Tag: diet

Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Diet Water

Diet water! No, really!

We all know how hard it is to diet – trying to lose those hanging rolls of repulsive flab can seem like an impossible feat! Fortunately those svelte Japanese boffins have invented an incredible new weight loss weapon – Diet Water! It’s fat-tastic!

According to our calculations, regular water contains zero calories, so this magical mineral water must contain minus 50 calories, or something like that! Drink Diet Water and you are actually LOSING weight! Or something like that!*

* Enjoy all those forbidden foods including burgers, pepperoni and lard sandwiches – Diet Water will wash those fatty calories right out your system and replace them with negative calories, somehow! Save up your negative calories as credits towards your next uncontrolled McBinge session!

* Need to squeeze yourself into that wedding dress or manly beach thong? Simply consume nothing but Diet Water for just ONE WEEK and you could flush away up to 2lbs of disgusting body fat!*

* According to our calculations, assuming a margin of error of approx 98%.

It's flab-tastic!



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5 A Day Food Hell

Please don't eat us.Why do healthy foods taste like cack? I’m sorry, but a weedy carrot is no substitute for a moist chocolate cake dripping with cream and hot silky fudge. I know which one makes me feel moist just thinking about it.

I’ve tried to follow a healthy diet, but there are some foods I cannot get past my gullet…

Brown Anything
“Substitute regular pasta and rice with the wholemeal variety!” squeaks the skinny fitness guru on TV. “It will make your heart and rectum happy!”
Have you eaten wholemeal pasta? It puts the ‘rough’ into roughage, that’s for sure! Rather than sucking up silky strings of spaghetti, the wholemeal version feels like your lips are being sandblasted. It has a crunch that should not be there. It’s brown.

I travelled the length and breadth of Italy and didn’t see a single shred of brown pasta anywhere. I guess the Mafia destroyed the Italian wholemeal industry after a ‘healthy’ lasagna made a Don a bit too regular. Well done, chaps!

Brown rice is even worse. Health nut vegans coming to dinner? Out of brown rice? Simply get your hamster to shred a cardboard box and serve the chewy shards with tofu. Your pasty party guests never notice the difference!

Raw Food
My granny swore by raw food during World War II. Having spent her rations on silk stockings and liquor, she often had nothing left for cooking fuel. So she would ‘dig for victory’ and unearth a few turnips to chew on while the Luftwaffe bombed seven bells out of her. That was the wartime spirit! And everyone was as fit as an ox! Not like kids today, mutter, mutter, etc.

Granny was wrong. Most people from World War II are now shriveled, white-haired and have false teeth (probably from all that raw turnip chewing). The epitome of health and vitality? I think not!

Bacteria
Seen those TV adverts for probiotic yogurt? The advert seems to think that having billions of crawling bacteria in your pudding is a good thing.
This is what bacteria look like:

Probiotic goodness.

Can you imagine that swimming around your yogurt pot?

I’d like to know what makes these wiggly critters so good for me. Would they make me taller? Whiten my teeth? Put more smart thoughts in my brain? I doubt it. I don’t know about you but I don’t want any bacteria in my body, thank you very much.

Be everyone's friend at the movie theatre with a durian!Smells Funny
I should eat more green vegetables. But they smell funny. That tempting clump of broccoli smells good at the supermarket, but as soon as I get it home it starts to give off a strange cabbagey aroma. Boiling it turns the aroma into a toxic stink. Dinner guests move outside and eyes begin to water. Suddenly a Chinese take-out is looking favourable.

Did you know the world’s stinkiest fruit is the durian? Imagine a main sewer blockage on a hot day and you’re about there. In many Asian countries you can’t take a durian for a ride on a bus or to a movie because they are banned from many public places (sadly, this ban does not extend to sweaty tourists).

If you can get over the rotting flesh smell, the durian is the sweetest and most delicious fruit ever tasted. Apparently. Next dinner party, I’ll give it a try. It might mask the smell of broccoli.

I feel quite queasy now. I wonder though – maybe there is sales potential in the eco-nut health market for brown rice and broccoli yogurt…?


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Tiggy Investigates Man Boobs

Man Boobs - they're all the rage!

