I’m sure most of you are too stoned to see your calendar, but today is 4/20! The day when folk around the world have an excuse to smoke that gram of pathetic-looking weed they’ve been hiding all year. And the cops don’t mind! I expect.
But what is marijuana? Why is marijuana? Where the hell did I hide my sativa stash?
Hazy History
Marijuana was created by God and all the holy angels after the Universe was invented in 359 BC. The herb was popularized by Moses, as recounted by Jim Leviticus in Bible: Episode III (A New Hopeless) –
“And the Lord said unto Moses, I shall appear before you in a cloud of incense and it will be like, really funny. And you shall bring forth two goats for offering. And a bag of potato chips. No, three bags. And thou shalt barbeque one goat and we’ll get really fucked up. Did I mention potato chips?”
The UK government banned weed during World War II as the baked British public weren’t taking the war seriously enough. The famous poster campaign “Put That Spliff Out!” encouraged the mashed-up masses go out and kill some bloody Nazis, rather than giggling and wavy dancing whenever the air raid sirens went off.
Happy Talk
Purely as research for this post, I will fire up a fat one and attempt to convey the feelings of marijuana-induced euphoria via the medium of the written word…
It feels happy. Oh yes, happy flavours. All day. Flavours of electric panda is what I need soon. Butter. Then in numb, fingers across the breeze like sausages with fingers, burning sofa with matches. I imagine fun? Yes, so.
Then afraid. Time to go under the table, my Lord. Police sirens. Oh! Bad flashing lights, policemans. Policemans with sausage fingers. Are sofa on fire? Happy dancing fire.
Peanut butter, potato chips hungry. Chinese open at this hour? May soon find out. Who is May Soon? Rice Crispies. Lol.
…You see? Pot is perfectly harmless and then sausages.
Weed Cuisine
You could spend several hours pretending you know how to roll a joint. Then spend another hour on your hands and knees extracting spilled bud fragments from the carpet. It’s a pitiful sight, so I suggest befriending an expert stoner to roll joints for you (look in the Yellow Pages under “IT Professionals”).
Another method, most popular at 1:30 in the morning, is to make hash brownies. Simply mix the contents of your fridge with 5 grams of leaf and heat at HIGH (obviously) in the microwave for four minutes. Top with icing sugar and consume charred mess before the fire trucks arrive. A delicious treat for 4/20 day!
Festivities will soon be over as 4/21 approaches, so hide your hot knives. Hopefully the effects will wear off before you are back at work driving trains or performing microneural surgery tomorrow.
Same time next year, stoners!
· Consume at least five portions of fruit or vegetables a day. I’ve discovered a cocktail at my local bar that contains both orange and grapefruit juice, so three of those and I’ve done it. The fruit juice counteracts the negative impact of the alcohol. Probably.
· Moisturizer is essentially grease in a fancy pot, so use leftover cooking oil to keep your skin shiny and soft (remove crumbs and chicken finger fragments before use). And recycling your oil instead of pouring it down your neighbour’s drain is more eco-friendly.
