Stuff it and see!

Tired of paying $$$ to Bob’s Taxidermy for your road kill trophies? Simply stuff it yourself with this awesome DIY taxidermy kit! It contains all the tools and plastic sheeting you need to learn the ancient art of mammal mounting.

* It’s easy when you know how! With a few careful incisions remove soft tissue, mucus and entrails from your subject. Stretch the remains around a mould, pop in some eyes and presto!

Your friends will be so impressed they’ll be lining up at your door with piles of fresh kill just dying to be immortalized!

* Don’t let the beloved former family pet rot away in a hole – the best monument to your pet IS your pet! Fluffy or Rover can now sit loyally on the fireplace or bookshelf forever.

Help your kids through the grieving process by letting them help with their dead pet’s taxidermy treatment. It will make a great school science project.


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That's the spirit!I’m looking forward to being old. Life so far has not been as exciting as I hoped. I was too weird to have enjoyed a flirtatious carefree youth and I’m spending most my adult life sitting in traffic queues and being thrown out of cocktail bars. I’ve decided my twilight years are going to be the best of my (fast diminishing) life. I’ve only got 50 years to wait! Well, 45. All right, maybe closer to 40. Bugger.

I hope my family dumps me at the doorstep of the local seniors’ home the day I reach admission age. Senior homes may be like prisons with flowery curtains, but think of the benefits! Three square meals a day, lots of TV to watch and uniformed helpers to cater to your every need.

I imagine by the time I’m old they will have senior homes in space – Heaven’s waiting room in the heavens. Being weightless will help us old folk move around easily and I’m sure the boffins will have invented some sort of magic space lemonade to keep us fit and regular.

Me and my old-timer chums can float around the TV lounge all day watching remastered 3D holographic movies from the old days. We’ll hovver around sucking Werther’s Original Magic Mushrooms (drugs will of course be legal by then) and watch classics like SAW IIV and Debbie Does Denmark.

Hopefully boffins will have invented an interactive virtual reality pod too. We can indulge our fantasies and have some senior sexy time with holographic stars. Oohh virtual George Clooney, just wait until I get out of this prosthetic brace and we’ll have some fun!

Tiggy in 100 years. I hope.Pumped up on magic space lemonade and as many Werthers Originals we can get our wrinkly hands on, life will be one big senior home house party (at least until bedtime at 7pm).

Old Mr. Jay-Z Johnson in his pimped out wheelchair can provide entertainment with ditties from the good old days. “Oh, ma bitch! Ma Ho! Shake ur Ass, bitch!” he will croak as his blinging gold false teeth rattle inside his bony head.

Maybe devilish geriatrics Mr. Rose and Mr. Slash will wake from their afternoon naps and treat us to some old-fashioned guitar shredding and arthritic-foot-tapping rock tunes. As long as they keep the noise down.

We have nothing to fear from old age! It’s going to be a fogey-fest of liquid meals, happy pills and moaning about how today’s youth don’t know they’re born, the old days were much better. First one to the stair lift gets a go with Virtual George!


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Clowns. They always find you in the end.13. Clown

An illness. Symptoms include big red nose, large pants and a strong urge to destroy innocent young lives with balloon animals. Ask yourself:

– Is falling over in a pair of oversize shoes amusing?

– Does a car that falls apart (that isn’t a Hyundai) tickle your funny bone?

– Has a clown ever done anything that made you laugh and feel happy inside?

– Have you ever hired one of these reprobates to traumatize small children at birthday parties?

If you answer ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you really ought to be ashamed of yourself. Ashamed.

Don’t forget nasty serial killer John Wayne Gacey used to dress up as a clown when he wasn’t out slashing and hacking. And he probably had balloons too. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


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Barack Huuurrrrr Obama!On 20th January 2009, the world will witness an American first. The first President of the United States who is… hot, hot, HOT!

After years of electing crusty-faced old wrinklies, the American voting public has finally seen sense – after seeing that body!

Barack Obama is possibly the world’s first PILF (a bit like a MILF, but with nukes). But are there other contenders for the title of President of Pwoahh?

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Vladimir Putin - Ruskie Romeo?Vladimir Putin – Russia
Who wouldn’t like to be impaled by this Vlad? The smooth-talking Russian is technically Prime Minister, but we know this Leningrad lovely is really running the show! Petite Vlad makes up for his small stature by pumping away on his Bowflexski home gym, then working up a sweat in his Judo jammies!

Just imagine the fun you’ll have as Vlad whisks you away for a romantic weekend survival course in the Ural Mountains. Swoon as he hunts deer with his bare hands! Watch his muscles strain as he turns off another gas pipeline to Ukraine!
Oooh, speak Russian to me and promise not to tap my phone, big boy!

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Mahmoud. All man.Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – Iran
The name’s Ahmadinejad… Mahmoud Ahmadinejad! Manly Mahmoud models himself as Iran’s very own 007 – but he’s loads better than that western-capitalist-pig-dog-infidel James Bond!

With his dashing good looks and stylish jackets, Ahmadinejad lives in an exciting world of intrigue, daring spy missions and stealthy gadgets (like long-range nuclear missiles).

After a hard day pissing off the West, Mahmoud likes to retire to his Tehran bunker with his bevy of burkha-clad babes. He likes his mint tea shaken, not stirred! Otherwise he’ll break your legs.

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King of Bling Jammeh!Yahya Jammah – The Gambia
If you’re looking for hot love in the wilds of Africa, say “Yah!” to Gambian nutjob, I mean president, Yahya Jammah! He’ll sweep you off your feet with a ride in his presidential tank while touring his kingdom, I mean constituency.

After a sumptuous banquet lunch (what poverty?) and an enjoyable afternoon spent falsifying election ballots, retire to his palace gardens for a relaxing game of Hunt the Homosexual. Don’t forget to pack your favourite machine gun and a few million dollars of aid. Rarrrrr!

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Stephen Harper - sorry girls, he's married!Stephen Harper – Canada
Canada is famous for its cute men. So who better to lead the country than cuddly Conservative PM Stephen Harper? With his timeless ‘JFK’ haircut and adorable pudgy face, who could resist this Canadian bacon for breakfast?

Snuggle up to Steve’s famous fluffy sweater as he plays a medley of family-friendly Beatles hits on his piano. But not those nasty songs about drugs and sex – drugs and sex are EVIL and UNGODLY! Everything in Steve’s world is nice and cuddly. Apart from those nasty stinking oil sands, but let’s not worry about that, eh?
Look, fluffy sweater!

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It looks like Obama will be holding onto his PILF crown for a long time yet. Are there any world leaders you would like to have intimate relations with? Or does the very thought make you feel queasy and rather violent? Tell Tiggy!


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