Man boobs have been on my mind. Now the sun is shining and the winter coats are off, I can’t help noticing t-shirted men who seem to have grown lady-like appendages during their winter hibernation.

But what are man boobs? Are you a man worried by the condition? Are you a woman who could do with a giggle? Read on.

Owning a pair of man boobs can result from lack of exercise, bad luck or something to do with the thousands of hormone-pumped, estrogen-infused triple cheeseburgers a busty boy has shoved down his throat. But how are men affected by this terrible tit trauma?

I decided investigate by visiting the local gym to observe shirtless men lifting weights for the afternoon. From my lengthy observations, I noticed there are two types of protrusion.

These are good. Tiggy approves. The first and rather more attractive type is the Resting Pec as I like to call it. These once-proud muscular mounds are reasonably firm and pert, but perhaps require their owners to consume a few less KFCs and spend a bit more time pumping the Bowflex in order to reach their optimum manliness again.

The second type are the more feminine looking he-humps or Saggy Old Witch Tits, the sort of flabby gristle you see on female bus drivers and at over-55s porn sites you accidentally click on sometimes. These poor chesty chaps must have so much estrogen in their system they probably went to see Sex and the City: The Movie and cry when they run over chipmunks.

How do you know if you have harmless resting pecs or worrying witch wobblers? Take this tit-tastic quiz to find out!

Moobs of doom!1. Can you hold a pencil, spoon or small mammal under your mammary gland?

2. Can you kiss your nipples?

3. Do your man boobs hit you on the chin when you run?

4. Are you too overweight to attempt question 3?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, I’m afraid the prognosis is not looking good. And neither are you.

A strict regime of tofu burgers and bench presses is the only way to banish that bosom and replace it with a macho six-pack. Alternately you could move to Bangkok, join a lady boy troupe and perform as a novelty Sumo wrestler/cabaret artiste. Believe it or not, there are a lot of Japanese businessmen who would pay good money to see that.

So in conclusion it seems that having both a cleavage and a cock is not as much fun as it sounds. Unless you think the lifestyle may be for you, in which case have another cheeseburger!

They have big manly chests over at Humor-Blogs.com


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Tiggy’s Beauty Secrets

You're Beautiful, It's True!

I take ten minutes to put on my make up. Five minutes to apply, then five minutes to take it off again as I usually look worse than when I started. My bathroom cabinet contains more chemicals than a crystal meth lab.

I’ve tried every overpriced beauty product on the market and still look like a bag of spanners. I cannot buy beauty at the drugstore, so I’ve come up with some cheaper alternatives.
· Try some old-fashioned home remedies. Drinking apple cider vinegar is supposed to be great for the complexion. I couldn’t remember whether I was supposed to consume one teaspoon or one litre a day, so I tried both. It’s one teaspoon.

· Drink eight glasses of water a day to keep your body hydrated. Improve the taste with a dash of lemon, fruit juice or white rum.

Cocktails - Get your 5-A-Day!· Consume at least five portions of fruit or vegetables a day. I’ve discovered a cocktail at my local bar that contains both orange and grapefruit juice, so three of those and I’ve done it. The fruit juice counteracts the negative impact of the alcohol. Probably.

· Get as much sleep as you can. Three fruit cocktails send me to sleep for hours, so I can kill two birds with one stone.

· Make cheap facial masks using ingredients from your fridge. A mask made with beaten egg, maple syrup and cheese whiz gives my face a nice orangey glow.

· Cigarettes are bad for your complexion, so avoid them. The beauty magazines don’t mention avoiding water bongs however, so I think we’re okay with those.

Remove all the crap before applying to skin.· Moisturizer is essentially grease in a fancy pot, so use leftover cooking oil to keep your skin shiny and soft (remove crumbs and chicken finger fragments before use). And recycling your oil instead of pouring it down your neighbour’s drain is more eco-friendly.

· Yoga. Apparently sitting on one arse cheek with your arm in the air for two hours is good for your body and mind. Combine this with watching TV or playing video games and you’ll be looking good in no time. You must wear a leotard while doing it otherwise it won’t work.
If you follow this advice and still look hideous, remove the mirrors from your house and shut your eyes when walking past anything reflective.
I find this technique works wonders.


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