Tag: computers

Tiggy’s Thought For the Day – Google Image Search

Is it possible to perform a Google image search without finding a dirty picture? Yes, I know Google search has a filter. But turn that bugger off and you should prepare yourself for a journey of unimaginable sexual discovery.

I’m proposing a new game called Google Fuck Bingo. To play, enter a really innocent word like ‘bicycle’, or ‘pigeon’ in Google image search.

So much for little Jenny's science project!

Count how many images are displayed before the inevitable double-penetration/cumshot/naked transsexual photo appears. Player with the most fuck-free images wins.

In the unlikely event you tire at looking at pictures of fake tits and multiple naked gay pile-ups, you could also try Google Bingo with the following variations:

* Dead Cat
* Motorcycle Crash Leg
* Car Bomb
* Hideous Facial Disfigurement
* Foreign Object in Rectum
* I Can’t Quite Tell What I’m Looking At But I Think It’s Dead

In the event this game scars you for life or gets you fired, you didn’t hear about it from me, okay?

Thought over!


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Guest Poster – Eddie McMayonnaise on Television!

As you know, nothing makes me angry. “Where are the rants, screaming and violent rage?” you often complain. I’m not capable of hateful thoughts, so my new guest poster, Lunenburg County Bugler’s star columnist Eddie McMayonnaise has volunteered to share his thoughts on things that make him want to smash things. Over to you, Eddie.

Eddie is cross!“Oooh, I’m So ANGRY!” About Television!

I love television! It’s a great way to avoid talking to Mrs McMayo, who is quite the most tedious company. But do you know what makes an even worse sound than Mrs McMayo – that’s right, the television!

Why do computers on TV shows like CSI: Las Vegas make lots of noise? Does your computer bleep and twitter every time you press a key? Mine just goes ‘ping!’ and crashes. Why is Gil Grissom’s computer better than mine? How come it takes five seconds for his computer to descramble a blurred CCTV image of a suspect, match his face to his fingerprints, detail his entire criminal record and alert a SWAT team to the dumpster he’s hiding in? In five seconds my computer is still wondering if it feels like opening Firefox. Bah!

TV - isn't not very realistic, is it??Why do sounds sound different on TV? Not just computers, but fights. When a burly cop inexplicably downs all weapons and punches the bad guy, we hear this really impressive “Phhhhhwwwattt” as the baddie’s teeth disappear down his throat. When I punch someone, I just hear the gentle click of my fingers dislocating. Bugger!

How come on TV when two people are having sex, they don’t shout out stupid things as they climax, or giggle nervously and make squelching noises like everyone else? How come no-one ever falls out of bed, comes too soon or shouts “Gross! Suck it yourself, you perverted freak!” like everyone else?

And afterwards they just get out of bed, slip on their clothes and go for a coffee. They don’t clumsily search for Kleenex or fumble about with sloppy condoms. Why aren’t they sticky?

Ohhhh, the TV makes me angry now! I’m off to kick a charity worker. Toodeloo!


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Wow Wii! Tiggy’s Interactive Gaming Ideas

Wii Wow Wonder...erm, woman.Santa is a bastard! He didn’t bring me a Nintendo Wii for Christmas. Come on Santa, how many begging letters to the North Pole do I need to send before I get one? It cost me a fortune in stamps, and now the lady at the Post Office thinks I’m weird.

How else can I work off all that holiday booze, other than by jiggling in front of the TV waving around a plastic wand?

Pining for a Wii got me thinking about all the fab games I won’t be playing this year. I’ve also come up with a few game ideas of my own. How much would all you Wii fans want to play the following games? A lot much, I reckon!

Snow Shovel Star 2009 – Relive all the fun of a sub-zero whiteout! Select your spade and get ready for hours of back-breaking shoveling fun! Plough your way through levels including Appalachian Avalanche, Dig Out the Car before the Wife Gives Birth, and Springtime in Winnipeg! Great snow shoveling practice for Dad!

Kozy Knitting Korner – You’ll knot want to put down your Wireless Knitting Needles with this awesome craft game! Knit virtual sweaters, socks and fluffy gifts for all the family. It’s not a complete waste of time at all! Coming soon – World of LoomCraft and Potter’s Wheel for Wii!

Espresso A Go-Go – Realize your barista dreams with your own virtual percolator! Use your wand to select your beans, grind them to perfection, then fill your coffee machine and watch it brew! Obviously you can’t drink the coffee as it’s pretend.

