slim Chinese girl who took my job after I was fired, I decided to try a diet of sushi, noodles and green tea. Nutritious and low in fat, I’d be healthy and rake-thin in no time!
Sushi cost a fortune. How can they charge so much for so little? There was never enough rice and slippery fish in that little tray to fill me up, even if I ate the plastic grass bits too. Green tea tasted like brewed tree clippings. I ended up eating mostly ramen noodles and Chinese take-out (which is Oriental food, so technically allowed.)

One month of plastic grass, twig tea and cheap noodles later I was 9 pounds heavier. Maybe the Chinese girl was on the Gummy Worm diet.

Vegan Alcohol-Free Diet
For this diet I could eat as much fruit, raw vegetables, tofu and pulses as I liked. Bread, dairy products, coffee and alcohol were forbidden.
Fuck that.

There is no wonder food to help me lose weight. Getting off my arse and indulging in hours of punishing exercise is the only solution. That sounds like hell, so I have decided to accept my body the way it is and wobble my way through life. Pass the egg rolls!


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