Fields of green.

High there! Today is 4/20, or World Cannabis day, the annual celebration of the plant George Washington instructed us to “sow… everywhere!”
But before you fire up that bong in celebration, beware! The Man has deemed the cannabis plant is evil and illegal, and you don’t want to upset all those criminals making money from the war on drugs oil industry pharmaceutical companies alcohol industry respectable law-abiding citizens, do you?
So where to hide your outlawed herbal horde?

Really bad places to hide your stash

Socks: Hiding those precious buds in an old pair of socks may seem foolproof. But your socks will smell skunkier than a Snoop Dogg tour bus. And one day you will need those socks. They will be the only clean socks available on the morning of that important job interview. Or you’ll have to fashion them into sock puppets to entertain a group of small children at a birthday party. It happens.

I wonder… Sock puppets + weed = Idea for The Muppet Show?

Cakes, Muffins and ‘Special’ Scones: Bad idea. An innocent chocolate hash cake could easily end up in the wrong mouths, and devoured by a group of small children at a birthday party. Or at the County Fair Bake Sale. To be honest, a County Fair Baked Sale would be a lot more fun.

Underpants: Never store your stash in your underpants, particularly if a) it is a very hot day and b) you are intending to sell your wares to passersby.

Erm, it was somewhere over there...Industrial Hemp: Do not attempt to grow weed in an industrial hemp field. You may think you’re being cunning, but consider a) how you are going to find your crop in a field full of identical plants, especially if you’re stoned and b) hemp plants will savagely fornicate with and pollinate your precious plant, rendering it about as potent as a privet hedge. You’d get higher smoking your socks.

A hole in the ground: Something will get to your stash before you. Worms like to get high too! Imagine if you were a worm, grubbing around in mud all day. You’d have nothing to look forward to in life except digging holes, more mud, and then being yanked out of the ground by a starling.

Can you imagine bumping into a bag of weed? Wow! A quick sniff and you’d be floating around your wormhole composing cool worm music, inventing magical mud-powered flying machines…then some gardening dick would slice you in half with a spade.
Then they’d be two of you! Trippy.

I wonder… is that how Cheech and Chong happened?

Really good place to hide your stash

Inside Billy Bob Thornton’s latest CD: It’s not like anyone is ever going to open that.

Dog Treats: Store your stash inside a box of meaty treaty Yummy Bones. In the event the cops arrive with their sniffer dogs, the slobbering bastards will seek out and devour the crunchy canine cookies… along with all the evidence!
I don’t know why cops like Yummy Bones, but there you go.

In an old coffee jar wrapped in plastic and hidden under a brick by the garage door: It works for me.

Howdy neighbour, I found this under my deck! Thanks!Your neighbour’s house: The respectable couple next door with the neat lawn and shiny RV won’t notice if you hide your stash under their deck. They’d never be suspected of having weed on their premises! Unless your neighbours are Cheech and Chong. Or Willie Nelson. Or Marc Emery. Or school teachers. Or NASA scientists. Or humour bloggers. Or…

Happy 4/20 everyone! I’m off to join the celebrations outside, where I can see flashing red and blue lights outside my garage door. It must be a parade or something.
Same time next year, stoners!


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Music fans! Confused by the choice at your local record store? Want to get ‘with it’ and ‘hip’ like all the cats at the local Hop? Or something? Check out Tiggy’s Hit Parade!

(Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Do the mashed potato! And gravy. Unless you’re at a Billy Bob Thornton concert.

Hip hop for homo hounds!

4. Songs For Gay Dogs

Fido come out of the kennel? Bonzo batting for the other side? Celebrate your pooch’s newfound pride with this selection of hits from Paddy “P-Doggy” Roberts, world-renowned Trance DJ and gay-animal activist. Your camp canine will adore pulsating dance floor numbers including:

* My Big Bone
* Bassett In The Bushes (At The Off-Leash Park)
* Oooh, Bitch
* Your Teasing Tail
* Snoop Me, Dogg Stylie
* Littlest Hobo Love (You Go, Girlfriend!)

I don’t know if this album caters for the needs of lady-loving lady dogs as I didn’t really want to listen to it.

Next time on Hit Parade – A Puppet Show! No, really.


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Cubicle Wars

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Office cubicle hell. It's like jail, only with more pay and less drugs.

Oh crap! Some dorky new intern has moved into the cubicle next to mine at work. He has a full view of my computer monitor and knows I’m surfing the internet all day instead of working. The little creep will probably rat on me to the boss before the day is out. I need to get rid of him. But how?

Hot Lunch: Instead of my usual bland sandwiches, I am going to start eating bean and jalapeno tacos, fiery samosas and raw herrings. I can use my desk fan to waft the eye-watering aroma straight towards the little twerp. And the effects of all this spicy food on my digestive system will be a bonus. This tactic worked well for my old apartment neighbours who would leave a pot of cabbage curry bubbling on the stove all day. Bastards.

My Friend Ratty: I must let my cubicle enemy know about the office rat. Watch out intern, he’s a vicious little bugger! I’ve seen him pissing on your keyboard once or twice (doesn’t rat piss make you go blind?) And then I shall clumsily drop taco crumbs all over the floor. Maybe I should invest in a real rat.

It’s Raining Spikes: Oh, I’m so clumsy! I’m always tripping over while carrying huge open boxes full of drawing pins. And that towering stack of paper leaning against the cubicle wall – whoops, there it falls! Sorry intern, are you all right under there? I hope I don’t stumble as I carry this large mug of boiling coffee.

Your boss isn't the only undead menace in your office!Ghost In the Machine: Hey intern, I heard your cubicle is haunted! The last guy who worked there was always complaining about flickering screens, catastrophic data losses and strange voices coming from the speakers. The IT department couldn’t work it out. Strange how the cops have never found that guy’s body…
I don’t know anything about hacking computers or causing electro-magnetic interference, but I’m sure I can inflict some damage with a screwdriver, a handful of drawing pins and a cup of rat piss.

Noisy Neighbour: There’s nothing more annoying than a stream of irritating noises coming from your cubicle neighbour. Maybe I should develop a hacking smoker’s cough, or a severe case of Tourette’s? Or maybe a more sinister noise like a creepy satanic chant? My weedy co-worker would flee in no time. Now, how does that Jihadi suicide attack prayer go?

My office now is a mess of sharp tacks, rotting herrings and rat piss. And the smarmy little fucker is still hard at work, oblivious to my spills, traps and random profane outbursts.

I quit!


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I’m A Big Kid Now!

I'm a big kid now.

I thought adult diapers were designed for people with a medical condition until I discovered these cutie-pie XXL sized botty potty bags!

Big babies everywhere can sleep comfortably in their cribs wearing these high quality diapers. But they’re not just for the nursery!

* Never miss a minute of the hockey game or theatrical spectacular while wearing the ultimate in porta-potties!

* Ladies, no need to spend hours lining up at the nightclub washrooms when you can go… without going anywhere!

* A diaper for the winter sports market is overflowing with potential. Spend all day on-piste without getting piste-off struggling with bulky snowsuits in the washroom! Banish that frosty feeling with instant warm relief whenever nature calls! I see Winter Olympics merchandising opportunities here.


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