Tag: alcohol

Taking ShamWow to the Next Level

Wii shamwowWhat’s orange, German and intent on world domination? No, not a Nazi with a suntan, but the mighty ShamWow! The legendary TV ad starring Vince Offer and his super-absorbent miracle cloth has resulted in millions reaching for the phone, desperately hoping they call in the next 20 minutes to receive another ShamWow FREE to use in the bathroom, or on pets, or even on Olympic divers…

Anyway, I’ve been giving ShamWow a lot of thought. Maybe too much thought. Not content with my fabulous Wii game concept, I’ve come up with more amazing ShamWow products that will have you saying “WOW!”

BabySham: New mothers! Wasting too much time changing baby when you could be reading mommy blogs? Simply swaddle your newborn in the BabySham super-absorbent diaper, which holds up to 20 litres of infant pee! If your baby is too heavy to pick up, it’s time to change the diaper! Great for the old and infirm too.

Wow On The Rocks: This take-anywhere liquor solution is perfect for busy alcoholics on the go! Pour two bottles of tequila, half a bottle of vodka and a splash of orange into your ShamWow and stow away in your briefcase or school bag. Simply wring the desired amount into a glass for an instant ShamWow Martini!

shamwow new orleansShamWow Levee: New Orleans! Fed up of your city being washed away every year? Introducing the new ShamWow Levee! This bright orange flood defence soaks up those troublesome floods in no time, without having you having to sit on your roof while your government ignores you!
Y’all be sayin’ “Wowwww!”

SnitchWow: Mafiosi! Looking for a lightweight, portable alternative to concrete boots? Simply wrap unwanted bloody corpses, mangled police informants or crazed Miami hookers in the SnitchWow blanket, drop into the river and let its super absorbency sink the dirty squealer like a stone!
Call in the next 20 minutes and we’ll throw in a Goodfella Goo Mop – great for mopping up those irksome bloodstains!

TenaWow: Ladies of a certain age! Do you suffer from embarrassing leaks or accidents… are you still with me, camera guy…?

Can we mop it? Yes we can!


Tiggy’s Hangover Cures

After the binge, the barf.

As sure as day follows night, painkillers follow parties. One drink is never enough, is it? If only medical boffins spent more time researching an effective hangover cure. I’d go on a charity run for that. Until the miracle cure is discovered, try these cures to escape from hangover hell.

Grease is the word!1. Force down a fry-up. The traditional English breakfast of eggs, bacon, lard and jam is a must for the morning after. The weight of the grease will hold down your boozy stomach contents and prevent them from coming back up. The favourite cure of hungover truckers and schoolchildren.

2. Jogging. This may seem like an unusual hangover cure, but after six minutes of pounding the pavement you’ll be chucking up in the hedges and ridding your system of that nasty booze. Onlookers will assume you are an unfit runner and never guess your shameful secret. Also, it may discourage them from taking up the ridiculous sport.

3. Spend the day riding a Rollercoaster. This method has the same effect as #2, but with an added shot of adrenaline. Nothing sobers up a groggy brain like the impending fear of death as you hurtle towards the ground at 200mph.

The future's bright, the future's orange!4. Eat corn-based snacks – they contain no nutrition but will act like cheesy sponges in your stomach and soak up the bilious booze. Try not to throw up after eating them, as fluorescent orange vomit is not easy to remove from beige carpets, curtains or household pets.

5. Stay in bed and feel sorry for yourself. Or feel anything else that takes your fancy, it may take your mind off your headache.

6. You feel like death, so assume you are going to die and make a will. When you realize how few assets you possess and that your life amounts to nothing, you’ll soon sober up and vow to lead a teetotal and productive life (at least until Friday night).

7. If you cannot avoid going to work, blame your condition on food poisoning. Moan loudly about the odd-tasting sweet ‘n’ sour chicken balls you ate at that greasy Chinese restaurant after Bible study. The boss will never suspect your pallor is due to a mojito-soaked binge at the strip club.

Geddit down you.8. Keep drinking, especially if your hangover occurs during a weekday. Remain inebriated until the weekend, when you can stay in bed and give your hangover the full attention it deserves.

9. If you cannot face work, call your boss and pretend a close relative has died. Keep a list of all beloved relatives (real or fictional) and remember to strike them off the list so they cannot ‘die’ again. I once made that mistake and Uncle Bob dropped dead twice in one month. Try explaining that miracle to your boss. Unless your boss is the Pope.

10. Your body is dehydrated after all that liquor, so drink plenty of water. In fact, hydrate from the outside in and spend the day in the hot tub (remember, you bought a hot tub to go green? Now you can use it when you are green!) Invite your hungover friends over and have a post-party party.

Those boffins require funds to research a breakthrough hangover treatment, so I am going to organize my own Run for the Hangover Cure. Well, maybe more of a walk.
Perhaps a pub crawl…?


Tiggy’s Word Of The Day – Teetotal

Beer and boys - ewww!

Great Aunt Tiggylina Butternut-Mynge and her Temperance Society chums eagerly await World War I.

7. Teetotal

The superhuman ability to abstain from all alcoholic beverages.

I tried being teetotal once. I went to a bar and drank only tomato juice. I drank so much I spent the rest of the night vomiting bright red fountains of spaghetti sauce. Even worse, I was sober enough to remember it.

Kids, just say NO to vegetable-based liquid refreshments.



Piss-Up In A Brewery

Beer and BeerI was invited to the launch of a new beer at a local brewery. Free beer all night. Free food and entertainment. A dream come true!

I arrived early, dangling my party pass at a group of tourists on a brewery tour. They must have thought I was a local celeb attending an exclusive bash. I felt very hip.

I rushed towards the loud music and aroma of sweet, fresh brew. Huge illuminated cases of icy beer filled every corner. “Try our new beer!” beamed a bikini-clad blonde as she thrust her hand into the ice and pulled out a chilled bottle. Forget the feminist implications of this sexist PR tactic, I thought, this chick has free booze.

Cheesy Things
A large buffet table groaning with crudités, nachos and unidentifiable cheesy things was beckoning. Ignoring the more nutritious offerings, I dived straight into the chips and cheesy things. It was plentiful and free.

Two hours and five beers later I was still going strong. Beer tasted so much sweeter when it was free. But the bikini-clad girl’s smile had turned to a grimace. She was probably wishing everyone would go home. All right, she had to stand next to a freezer in her undies all night, but the beer wouldn’t open itself, would it?

Five hours and an unknown number of beers later I was struggling. I couldn’t leave – there were still bottles in the case, swimming amongst the melting ice cubes. Bikini girl was nowhere to be seen. The buffet was empty except for the crudités.

I chewed on a raw carrot but my stomach required grease to hold down the beer. I had to pee for the eighth time in an hour. My hazy brain reminded me I had work in the morning. I would leave, but I couldn’t stand up. The carrot was threatening a comeback. I never wanted to see another bottle of beer again. I had learned my lesson.

Annoyingly, I’ve just been invited to an exclusive party at a cocktail bar. I don’t want to appear ungrateful so I will just pop my head round the door and say hello. Maybe just one little drink…