What in the fuck. Is that.

Some readers have asked me to expand slightly on an incident I alluded to in a previous post. I didn’t really want to bring the whole thing up again. But yes, there was a police chase, yes, it was through a zoo, yes, I ruined a small child’s birthday party, but in fairness I did return the platypus. No big deal, let’s not dwell.

But you know, during those dark hours holed up in the Aquarium, I spent my time thinking about the sea and lakes and rivers, and all the stuff that’s in them. And how damn ugly most of it is.

I mean, think about a seahorse. At first glance you might say it’s cute, like a bony horse’s head with no body, and little wings and a curly tail… but wait, that’s not cute, that’s something out of a horror flick! Bodyless floating horse skeletons? I don’t wish to swim about with that, thank you very much. Everything that lives underwater is weird and is dangerous. Jellyfish, sea urchins, electric eels, lobster thermidors – these are scary creatures that would happily slice, sting or zap you to death if they had a chance.

You don’t find this sort of ugliness on land. For instance, puppies, sheep and hedgehogs are cuddly and fluffy, and don’t squirt you in the face with ink when you lick them. Nature has decreed that all the gross stuff lives underwater where it can’t offend our eyes, and all the cute stuff stays on terra firma. Nothing should mess with that. And what happens if these two worlds dare to collide? You end up with a PLATYPUS. I mean, what the fuck is up with that thing?

So that’s why I needed a platypus – to make a point. I just hope the jury sees it my way.


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Mrs. Davies’ class has been learning all about healthy eating, inspired by top TV chef Jamie Oliver. The children decided to write to Jamie and tell him about their favourite healthy foods. How sweet!

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Kids really are getting more stupid.

Aren’t children such little angels? Merry Christmas Tiggyblog readers!


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Honestly, I’d only popped out to buy some spoons, then suddenly it was five months later and I realized I hadn’t updated Tiggyblog. Sorry about that, readers.

That’s not to say nothing has happened to me for five months. There has been a lot to blog about – the Norwegian lawsuits, that police chase through the zoo, the odd stains I now have on my carpet… Oooh and you know, I nearly DIED in a plane crash (the plane didn’t actually crash, but that engine didn’t sound right to me), and I had an out-of-body experience where I nearly DIED, and I woke up in the Top Gear studio right in the middle of them taping a show. That was embarrassing.

So what woke me from my creative slumber? Well, certainly not my muse Dave, who was last seen vomiting over the side of a Mersey ferry. No, it was the guilt I felt when I read that Tiggyblog was recently listed in Amazon Kindle’s top fun 100 blogs in the whole world, or something. My dead blog beat approximately 7,000,000,000 blogs to 92nd place. And that, readers, is probably worth me penning a few more posts, even though nothing interesting will ever happen to me again. You missed it ALL.

Oooh, and did I tell you I nearly DIED the other week…?


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Ladies just love ma meat!Monty: Hey Tiggy fans, it’s time for another Meat Beat with me, Monty O’Drizzle, Professor of Pork and critter shootin’ superstar! And with me is my assistant, Bob Nutter, with some news he saw on the internet television.

Bob: Hi everyone! A fan sent me a story about Theressa Groenwald-Hagerman, the world’s greatest female bow hunter! She has pulled off quite a feat that I’m sure you’ll love to hear about.

Monty: Now, me and Bobby-boy may be men of the forest, I mean real men, who smell as good as we sweat. But we don’t mind seein’ the little ladies havin’ a go at huntin’ do we? We ain’t liberals or homosexuals or nothin’ funny like that. But it’s all fair in the forest, hey?

Bob: Yes Monty, we are so pleased women are venturing into the wilderness thrilling to the kill! Ladies make good hunters, it’s like going to the grocery store and fur boutique in one afternoon.

Monty: Heck yeah, once those ladies start imaginin’ them rabbits as a pair a boots, there’s nothin’ in Hell that’ll stop them from slayin’ those little critters all day! I can barely keep up huntin’ with ma sister Mabel when she’s hankerin’ for a new wardrobe.

What a silly hunt.Bob: Too right, Monty! Anyway, this lady has stolen our hearts, after ripping out the heart of the biggest beast of all! She is the first woman ever to kill-wait for it-an African elephant… with a bow and arrow! Just think of the skill required to find and hunt down a cunning wild animal like a six ton, 12 ft high elephant!

Monty: Yep, them elephants are stealthy critters, ain’t they? Nice to see a young lady doin’ somthin for the environment other than doin’ them those borin’ old walks for peace, an’ cleanin’ up oil spills with tofu or whatever it is them ladies do.

That’s beautiful photo, Bob. Makes ya feel like a man, if you know what I’m talkin’ about. I’d love to get ma mitts on that sexy hot flesh, fer sure. My mouth’s getting’ all wet just thinkin’ about it.

Bob: I don’t think that’s an appropriate comment about the nice lady, Monty.

Monty: The lady? Oh yeah, that’s what I was lookin’ at. Anyways, well done little Miss! I’m hoping next time she’ll go for somethin’ really challengin’, like a polar bear or panda. I’d like to have me some sweet an’ sour panda one day, once them vegan environmentalists quit yappin’.

Ohh, my chute’s gettin’ wet again. Hey Bob, start up that barbeque, I need to get some pork into me to calm me down here! See y’all next time for another Meat Beat!


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