Super Tiggy

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Bah bah bah! Wonder Womaaan!!The other night I was tottering through the snow to the bar when I was accosted by a man on a street corner. This happens a lot, but tonight the request was different.

“You may think I’m crazy…” began the middle-aged guy shivering in his plaid shirt,”But can you do me a favour?”

Before I had chance to kick him in the nuts, he pushed $10 into my hands. $10? I’m worth more than that, buddy.

“Please can you go to the comic store and buy me the Obama Spider Man comic? There’s a limit of one per customer, but I need two for my twin boys…”
Seeing the frosty tears in the poor fella’s eyes I accepted his challenge. Summoning all my acting skills I innocently wandered into the comic book store to purchase the precious comic.

It was my first time in a comic book store. It was a cavern of endless paperback delights, Spider-Man figurines and a feeling that I’d just stepped into another world. And do you know, the guy on the counter just looked like the comic book store guy in The Simpsons. Maybe it’s compulsory.

Then I saw her. She stared back at me from the cover of a comic with a steely face and shiny tiara. My childhood hero. WONDER WOMAN! BA BA BA BA BAABAAA! Suddenly I was five years old again. Wonder Woman KICKED ASS!

When I was five I was convinced I was a superhero. I used to perform daring stunts to prove it. I was Super Tiggy!

Impervious to all dangers. Except kids from the trailer park.– I had amazing jumping powers. I leapt from a garage roof to prove to my buddies I was just like Wonder Woman. I didn’t break my legs, so it must be true.

– I had an invisible space ship. Of course my friends couldn’t see it, it was frigging invisible!

– Peas would magically disappear from my plate using my powers of… feeding them to the dog. My dog could always sense when it was time for his pea-feeding mission, which I put down to my animal telepathy superpowers.

– I could see into the future. I always knew when I was about to get a kicking by the kids from the trailer park. Sadly, my super strength let me down once I was lying on the ground bleeding. Maybe those kids were from Krypton Trailer Park.

Annoyingly, our neighbourhood was never threatened by stray nuclear missiles or three-headed aliens, so my superpowers went untested. I spent most of my time saving drowning bees from the paddling pool, patrolling the streets on my SuperTrike and getting beaten up by my foes from the trailer park. All in a day’s work for Super Tiggy…

“Madam, can I help you? Excuse me, madam, are you looking for something?” barked the comic book store owner.
“Umm… I need a Spider Man Obama comic… It’s for…” I stumbled.
Think, Super Tiggy, think! He’ll realize you are a fraud. Don’t blow it! Don’t let the kids down!

“It’s… four degrees below outside. Bloody freezing!”
“Not a night to be outside, madam. That will be six dollars please…”

Mission accomplished!
BA BA BA BA BAABAAA! It’s Super Tiggy!


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Tiggy’s Bucket List

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I’m not thinking of dropping dead any time soon. There are things I need to do first. So, like those old guys in the coincidently titled “The Bucket List”, I’ve made a list of all the things I want to do before I kick the bucket.

Have you ever done any of these things? If they were a bit boring let me know and I’ll cross them off.

1. See inside my brain.

2. Vomit sake into a Tokyo gutter.

3. Fire a gun without killing someone (for once).

4. Win the Turner Prize for Art with my work Frozen Prawn in a Bucket.

Fetch, Fido! Roll over!5. Win a Dog Show with a cunningly disguised hamster.

6. Drive a tractor into the Sphinx.

7. Eat a jam and spam flan on a trip to Milan.

8. Send back a meal cooked by Gordon Ramsey.

9. Be undressed by kings and see some things that a woman ain’t supposed to see.

10. Endure a bitter and acrimonious divorce from George Clooney.

11. Roll a joint in less than three hours.

12. Ride a Segway around the CERN particle accelerator while it’s on.

13. Crawl through air ducts while being chased by robots.

14. Win an Oscar for my screen adaptation of the Yellow Pages.

15. Accidentally delete YouTube.

16. Run over a pop tart with a traction engine.

My Favourite Spoon.17. Give a three-hour lecture to an audience of people I hate, entitled “My Favourite Spoon”.

