Tag: food

Tiggy’s Hangover Cures

After the binge, the barf.

As sure as day follows night, painkillers follow parties. One drink is never enough, is it? If only medical boffins spent more time researching an effective hangover cure. I’d go on a charity run for that. Until the miracle cure is discovered, try these cures to escape from hangover hell.

Grease is the word!1. Force down a fry-up. The traditional English breakfast of eggs, bacon, lard and jam is a must for the morning after. The weight of the grease will hold down your boozy stomach contents and prevent them from coming back up. The favourite cure of hungover truckers and schoolchildren.

2. Jogging. This may seem like an unusual hangover cure, but after six minutes of pounding the pavement you’ll be chucking up in the hedges and ridding your system of that nasty booze. Onlookers will assume you are an unfit runner and never guess your shameful secret. Also, it may discourage them from taking up the ridiculous sport.

3. Spend the day riding a Rollercoaster. This method has the same effect as #2, but with an added shot of adrenaline. Nothing sobers up a groggy brain like the impending fear of death as you hurtle towards the ground at 200mph.

The future's bright, the future's orange!4. Eat corn-based snacks – they contain no nutrition but will act like cheesy sponges in your stomach and soak up the bilious booze. Try not to throw up after eating them, as fluorescent orange vomit is not easy to remove from beige carpets, curtains or household pets.

5. Stay in bed and feel sorry for yourself. Or feel anything else that takes your fancy, it may take your mind off your headache.

6. You feel like death, so assume you are going to die and make a will. When you realize how few assets you possess and that your life amounts to nothing, you’ll soon sober up and vow to lead a teetotal and productive life (at least until Friday night).

7. If you cannot avoid going to work, blame your condition on food poisoning. Moan loudly about the odd-tasting sweet ‘n’ sour chicken balls you ate at that greasy Chinese restaurant after Bible study. The boss will never suspect your pallor is due to a mojito-soaked binge at the strip club.

Geddit down you.8. Keep drinking, especially if your hangover occurs during a weekday. Remain inebriated until the weekend, when you can stay in bed and give your hangover the full attention it deserves.

9. If you cannot face work, call your boss and pretend a close relative has died. Keep a list of all beloved relatives (real or fictional) and remember to strike them off the list so they cannot ‘die’ again. I once made that mistake and Uncle Bob dropped dead twice in one month. Try explaining that miracle to your boss. Unless your boss is the Pope.

10. Your body is dehydrated after all that liquor, so drink plenty of water. In fact, hydrate from the outside in and spend the day in the hot tub (remember, you bought a hot tub to go green? Now you can use it when you are green!) Invite your hungover friends over and have a post-party party.

Those boffins require funds to research a breakthrough hangover treatment, so I am going to organize my own Run for the Hangover Cure. Well, maybe more of a walk.
Perhaps a pub crawl…?


Is That Supposed To Be Raw? Mysterious Restaurant Meals

Yum! Spaghetti and... Veal? Beef? Badger?

After this weekend I will never visit a fancy restaurant again!

Last weekend I went to a smart restaurant for dinner. I eagerly scanned the menu, only to recoil in horror and confusion. The menu was all in foreign! There were some words I understood, like fried and with, but the dish descriptions were alien to me. The waiter sneered as I pretended to study the menu. He knew I had no clue, the bastard. Panicking, I picked the cheapest dish and hoped it didn’t have tentacles.

If you are intending to visit a fancy restaurant this weekend, here’s a few translations you need to know. Unless you like dining dangerously.

Mmmm, organic shitty soup with emulsion and pond weedStarters is not called Starters any more. It’s First Dish, Amuse-Bouche or whatever the pretentious phrase is this week. Soup is no longer soup, it’s bisque. It isn’t cream of mushroom, it’s organic shiitake bisque with crème fraiche emulsion . If you are unfamiliar with those ingredients, who knows what could arrive on your plate? A shit biscuit covered in cream paint?

