The Dreaded Office Greetings Card

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Greetings cards - say what you mean.You’re sat at your office desk, minding your business and pretending to work when the boss shoves a greetings card in your face. Some office monkey you don’t give a crap about is leaving/having a baby/had the sense to clear off and get another job. And now the whole damn company has to sign a tacky greetings card. By the time the card reaches you, it is already full of witty and clever remarks.

Stuck for something to write? Here’s a few ideas.

Get well soon! Honest!

Good luck with the op! I’m sure the surgeon has extracted stranger things from “up there”.

If you die, can I have your desk? No, only kidding! But assuming the worst happens, can I have it? Only kidding! Although you never know.
Let me know about the desk.

You’re so brave! May you endure the searing pain with dignity, and I hope the very long road to recovery will be worth the obvious distress it will bring to you and your family.

Don’t
Eat
Anything
Too
Hot while you’re recuperating!

Do
Ingest
Every medication you doctor gives you!

Please
Advise
If
Nothing works and you’ll be off work for longer!

Don’t
Be
Long-
Our
Office
Doesn’t feel the same without you!

Look on the bright side mate! That morphine drip will be a lot stronger than that other “stuff” you like to put up your nose, eh?!

You're Leaving? Oh, boo frikkin' hoo.

Now they’ll never know who was stealing all the pens! And they never missed that photocopier. Nice one, dude!

Good luck with your new “career” – when I see a nicely sewn mail bag I’ll think of you.

Are you going to masturbate over the boss’s desk like you said you would? Oh go on, it’s your last day after all!

Congrats on your new career in “customer relationship management”!
Don’t forget this customer likes large fries with his Value Meal.

The washroom won’t smell the same without you! I’ll miss you like you missed the bowl, Lol!
To be honest, that was pretty disgusting.

A baby! Ewww.

Can’t quite imagine someone having sex with you, but well done anyway.

Congratulations! What colour is it?

Here’s to many years of sleepless nights and vomit! Really, it only gets worse. You may regret this.

Yeah, it’s a baby. What a miracle. Special bundle of joy etc.
I know what one looks like, so don’t junk up my e-mail with baby pictures.

I’m so happy for you! As you watched that bloody, mucus-covered being spurt forth from your wife’s hideously stretched vagina, it must have felt like the most special day ever. Isn’t childbirth a miracle?

Does it look like you? Or does it look like the father? Only kidding! Although Jeff in Accounts mentioned something about… anyway, congratulations! I think.

Congratulations on your little miracle! I can’t have children, so I’ll never experience the joy of that first smile. Some people have all the luck! And some of us will face our old age forgotten and alone. Some couples breed like rabbits, while us barren rejects are left to suffer having baby pictures shoved in our faces and hearing the same frigging cute anecdotes again and again in a torturous reminder of how useless we are. Bastards.

Every salesman's wet dream.

I’m so excited for you! It must be the best thing that’s ever happened to you! It’s probably the best day of your life, right? I guess that’s kinda sad in a way. It’s only a sales award after all.

OMG dude, whose cock did you have to suck to get that award?!?!?!
Seriously, let me know.

God bless you! An angel from heaven must have been on your shoulder when you made that winning sale. And Jesus himself can guide you to strive for more! Have you felt Jesus’ love lately? I’ll be round your office in a while to share some exciting news about God’s big plan for you! See you soon!

I know what you did to get that award, you filthy pervert. I was hiding under your desk with my camera phone.
Don’t believe me? Search “Sock Puppet Anal Domination” on YouTube.

Hey Dave, well done! I’m so happy for you. I always knew you were the best. That cute smile, those big blue eyes… you are a special guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.
I’ll swing by your office after work, maybe we can get to know each other a little better?
XXX
John

Now when that office card drops on your desk, you’ll never be stuck for a comment again!

(Disclaimer: Employment termination may result from using these comments. Do not use.)


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Super Tiggy

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Bah bah bah! Wonder Womaaan!!The other night I was tottering through the snow to the bar when I was accosted by a man on a street corner. This happens a lot, but tonight the request was different.

“You may think I’m crazy…” began the middle-aged guy shivering in his plaid shirt,”But can you do me a favour?”

Before I had chance to kick him in the nuts, he pushed $10 into my hands. $10? I’m worth more than that, buddy.

“Please can you go to the comic store and buy me the Obama Spider Man comic? There’s a limit of one per customer, but I need two for my twin boys…”
Seeing the frosty tears in the poor fella’s eyes I accepted his challenge. Summoning all my acting skills I innocently wandered into the comic book store to purchase the precious comic.

It was my first time in a comic book store. It was a cavern of endless paperback delights, Spider-Man figurines and a feeling that I’d just stepped into another world. And do you know, the guy on the counter just looked like the comic book store guy in The Simpsons. Maybe it’s compulsory.

