Pump Him Hard - a good read, but not on the bus.

1. Horse Porn: A History

2. You and Ebola

3. The Hitman’s Handbook

4. Rophynol – A Buyers Guide

5. Wet Nursing Your Grandchildren

6. Pump Him Hard

7. Make It Look Like An Accident

8. Fodor’s Top Ten Whores of Old Amsterdam

9. Pisstory – The History of Public Washrooms

10. Living With Sores

11. Bus Crash: A Pictorial Journey

13. Jihad Made Easy

14. Grow Your Own Brain Worms

15. 30-Day Tripe Diet

16. Kill It, Strip It, Wear It

17. A Red Nose and A Strap-On: Diary of A Sex Clown

18. Human Trafficking for Dummies

19. Cooking Cats the Italian Way

20. Hairy Potter and the Cock Ring of Doom


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Dead is not sexy.Is it wrong to imagine having sex with a dead person? And I don’t mean that in the way you’re thinking. Do you ever watch an old movie, and begin to lust over the hot lead actor/actress? “Woah, that guy is hot! I’d definitely hit that!” Then you realize that this actor is now 90 years old, incontinent and senile. And your lust buzz dies a little. Or even worse, the actor is dead! He is now little more than a hot skeleton. Kinda takes the edge off it a bit.

Do you ever watch a stand-up comedy routine on TV, by a comedian who has since died? Do you feel a bit guilty when you laugh? The guy is funny, but he’s dead. He’s rotting away somewhere in a casket, yet there he is, cracking funnies and full of life. Your humour buzz dies a little. You feel mean for laughing at a dead guy.

Then the comedian makes a joke about… death. And it wouldn’t matter if it was the funniest joke in the world, all you can think is “Oh, it’s so ironic! He’s dead, and he’s joking about being dead, but now he is dead, and it’s so sad…” and you feel time slipping away and you realize the whole transient nature of the universe and that we are only here for a short time and you’re going to die and you wish you’d watched the news instead.

If the dead comedian was also hot, then you’re really in trouble.


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Goodbye Fido, hello Margarita!

Do you love PIZZA? Do you want to make some extra CASH? Of course you do! Simply install an authentic Italian hand-crafted Pizza-O-Torium in your garden – it’s two small businesses in one!

* Set up your own pizza business by delivering fresh wood-fired pizzas to your neighbours! Keep costs down by hiring young children with bicycles to deliver your tasty pies – their ignorance of employment laws will save you $$$!

* Give family pets the send-off they deserve by offering grieving families a “Pets-Away” cremation service with your fiery furnace. As a treat for tearful kiddies, throw them a pizza party after they say goodbye to Fluffy!*

*Pizza-O-Torium is only suitable for hamsters, cats, and spaniels. Larger animals may require prior disassembly before cremation.


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Ah, the swimming pool... so inviting... or is it?It’s so hot! I must get into that swimming pool and wash off all this sweaty gooey stuff. Hmm, what’s that at the bottom of the pool? It looks like a dark brown shadow. Is it a leaf? Or is it…poop? It kinda looks like poop.

No, if it was poop it would be floating on the surface, right? Unless it’s old. Maybe it has been lurking in the pool for days. Or maybe it’s some really heavy shit, literally. Forget it, I’m not swimming around some crappy pool!

It’s a leaf, it must be. Look Tiggy, everyone else in the pool is splashing around and enjoying themselves. They all look respectable enough. Old ladies with flowery swimming caps doing laps, doting fathers splashing their young kids… no-one fits the profile of a sneaky pool-pooper.
But just to be on the safe side, observe everyone and look for tell-tale stains or guilty looks…

Oh for goodness’ sake, just get in the frigging pool! It’s 97 degrees and your sunburn is so bad it’s starting to crackle. It’s just a bloody leaf!

Oh look, an elderly lady is getting closer to it. Come on lady, closer, closer, COME ON you old bint, step in it for fuck’s sake! Bah, the silly old cow is swimming away. Maybe she saw it. Maybe it was her.

Oh good, a small child running along the deck. Maybe if I can push him in at the right moment… come on you little bastard… No, don’t go for ice cream, I need you for my pool shit analysis!

Maybe I’ll just get in the pool in and take a look; it’s the only way to know for sure. But if I’m already in the pool and it is poop, what then? I’ll be tainted! I could rush out and scrub down in the poolside shower… but God knows what I may find there… those dirty pool poopers can’t be trusted!

Doesn’t anyone else notice it? What is wrong with them? I’m sure I can see more poop. See that brown discoloration around the pool filter? Poop, it’s gotta be poop! I can see fecal matter everywhere! Oh my God, this pool is like a giant toilet! How can people immerse themselves in this SWAMP OF FILTH? What kind of hotel is this? I want to go home, I WANT TO GO HOME!!!
.
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Oh, it is a leaf.


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