18. Think up a funny Lolcat caption.

19. Liberate Greenland.

20. Enter rehab for an addiction to tree sap.

21. Star in a medieval-themed adult movie called Robbin Hood of Sherfuck Forest.

22. Use the ‘c’ word in a company presentation.

23. Invent a new kind of cheese.

24. Take pot shots at kite boarders with a potato gun.

25. Ban the word “soccer”. It’s football.

26. Tickle a panda.

27. Steal a cloud.

28. Open a peanut-themed restaurant and call it The Nut Sack.

29. Un-see Two Girls, One Cup.

30. Tour Namibia on a space hopper.

There’s no knowing when that ragged mob will catch up with me and burn me at the stake, so I’m pumping up my space hopper and heading off before it’s too late.
What’s on your bucket list?


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It's Magic! Probably.

How many times have you prayed for some kind of expensive copper bracelet that would cure all your ailments? Looks like the Big Guy answered your prayers with the simply magical X-Jangle! Made from a rare copper open-cast mined at a sacred Bolivian burial ground, this medical miracle will cure most known illnesses including:

* Itchy Piles
* Bad Hair
* Questionable Personal Hygiene
* Poor Spelling
* Rickets, Rabies and Dry Rot

You will probably live forever* as the X-Jangle shields you from viruses, pollution and even bullets, just like Wonder Woman’s bracelets did! The X-Jangle can be yours for only 24 payments of just $65 (plus taxes, shipping, handling, convenience fee, insurance, convenience fee insurance, insurance handling insurance and $100 administration charge).

* Excluding factors including diet, age, income, genetic predisposition, luck and whether God actually hates you.


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Never be stuck for swear words again!

Fuck. I’m so bored of that swear word. I use the same old insults every minute of every day. Fuck off, screw you, suck a swan, blah, blah, etc. These insults are getting old and tired!

Luckily for everyone, I’ve come up with a variety of new swears, insults and handy phrases you can use for your everyday rants and road rage showdowns.

1. Suck My Invisible Cock – This is a useful insult for ladies. Or men without cocks.

2. Dick Trap – a nice change from the usual slut or whore.

3. Twat Ratchet – Every mechanics’ garage should have one, and frequently does.

4. Go Fuck Toffee – Have you tried fucking toffee? It’s very difficult.

5. Frig Magnet – Not to be confused with the handy kitchen accessory.

Wankatron or penguin filler? Take your pick.6. Wankatron – A great nerd insult. You’ve spilled Cheez Whiz all over the file server, you wankatron.

7. Jizz Jockey – A bit like a Disc Jockey, only stickier.

8. Butt Frog – Not something you’d want to see in your local pond.

9. Mitch – A male bitch. Apologies to readers called Mitch, but hey, wouldn’t it be cool to have a swearword as a name?

10. Cock Doctor – OK, some people really are cock doctors.

11. Twot – Only very posh people should use this, like the Queen or Oprah Winfrey

12. Chimney Whore – I don’t really know what one of these is.

13. Fog Fucker – Have you tried fucking fog? It’s almost impossible.

14. Twatwagon – A great insult for the motorist. Why don’t you go join your rolling twatwagon of fog fuckers… Officer.

15. Nadbadger – A comparison to a testicle-loving woodland animal? Ouch!

16. Kiss My Colon – I’m sure I wouldn’t want to do that.

You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me, Linux boy?17. Penguin FillerGo fill a penguin, you wankatron. Another good insult for nerdy Linux fans.

18. Fuckerydoo – A game played by nadbadgers with the intention of pissing you off. My neighbour played fuckerydoo with the cops and busted my illegal puppy farm.

19. Sharkey – You’ll never hear this very rude word on TV, that’s for sure! For added impact, combine with Fergal – Nearly as bad as sharkey, but referring to a less moist orifice.

20. Jam Banger – Have you tried… oh, never mind.

So, next time some dicktrap driving her twatwagon full of screaming frig magnets rear-ends you, you can let the jam-banging cock doctor know exactly how you feel. Then you can tell that fergal sharkey of a twat ratchet at the repair garage to quit playing fuckerydoo and fix your car, otherwise he can suck your invisible cock. Fog fucker.

No, don’t thank me or send money for adding new swears to your lexicon. It’s just a service I provide.


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