Your very own Virtual ShamWow!ShamWow Mansion – The most absorbent game you’ll ever play! Using the WiiWow Virtual Miracle Cloth, race around ShamWow Mansion clearing up cola, pet stains and vomit before That Guy With The Headset catches you and kills you with his Weapon of Mass Absorption!
If you’re not saying “Wow!” by the end of this game, you must be fucked in the head or something!

Busker Bum – It’s like Guitar Hero for the homeless! Busk and beg for money on the mean streets of Wiiville. Can you make enough money to buy your next wrap of heroin or bottle of meths? Will your audience be throwing you bucks – or buttons? Don’t forget to watch out for violent cops, drunken tramps and overpriced hookers!

Go On, Poke It With A Stick – Ewww, what’s that? Probe and prod for hours with your Virtual Poking Stick! Jab your way through squishy adventures including Roadkill Alley, Poo Bar and This Looks Like a Job For CSI. Icky!

I’m off to copyright these game ideas right now. If I ever get my hands a flamin’ Wii before I die of old age, I promise to dedicate all my productive time to mopping up at ShamWow Mansion. Game on!


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Infected! Vicious Computer Viruses

A long night of frustration, swearing and crying awaits.

I should have spent my weekend sitting in a hot tub getting drunk with naked men. Instead I spent it in front of my computer trying to remove a dastardly computer virus. I knew that Winner Notification e-mail from the Greenland Lottery Board was too good to be true.

What will those horrible hackers and malware madmen unleash next? I predict the following viruses will be crawling around your motherboard soon. Follow my handy antivirus tips to avoid total computer meltdown!

LOLworminfects your photo gallery and inserts improper comments on your treasured family photos.

Ur cumpooter, I haz fukkt it.

The damage from this virus is hard to erase unless you are a Photoshop genius. To avoid embarrassment, simply cut yourself off from family and friends.

DimSumDiallerCalls up your local Chinese take-out and orders $127 worth of egg rolls and pork dumplings.

A virus that orders take-out on your behalf could be beneficial, particularly if you are so addicted to the internet you have trouble leaving your computer. Hungry hackers are currently working on Taco Bell Trojan to create more culinary variety.

Pork SpamInserts random meat-related words into your e-mails as you type.

There is no way to delete this pesky virus, so you’re going to have to roll with it. Or is that sausage roll with it? You will somehow have to integrate meaty musings into your infected messages:

Spam spam spam spam spamity spam.

Your co-workers may think you’re on drugs. Just tell them you’re on drugs, it’s a lot easier.

eBay Yard SaleAutomatically lists the entire contents of your house on the popular auction site.

You won’t know this virus has hit until people start knocking on your door demanding your television, lawnmower and Everybody Loves Raymond DVD collection.
Look on the bright side, it’s a great way of getting rid of your useless junk. Do you really need that refrigerator?

PowerPornInserts random pornographic slides into your important corporate presentation.

Embarrassing picture suddenly appeared in your PowerPoint presentation? Don’t worry. No-one’s paying the slightest bit of attention to your dreary meeting. Those bondage domination pictures will be barely noticed, unless the guy in that rubber suit is your boss.

Spank me! Hurt me! Sir.

Cum On Feel The NoizeOverrides the ‘Mute’ setting on your computer while watching internet porn at work.

Silent sex show suddenly blaring at full volume? Mask erotic moans blasting from your computer by screaming even louder than those dirty porn stars. Wail loudly that a rabid raccoon is biting your leg. This will clear the office in seconds and save you from further blushes.

Plane Crazy – Transfers Air Traffic Control duties from the local airport to your laptop.

If you see this screen, don’t panic.

Like Flight Simulator, only with unfortunate consequences if you fail.

Think of it as the ultimate video game – simply stop the little planes from crashing into each other! Take a deep breath. Extinguish your joint and put down your beer. The fate of thousands of passengers and crew are in your hands.
Bet you regret not updating your antivirus now.

Oh DeerYour computer emits a low-frequency hum mimicking nubile does on heat.

Herds of aroused stags will appear in your garden, fighting, pooping and attempting to ruck their way through your front door. If you have a shotgun and a large barbeque, you’re in luck. If not, be prepared for a long night of deer sex.

If you stumbled across this post by Googling ‘deer sex’ I assume you either live in New Brunswick, or my nightmare virus predictions have already come true.
Log off, shut down and lube up.


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