Guess what I've got under the counter.

Like most of you on the internet, I hate meeting people. After my run-in with the last set of whackjobs, here are some more people I will be crossing the road to avoid.

  1. A disillusioned Illusionist
  2. An air traffic controller with double vision
  3. A hairy Ukrainian in a bikini
  4. A waiter with vomit down his shirt
  5. A dental technician high on mushrooms
  6. A quadriplegic marching band
  7. A hairy Ukrainian man in a bikini
  8. A hangman with a theme tune
  9. A piss-stained news anchor
  10. A suicide bomber with a sponsorship deal
  11. A heavily pregnant Girl Guide
  12. A butcher with a boner
  13. An unhappy clapper
  14. A nail bomber with a book deal
  15. A Satanist selling life insurance
  16. A suicidal bus driver
  17. A talk show host with botulism
  18. A robber wearing a rubber
  19. An easily-distracted surgeon
  20. A talk show guest with an itchy scrotum

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What in the fuck. Is that.

Some readers have asked me to expand slightly on an incident I alluded to in a previous post. I didn’t really want to bring the whole thing up again. But yes, there was a police chase, yes, it was through a zoo, yes, I ruined a small child’s birthday party, but in fairness I did return the platypus. No big deal, let’s not dwell.

But you know, during those dark hours holed up in the Aquarium, I spent my time thinking about the sea and lakes and rivers, and all the stuff that’s in them. And how damn ugly most of it is.

I mean, think about a seahorse. At first glance you might say it’s cute, like a bony horse’s head with no body, and little wings and a curly tail… but wait, that’s not cute, that’s something out of a horror flick! Bodyless floating horse skeletons? I don’t wish to swim about with that, thank you very much. Everything that lives underwater is weird and is dangerous. Jellyfish, sea urchins, electric eels, lobster thermidors – these are scary creatures that would happily slice, sting or zap you to death if they had a chance.

You don’t find this sort of ugliness on land. For instance, puppies, sheep and hedgehogs are cuddly and fluffy, and don’t squirt you in the face with ink when you lick them. Nature has decreed that all the gross stuff lives underwater where it can’t offend our eyes, and all the cute stuff stays on terra firma. Nothing should mess with that. And what happens if these two worlds dare to collide? You end up with a PLATYPUS. I mean, what the fuck is up with that thing?

So that’s why I needed a platypus – to make a point. I just hope the jury sees it my way.


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Mrs. Davies’ class has been learning all about healthy eating, inspired by top TV chef Jamie Oliver. The children decided to write to Jamie and tell him about their favourite healthy foods. How sweet!

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Kids really are getting more stupid.

Aren’t children such little angels? Merry Christmas Tiggyblog readers!


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Honestly, I’d only popped out to buy some spoons, then suddenly it was five months later and I realized I hadn’t updated Tiggyblog. Sorry about that, readers.

That’s not to say nothing has happened to me for five months. There has been a lot to blog about – the Norwegian lawsuits, that police chase through the zoo, the odd stains I now have on my carpet… Oooh and you know, I nearly DIED in a plane crash (the plane didn’t actually crash, but that engine didn’t sound right to me), and I had an out-of-body experience where I nearly DIED, and I woke up in the Top Gear studio right in the middle of them taping a show. That was embarrassing.

So what woke me from my creative slumber? Well, certainly not my muse Dave, who was last seen vomiting over the side of a Mersey ferry. No, it was the guilt I felt when I read that Tiggyblog was recently listed in Amazon Kindle’s top fun 100 blogs in the whole world, or something. My dead blog beat approximately 7,000,000,000 blogs to 92nd place. And that, readers, is probably worth me penning a few more posts, even though nothing interesting will ever happen to me again. You missed it ALL.

Oooh, and did I tell you I nearly DIED the other week…?


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