Tag: cooking

Good Advice with Betty Lemons

Kiss kiss!Good day, dear readers! Betty Lemons here, giving advice on life’s little problems! My friends at the Ladies’ Institute tell me there’s a lot of troubled folk on the internet who would benefit from my wisdom.

So don’t fear, Betty is here! Here’s a selection of readers’ questions from my postbag.

Dear Betty,
My cat just died. I cry every day, as I miss Fluffster so much. What should I do?
Jack, Fredericton

Dear Jack,
Oh, what a to-do! As the owner of many cats, I have this problem all the time. When they stop meowing and start giving off that strange smell, I know it’s time to say goodbye! My poor old back gets sore from digging all those holes in the garden.

Find something to take your mind off your loss, my dear. Perhaps you could take up a sport, visit the library, or masturbate whenever you’re feeling down. Or become a volunteer at your local cats’ home – you will soon get used to working around dead pets, which will make your own loss easier to bear. Chin up, my dear!

Betty.

Dear Betty,
I just can’t get my Victoria sponge cakes to rise! What am I doing wrong?
Anna, Moncton

You'll be dribbling over this sponge cake recipe!Dear Anna,
What a sorry tale! There’s nothing worse than a soggy, flaccid sponge. I consulted with my friend Doris at the Ladies’ Institute; she recommends adding an extra egg, a teaspoon of ejaculate and a pinch of salt to the mix, just before popping it in the oven. It makes all the difference, she says!
Yum yum, enjoy your nice fluffy sponges!

Betty


Dear Betty,
Ever since I discovered mojito cocktails, my life has gone downhill. I just can’t get enough of them! It’s affecting my work, my relationships, and my looks. I don’t want to be an alcoholic, but I just can’t resist that minty flavour!
Gerald, Grand Falls

Dear Gerald,
Now my dear, you probably won’t like what I have to say, but you must stay away from those cocktails, otherwise it will end in tears! My friend Maude at the book club went through a similar battle, in her case it was those fancy vodka shots you snort up your nose… terrible business.

My dear, every time you feel yourself craving mojitos, drink something else instead, like a refreshing glass of lemonade, cock juice, or herbal tea. If you are craving the taste of mint, try dabbing toothpaste around the rim of the glass or penis.

Take great care,
Betty.

Well my dears, I don’t know about you, but my sack is empty. But no fear my loves, just post your questions in the electronic message box below, and who knows, Betty may be giving you some Good Advice next time!

Kiss kiss,
Betty


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Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Sticky Butter Butter Stick

It's butterly friggin' brilliant!

Gourmet chefs! Working up a sweat to earn another Michelin star for your restaurant? Too busy sculpting carrots and flambéing guinea pigs to tackle that pile of unbuttered bread? Banish your kitchen nightmares with this handy Sticky Butter Butter Stick!

Top shouting chef Gordon Ramsay would probably be even more successful if he had this powerful grease gadget in his f*#*ing kitchen!

* Sticky Butter’s computer-designed ergonomic shape means it can tackle even the most exotic bread shapes – and rolls too!

* Don’t stop at bread! Butter Stick can also be applied to crackers, asparagus and as a soothing balm for insect bites.

*Collect the whole range of great kitchen accessories including Ketchup Rifle, Spray Can Jam and Lard Pen!


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10 Things You Didn’t Know About… Cheese

Cheese is Grate!

1. Cheese was invented by the ancient Egyptians hundreds of years ago. But it wasn’t for eating! They used the melted gloop to block the orifices of mummified pharaohs so their insides didn’t seep out.

2. Gouda and Edam has holes in it. But how did the holes get there? Simple – little grubs on strings. Once the wiggly critters have chomped the required amount of holes, the cheese maker simply tugs the string to remove them. What a fun job those little guys have!

3. The World Record for eating cheese is held by Bagwan Amijaad, a doctor from Mumbai. He managed to consume a staggering six Baby-Bels in one minute – without vomiting! Well done Bagwan!

An ancient Roman, yesterday.4. The Romans brought cheese to the Empire after Mark Anthony visited Egypt and claimed he had “consumed the finest delicacy, a gift from Hera, discovered right up an old king’s bunghole.”

5. If cheese was a country, it would have to move to Jupiter as it would be too big to fit on Earth. Although it would sink as Jupiter is made from gas. Ok, half of it would fit on Venus, the other half could go to Mars and the rest of it… Hang on. Assuming cheese is the same density as H20 and the total circumference of Mars is…
Look, there’s a lot of fucking cheese around, all right?

6. What is cheese made of? That’s easy. Milk, curds, whey, cream, cheese and sometimes pieces of goat (called goats’ cheese, obviously).

7. Cheese is so highly prized in Italy, it is illegal to dump it, throw it or fornicate with it. The last cheese-related hanging was of the notorious ‘Fondue Fuck Party Four’ in Milan in 1937. The criminals were hung, drawn, cubed and served with a delicious gorgonzola melt.

A typical cheesemaker, yesterday.8. Cheese has influenced popular music! The Beatles’ Yesterday was originally called Curds and Whey and was a charming ballard about the cheese making process. Then Paul McCartney spoiled it by turning it into romantic drivel.
From Public Enemy’s hard-hitting Wendsleydale Ghetto Riotz to Guns ‘N’ Roses’ sensational Hot Hard Cheddar Love, cheese has rocked the music world!

9. Some things called cheese aren’t really cheese! A Big Cheese means an important boss, cheesed off means a bit annoyed, and knob cheese isn’t really cheese at all! Unless you’re an ancient Egyptian.

10. Monterey Jack got its name from American cheese maker Arnold Pomeroy. He developed his beloved creamy-but-salty cheese using a ‘special ingredient’. Unfortunately the secret went to his grave as Arnold was hung in Milan in 1924 for undisclosed cheese-related crimes.


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Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Omelette Wizard

It's Toss-Tastic!!

Chefs! Why use a pan to make an omelette when you can use another pan? The Omelette Wizard makes that most difficult of culinary challenges a piece of cake! Simply pour in beaten eggs and flip the pan – instead of the omelette! It’s nearly magic, but not quite.

Don’t stop there! Even hunky TV chef Anthony Bourdain would be envious of your cooking ability as you use Omelette Wizard to conjure up a variety of delicious dinners including

* Omelettes with stuff in them, like cheese!
* Fancy foreign pancakes including Crape Suzette
* Bacon and fish sticks turned to perfection

Don't let your old pan drive you to drink!

Great for camping and the cottage, the pans can be easily dismantled to create a super fun set of badminton racquets! (Shuttlecock not included).


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