How about panko encrusted scallops with tamarind drizzle ? Anything with a panko encrustation should be examined by a doctor. I don’t know what a tamarind is, or that it causes drizzle (or indeed any sort of damp weather).

The next danger dish is carpaccio. The description sounds innocent enough – warmed winter salad with organic carpaccio . Carpaccio must be like some kind of goats’ cheese, right? No.
Carpaccio is RAW MEAT. Just-dead. No flame has touched its bloody mass.
You end up with raw beef and cooked salad. The chef must have some serious issues.
Perhaps stick with the bread rolls for now.

Now for the main course, sorry, Dish Principal, Fourth Course or whatever the hell we’re up to by now. Attempting to impress your fellow diners, you order boneless grain-fed Cornish Rock with a compliment of seared potato shards and a blemish of spiced Peruvian tomato reduction . Your friends are not impressed when waiter serves you chicken and chips with a dollop of ketchup.

Pan-seared halibut with... green things! Eww.Those dastardly chefs can’t even leave simple Italian food alone. For years I avoided pizza topped with pomodoro, assuming it was some kind of chewy squid. Pomodoro means tomato. Why don’t they just say tomato? And calamaretti is not like spaghetti; it’s some kind of chewy squid.

Sometimes you recognize all the ingredients – except one. Roast (ok) pork (ok) with apple sauce (ok) and seared Ulluco. Uh-oh. Ulluco sounds like it may still have eyes attached. Pan-seared halibut sounds familiar, but unfortunately that psychotic chef has coated it in rocambole jus . Some poor rocambole (which I imagine is some sort of shrew) has been squeezed all over a nice bit of fish. Time for another bread roll.

Thank goodness for dessert! You won’t find any raw cow or crusty crustations in that. Probably.

Although you are reasonably safe ordering anything from the dessert menu, don’t expect your expectations to match what is plonked in front of you.

Four things are guaranteed:

Chocolate cake! With shrew!– Your dessert will be six times smaller than expected.

– There will be a single strawberry and two blueberries somewhere on the plate.

– The plate will be coated with a squiggle of unidentifiable brown sauce (probably chocolate and rocambole jus).

– Your dessert will cost six times more than expected.

If you are invited to a fancy restaurant this weekend, be prepared. Be prepared to face three courses of embarrassment, indigestible food and disappointment. Or tell your host you refuse to eat there as you contracted food poisoning after your last visit. Their carpaccio was suspiciously warm.


Tiggy’s Word Of The Day – Spaghetti

12. Spaghetti

Spaghetti - nom, nom, nom, nom.Invented by the Chinese in 250 BC, Italian food consists of pasta, pizza and parts of the pig you’d prefer to stay in the pig.

Spaghetti is best washed down with a light sparkling Frizzante (produced using a traditional method of fermenting grapes in old petroleum cans).

For extra authenticity, top your spaghetti with a Tommydevito, a spicy meatball made from pork, spices and snitches.

I liken das very much Billy Gibbons, he has das voice of ein Angel!Did you know that the most popular Italian song in the world is Shuddupa Ya Face by Joe Dolce, Italy’s very own King of Rock?

The Vatican were considering making it their national anthem, but the Pope plumped for ZZ Top’s more conservative Gimme All Your Lovin’ instead. Sellout.


Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Omelette Wizard

It's Toss-Tastic!!

Chefs! Why use a pan to make an omelette when you can use another pan? The Omelette Wizard makes that most difficult of culinary challenges a piece of cake! Simply pour in beaten eggs and flip the pan – instead of the omelette! It’s nearly magic, but not quite.

Don’t stop there! Even hunky TV chef Anthony Bourdain would be envious of your cooking ability as you use Omelette Wizard to conjure up a variety of delicious dinners including

* Omelettes with stuff in them, like cheese!
* Fancy foreign pancakes including Crape Suzette
* Bacon and fish sticks turned to perfection

Don't let your old pan drive you to drink!

Great for camping and the cottage, the pans can be easily dismantled to create a super fun set of badminton racquets! (Shuttlecock not included).