High there! Today is 4/20, or World Cannabis day, the annual celebration of the plant George Washington instructed us to “sow… everywhere!”
But before you fire up that bong in celebration, beware! The Man has deemed the cannabis plant is evil and illegal, and you don’t want to upset all those criminals making money from the war on drugs oil industry pharmaceutical companies alcohol industry respectable law-abiding citizens, do you?
So where to hide your outlawed herbal horde?
Really bad places to hide your stash
Socks: Hiding those precious buds in an old pair of socks may seem foolproof. But your socks will smell skunkier than a Snoop Dogg tour bus. And one day you will need those socks. They will be the only clean socks available on the morning of that important job interview. Or you’ll have to fashion them into sock puppets to entertain a group of small children at a birthday party. It happens.
I wonder… Sock puppets + weed = Idea for The Muppet Show?
Cakes, Muffins and ‘Special’ Scones: Bad idea. An innocent chocolate hash cake could easily end up in the wrong mouths, and devoured by a group of small children at a birthday party. Or at the County Fair Bake Sale. To be honest, a County Fair Baked Sale would be a lot more fun.
Underpants: Never store your stash in your underpants, particularly if a) it is a very hot day and b) you are intending to sell your wares to passersby.
Industrial Hemp: Do not attempt to grow weed in an industrial hemp field. You may think you’re being cunning, but consider a) how you are going to find your crop in a field full of identical plants, especially if you’re stoned and b) hemp plants will savagely fornicate with and pollinate your precious plant, rendering it about as potent as a privet hedge. You’d get higher smoking your socks.
A hole in the ground: Something will get to your stash before you. Worms like to get high too! Imagine if you were a worm, grubbing around in mud all day. You’d have nothing to look forward to in life except digging holes, more mud, and then being yanked out of the ground by a starling.
Can you imagine bumping into a bag of weed? Wow! A quick sniff and you’d be floating around your wormhole composing cool worm music, inventing magical mud-powered flying machines…then some gardening dick would slice you in half with a spade.
Then they’d be two of you! Trippy.
I wonder… is that how Cheech and Chong happened?
Really good place to hide your stash
Inside Billy Bob Thornton’s latest CD: It’s not like anyone is ever going to open that.
Dog Treats: Store your stash inside a box of meaty treaty Yummy Bones. In the event the cops arrive with their sniffer dogs, the slobbering bastards will seek out and devour the crunchy canine cookies… along with all the evidence!
I don’t know why cops like Yummy Bones, but there you go.
In an old coffee jar wrapped in plastic and hidden under a brick by the garage door: It works for me.
Your neighbour’s house: The respectable couple next door with the neat lawn and shiny RV won’t notice if you hide your stash under their deck. They’d never be suspected of having weed on their premises! Unless your neighbours are Cheech and Chong. Or Willie Nelson. Or Marc Emery. Or school teachers. Or NASA scientists. Or humour bloggers. Or…
Happy 4/20 everyone! I’m off to join the celebrations outside, where I can see flashing red and blue lights outside my garage door. It must be a parade or something.
Same time next year, stoners!
Ghost In the Machine: Hey intern, I heard your cubicle is haunted! The last guy who worked there was always complaining about flickering screens, catastrophic data losses and strange voices coming from the speakers. The IT department couldn’t work it out. Strange how the cops have never found that guy’s body…
