Tag: birthdays

Tiggyblog is One!

Birthday Blog Girl! Yay.

I love birthdays! It’s an excuse to do nothing at work, drink copious amounts of tequila and spend the night throwing up into a salad bowl. That’s how I like to celebrate anyway.
And Tiggyblog is one year old this week! And what a year it’s been…

My artsy adult movie project The Cock Whisperer attracted international media attention! It even made headlines on World Sex News. Looky here!

World Sex News breaking story!

Despite the international media frenzy, funding for the project was not forthcoming. Bunch of pussies!

Inflammatory post of the year dealt with the controversial topic of… fancy restaurant food. Indeed, I was subject to a barrage of fucked-up-foodie rants and hate mail, and branded a “redneck philistine” who probably drove a pick-up truck to McDonalds every day. Who’d have thought raw beef could stir up such emotions?

Undeterred by my previous film-making ventures, I managed to land a part in a movie! My stunning performance as “Princess” the hot executive was spoiled only by the other 230 people in the shot.

Birthday party at Hooters!And the hottest posts of the year? Thousands of you have become enlightened about that funny herb you can smoke, the wonders of cheese, a valuable collection of new swear words and my quest to become a Hooters girl. You people are weird.

And in response to the all Google searches I’ve had relating to my Hooters post, a) Hooters girls will not let you eat their panties, b) no, they will not hire you if you are over 200lb and c) performing sex acts with chicken fingers is not illegal in Alberta, as far as I know.

So a big thank you! to the 50,000 visitors to my site so far (could some of you please flippin’ subscribe too? I’m not charging ya) and the countless nutcases who have left messages. You guys are all lovely and probably very attractive!

Thanks also to the Humorbloggers, Jenn, JD, Chelle B., Lord Likely and all the other comedy-blog-persons I’ve probably annoyed over the last twelve months.

Tequila and salad bowls are on me!


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Flaming Magicians and Chocolate Cake

Another flaming birthday.

Children’s parties are a disaster waiting to happen. Assemble a bunch of restless children dressed in their best party clothes and fill them with sugary pop and Cheetos. Then run.

Create further chaos by hiring a children’s entertainer to keep the little darlings amused.

The local magician’s audience for the day was a gaggle of noisy seven-year-olds at a birthday party. They chattered and fidgeted on the community hall floor as the magician dabbed his aging face with make-up in the washroom. He lurched onto the stage from behind a cloud of white smoke. The children cheered. Looking like Peter Reveen’s long-lost brother, his polyester sequined jacket glittered in the lights and his bouffant dyed-black hair and pointed beard shone with lacquer. Behold the Great Lorenzo! He looked neither Great nor Italian, but the children were mesmerized.

The birthday girl was summoned to the stage, nervous and giggly in her pretty party dress. The Great Lorenzo whipped up a couple of balloon animals before her eyes, tugged her braids and asked her to help perform the Greatest Trick Ever Seen! The children cheered, waving their Cheeto yellow hands in the air.

The Great Lorenzo - either For Hire or On Fire.The Great Lorenzo opened a glittering magic box and pulled out a velvet bag full of ingredients. They were going to make a magic chocolate cake! The little girl rummaged through the bag and dropped eggs, flour and magic dust into the box. Now to bake the cake! The Great Lorenzo waved his wand and dropped a burning match into the box. Abracadabra!

A massive yellow flame shot from the magic box. The little girl screamed and ran off the stage. The smell of burning bouffant and melting sequins wafted across the hall. The children cheered. “It’s alright kids, everything’s fine!” squealed a voice from behind the flames as a fire extinguisher was rushed to the stage.

The Great Lorenzo emerged through the choking black smoke. A showman to the last, he was not going to let the kids down. He stumbled towards the little girl, who had peed her pants in terror and was crying in the corner. He presented her with a slightly charred chocolate cake. The children cheered again. He really was magic after all.

I don’t know what happened to the Great Lorenzo after that. Maybe he ended up performing in some smoky nightclub in Las Vegas. Maybe he never performed again. And the little girl? That was me. And I’ve been terrified of chocolate cake ever since.


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