Tag: beauty

Beards Are Sexy And I Want One

Arrggghhh! Oooohhh!Its official – men with beards are hot. Wouldn’t you love to fiddle with Dave Grohl’s grungy stubble, or swoon over George Clooney’s latest cock pirate look? I’d run a mile in the opposite direction if they shaved, that’s for sure.

I’ve been a beard fan since I was four and fell in love with Animal from the Muppet Show (I also wanted to marry C3-PO, but that story is going no further than my therapist).

As a four-year-old girl I dreamed of having my own beard one day. My fantasy was shattered after I excitedly informed my dad I wanted a beard like Animal’s when I grew up. Dad had to break the news to his sobbing daughter that ladies couldn’t grow beards. And maybe it was also time to reveal that C3-PO wasn’t a real robot. Childhood can be so painful.

It’s not fair. If women could grow beards just think of the fun we could have with them.

An attractive addition to your beard.– Hairdressers can double their profits as matching hair ‘n’ beard highlights become fashionable. Women can squander more money on overpriced beard-care products to enhance their facial fur.

Accessories like ribbons, glitter and flashing LED lights could be woven into the beard to create a stunning look for the weekly Girls’ Night Out.

– Woke up with a beard that would make Fidel Castro weep? Now you can add Bad Beard Day to your list of excuses to stay in bed. Tell your boss you are sick due to “women’s problems” and no further questions will be asked. If your boss is a man you can take the rest of the week off, they have no clue about these things.

– Coordinate your “lady parts” and beard with a theme! Wow them at the clothing-optional beach with matching Brazilian stripes, or a sexy heart-shaped trim to impress your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day!

Those flashing LED lights could also be incorporated for a seasonal Christmas tree theme, creating a stunning festive display “above and below”.

Just think how many cans of beans you could hide in there.– Beards have lots of practical uses. Never lose your keys or small children again by simply tying them to your beard.

Growing a long ZZ-Top beard will come in handy on holiday as a fluffy beach towel, or use it to hide grocery items you are not intending to pay for.

A beard of my own is but a dream, unless I start taking steroids or save my hair clippings to create my own face fuzz. Lady beards could be the new black! Look out for it at the next Paris Fashion Show.

The cock pirate look is all the rage over at Humor-Blogs.com


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Tiggy is a Bad Girl

What Tiggy sees in the mirror.No, this post isn’t about whips and leather fetishes. Maybe I’ll post those pictures later, but in the meantime I have a problem.

It states on my birth certificate I am female, but I wonder if the doctor made a mistake. I appear female, but I’m incapable of being girly. I only own four pairs of shoes, I’ve never been to a spa and I’m terrified of hairdressers. I’ve seen more feminine transvestites (even the ones with beards).

As you may know from my previous beauty attempts my face does not improve with make-up. Attempting to conceal my morning hangover with expensive beauty products, I look like I’m auditioning for a Rob Zombie horror flick. Those beautiful ladies on the make-up adverts promise I’ll look radiant and sexy, but neglect to add “This product will smudge, crack, get stuck in your eye and cause small children to laugh at you in the Post Office'”. Bitches.

But I’m A LADY! I do Lady things!

If my face is a multicolour disaster zone, my nails are even worse. I’ve seen battery farm chickens with better manicures. Not that I would dare have them done professionally – I’d get laughed out the beauty parlour with “I have an emery board, not a magic wand,” ringing in my ears.

Clothes shopping is a retail pastime for proper ladies, but a journey to hell for me. I go out with the intention of buying nice girly dresses. After trying every dress in the store and sobbing in the changing room until Security ejects me, I go home with a t-shirt and a vow never to leave my house again. Why do lady clothes make me look like a bad drag act?

Tiggy will not be appearing in this publication any time soon.

OK, I Give Up

And the horror of wearing high heels! It’s not a sexy walk, more of a lurch. I would rather use the excuse of being drunk and on drugs than admit I’m sober and cannot walk in stilettos. (Although that excuse doesn’t go down well at job interviews, trust me).

So I clatter awkwardly down the street in my transvestite dress and zombie make-up, about to fall off my heels into the path of oncoming traffic. I wonder how many more are like me. Not that I can tell who they are, as they look like bad drag acts too.

I’m going to stop trying to be girly, burn my clothes and become a back-to-earth naturist. Hippies danced around all day with nothing more than a flower in their hair and seemed perfectly happy. I’ll have an excuse never to leave house and if I do, I would be a bad girl. I’ll post some pictures after the cops release me.

Tiggy, tomorrow.

They like dressing up in ladies’ clothing over at Humor-Blogs.com


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Tiggy’s Beauty Secrets

You're Beautiful, It's True!

I take ten minutes to put on my make up. Five minutes to apply, then five minutes to take it off again as I usually look worse than when I started. My bathroom cabinet contains more chemicals than a crystal meth lab.

I’ve tried every overpriced beauty product on the market and still look like a bag of spanners. I cannot buy beauty at the drugstore, so I’ve come up with some cheaper alternatives.
· Try some old-fashioned home remedies. Drinking apple cider vinegar is supposed to be great for the complexion. I couldn’t remember whether I was supposed to consume one teaspoon or one litre a day, so I tried both. It’s one teaspoon.

· Drink eight glasses of water a day to keep your body hydrated. Improve the taste with a dash of lemon, fruit juice or white rum.

Cocktails - Get your 5-A-Day!· Consume at least five portions of fruit or vegetables a day. I’ve discovered a cocktail at my local bar that contains both orange and grapefruit juice, so three of those and I’ve done it. The fruit juice counteracts the negative impact of the alcohol. Probably.

· Get as much sleep as you can. Three fruit cocktails send me to sleep for hours, so I can kill two birds with one stone.

· Make cheap facial masks using ingredients from your fridge. A mask made with beaten egg, maple syrup and cheese whiz gives my face a nice orangey glow.

· Cigarettes are bad for your complexion, so avoid them. The beauty magazines don’t mention avoiding water bongs however, so I think we’re okay with those.

Remove all the crap before applying to skin.· Moisturizer is essentially grease in a fancy pot, so use leftover cooking oil to keep your skin shiny and soft (remove crumbs and chicken finger fragments before use). And recycling your oil instead of pouring it down your neighbour’s drain is more eco-friendly.

· Yoga. Apparently sitting on one arse cheek with your arm in the air for two hours is good for your body and mind. Combine this with watching TV or playing video games and you’ll be looking good in no time. You must wear a leotard while doing it otherwise it won’t work.
If you follow this advice and still look hideous, remove the mirrors from your house and shut your eyes when walking past anything reflective.
I find this technique works wonders.


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