Next life, he's coming back as a fish dick.

You think you’re having a bad day? Maybe you got to work hoping for a peaceful day surfing the internet, but your boss slapped a pile of work on your desk that will last you until retirement.

Worse than that? Maybe your Aunt Lucy’s life support machine was switched off by mistake. Before she’d changed her Will to leave you a million bucks. That’s bad.

Worse still? You ran over Aunt Lucy’s cat, got fired from your job for spending all day surfing the internet, then got hit by a truck and are now hooked up to life support. That’s pretty bad.

But it could be worse. You could be Sam the Catfish. This is his lousy day story.

I’m watching a TV documentary about some dicks going fishing in a lake in Brazil. These two idiots are chucking in their line or whatever the angling term is, when one of them gets a bite. He excitedly yanks out the line to reveal a wriggling, angry catfish! I’ll call him Sam. I’m not sure if his name really is Sam, but it seems like a good name for a catfish. Anyway, poor Sam is struggling on the line. A bad day for a fish, you think. But get this – half of Sam’s body is missing! The lake is full of fuckin’ piranhas, and Sam’s the lunchtime sushi special!

“Oh dear,” chuckles one of the fishing dicks. “Looks like our supper’s already half eaten!” Poor Sam is half the fish he was this morning, and these guys think it’s funny! But at least Sam has escaped the piranhas…

“Thank goodness!” thinks Sam. “I’ve been rescued from that vicious mob of fish! There is a God after all… ohhhh… uhhhh… where am I…can’t breathe… no… water… oh no… fish dicks!!!”
Not only is Sam suffocating to death, he is also about to get his head smashed in and served for supper. His bad day can’t get any worse, can it?

“Oh, this fish is no good,” dick one says.
“You’re right. Better release the poor fella,” dick two suggests.
Good idea chaps! Throw Sam BACK into the water!
“Fuck.” thinks Sam.

That is what you call having a bad day.


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Tiggyblog is One!

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Birthday Blog Girl! Yay.

I love birthdays! It’s an excuse to do nothing at work, drink copious amounts of tequila and spend the night throwing up into a salad bowl. That’s how I like to celebrate anyway.
And Tiggyblog is one year old this week! And what a year it’s been…

My artsy adult movie project The Cock Whisperer attracted international media attention! It even made headlines on World Sex News. Looky here!

World Sex News breaking story!

Despite the international media frenzy, funding for the project was not forthcoming. Bunch of pussies!

Inflammatory post of the year dealt with the controversial topic of… fancy restaurant food. Indeed, I was subject to a barrage of fucked-up-foodie rants and hate mail, and branded a “redneck philistine” who probably drove a pick-up truck to McDonalds every day. Who’d have thought raw beef could stir up such emotions?

Undeterred by my previous film-making ventures, I managed to land a part in a movie! My stunning performance as “Princess” the hot executive was spoiled only by the other 230 people in the shot.

Birthday party at Hooters!And the hottest posts of the year? Thousands of you have become enlightened about that funny herb you can smoke, the wonders of cheese, a valuable collection of new swear words and my quest to become a Hooters girl. You people are weird.

And in response to the all Google searches I’ve had relating to my Hooters post, a) Hooters girls will not let you eat their panties, b) no, they will not hire you if you are over 200lb and c) performing sex acts with chicken fingers is not illegal in Alberta, as far as I know.

So a big thank you! to the 50,000 visitors to my site so far (could some of you please flippin’ subscribe too? I’m not charging ya) and the countless nutcases who have left messages. You guys are all lovely and probably very attractive!

Thanks also to the Humorbloggers, Jenn, JD, Chelle B., Lord Likely and all the other comedy-blog-persons I’ve probably annoyed over the last twelve months.

Tequila and salad bowls are on me!


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Wii shamwowWhat’s orange, German and intent on world domination? No, not a Nazi with a suntan, but the mighty ShamWow! The legendary TV ad starring Vince Offer and his super-absorbent miracle cloth has resulted in millions reaching for the phone, desperately hoping they call in the next 20 minutes to receive another ShamWow FREE to use in the bathroom, or on pets, or even on Olympic divers…

Anyway, I’ve been giving ShamWow a lot of thought. Maybe too much thought. Not content with my fabulous Wii game concept, I’ve come up with more amazing ShamWow products that will have you saying “WOW!”

BabySham: New mothers! Wasting too much time changing baby when you could be reading mommy blogs? Simply swaddle your newborn in the BabySham super-absorbent diaper, which holds up to 20 litres of infant pee! If your baby is too heavy to pick up, it’s time to change the diaper! Great for the old and infirm too.

Wow On The Rocks: This take-anywhere liquor solution is perfect for busy alcoholics on the go! Pour two bottles of tequila, half a bottle of vodka and a splash of orange into your ShamWow and stow away in your briefcase or school bag. Simply wring the desired amount into a glass for an instant ShamWow Martini!

shamwow new orleansShamWow Levee: New Orleans! Fed up of your city being washed away every year? Introducing the new ShamWow Levee! This bright orange flood defence soaks up those troublesome floods in no time, without having you having to sit on your roof while your government ignores you!
Y’all be sayin’ “Wowwww!”

SnitchWow: Mafiosi! Looking for a lightweight, portable alternative to concrete boots? Simply wrap unwanted bloody corpses, mangled police informants or crazed Miami hookers in the SnitchWow blanket, drop into the river and let its super absorbency sink the dirty squealer like a stone!
Call in the next 20 minutes and we’ll throw in a Goodfella Goo Mop – great for mopping up those irksome bloodstains!

TenaWow: Ladies of a certain age! Do you suffer from embarrassing leaks or accidents… are you still with me, camera guy…?

Can we mop it? Yes we can!


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The Lunenburg County Bugler’s top columnist shakes his fist and rants about all the things that would get him fired if he wrote about it in the Lunenburg County Bugler.

Me and Prime Minister Stephen Harper agree on one thing. The Arts are rubbish! So-called ‘artists’ waste their time splattering paint about and poncing around on stage, when they could be doing useful jobs like building cars and running banks!

Tonight I have to review a play at the local arts theatre. The play is billed as “An intimate study of one woman’s journey through life and spirituality, reflected against the backdrop of social turmoil and political strife in 1960s Belfast”. Gahhhh!

Why are plays always about dramatic spiritual journeys and social turmoil? Why can’t they be about monkeys or something? I’d like to see a play about monkeys.

Tomorrow I have to attend an open night at the local Gallery of Modern Art. They have nibbles, which is the main reason I’m going. But how am I going to make polite conversation with the fancy art crowd about this:

Rabbits... teeth... erm...

Apparently, this work is a study of the symbolic progression of climate change as perceived through the eyes of nature…. I can see rabbits. With boobs? Are those things pretzels? What?

The stray cats at the local dump have created better art than that! No really, they have:

Lol, cat art.

Not bad for a first attempt, Tiddles!

Ohhh, I’m so cross I’m going to set fire to the Fire Station and call it Art. Ta-ta!


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