Then I saw her. She stared back at me from the cover of a comic with a steely face and shiny tiara. My childhood hero. WONDER WOMAN! BA BA BA BA BAABAAA! Suddenly I was five years old again. Wonder Woman KICKED ASS!

When I was five I was convinced I was a superhero. I used to perform daring stunts to prove it. I was Super Tiggy!

Impervious to all dangers. Except kids from the trailer park.– I had amazing jumping powers. I leapt from a garage roof to prove to my buddies I was just like Wonder Woman. I didn’t break my legs, so it must be true.

– I had an invisible space ship. Of course my friends couldn’t see it, it was frigging invisible!

– Peas would magically disappear from my plate using my powers of… feeding them to the dog. My dog could always sense when it was time for his pea-feeding mission, which I put down to my animal telepathy superpowers.

– I could see into the future. I always knew when I was about to get a kicking by the kids from the trailer park. Sadly, my super strength let me down once I was lying on the ground bleeding. Maybe those kids were from Krypton Trailer Park.

Annoyingly, our neighbourhood was never threatened by stray nuclear missiles or three-headed aliens, so my superpowers went untested. I spent most of my time saving drowning bees from the paddling pool, patrolling the streets on my SuperTrike and getting beaten up by my foes from the trailer park. All in a day’s work for Super Tiggy…

“Madam, can I help you? Excuse me, madam, are you looking for something?” barked the comic book store owner.
“Umm… I need a Spider Man Obama comic… It’s for…” I stumbled.
Think, Super Tiggy, think! He’ll realize you are a fraud. Don’t blow it! Don’t let the kids down!

“It’s… four degrees below outside. Bloody freezing!”
“Not a night to be outside, madam. That will be six dollars please…”

Mission accomplished!
BA BA BA BA BAABAAA! It’s Super Tiggy!


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Tiggy’s Bucket List

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I’m not thinking of dropping dead any time soon. There are things I need to do first. So, like those old guys in the coincidently titled “The Bucket List”, I’ve made a list of all the things I want to do before I kick the bucket.

Have you ever done any of these things? If they were a bit boring let me know and I’ll cross them off.

1. See inside my brain.

2. Vomit sake into a Tokyo gutter.

3. Fire a gun without killing someone (for once).

4. Win the Turner Prize for Art with my work Frozen Prawn in a Bucket.

Fetch, Fido! Roll over!5. Win a Dog Show with a cunningly disguised hamster.

6. Drive a tractor into the Sphinx.

7. Eat a jam and spam flan on a trip to Milan.

8. Send back a meal cooked by Gordon Ramsey.

9. Be undressed by kings and see some things that a woman ain’t supposed to see.

10. Endure a bitter and acrimonious divorce from George Clooney.

11. Roll a joint in less than three hours.

12. Ride a Segway around the CERN particle accelerator while it’s on.

13. Crawl through air ducts while being chased by robots.

14. Win an Oscar for my screen adaptation of the Yellow Pages.

15. Accidentally delete YouTube.

16. Run over a pop tart with a traction engine.

My Favourite Spoon.17. Give a three-hour lecture to an audience of people I hate, entitled “My Favourite Spoon”.

18. Think up a funny Lolcat caption.

19. Liberate Greenland.

20. Enter rehab for an addiction to tree sap.

21. Star in a medieval-themed adult movie called Robbin Hood of Sherfuck Forest.

22. Use the ‘c’ word in a company presentation.

23. Invent a new kind of cheese.

24. Take pot shots at kite boarders with a potato gun.

25. Ban the word “soccer”. It’s football.

26. Tickle a panda.

27. Steal a cloud.

28. Open a peanut-themed restaurant and call it The Nut Sack.

29. Un-see Two Girls, One Cup.

30. Tour Namibia on a space hopper.

There’s no knowing when that ragged mob will catch up with me and burn me at the stake, so I’m pumping up my space hopper and heading off before it’s too late.
What’s on your bucket list?


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Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – X- Jangle Magic Cure-All Bracelet!

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It's Magic! Probably.

How many times have you prayed for some kind of expensive copper bracelet that would cure all your ailments? Looks like the Big Guy answered your prayers with the simply magical X-Jangle! Made from a rare copper open-cast mined at a sacred Bolivian burial ground, this medical miracle will cure most known illnesses including:

* Itchy Piles
* Bad Hair
* Questionable Personal Hygiene
* Poor Spelling
* Rickets, Rabies and Dry Rot

You will probably live forever* as the X-Jangle shields you from viruses, pollution and even bullets, just like Wonder Woman’s bracelets did! The X-Jangle can be yours for only 24 payments of just $65 (plus taxes, shipping, handling, convenience fee, insurance, convenience fee insurance, insurance handling insurance and $100 administration charge).

* Excluding factors including diet, age, income, genetic predisposition, luck and whether God actually hates you.


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