If I Had $100

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Only $78.65 to go...

If I had a million dollars, I’d buy you a green dress
And if I had a million dollars, I’d buy you some art
If I had a million dollars, I’d buy you a monkey
If I had a million dollars
I’d buy your love…

So sang popular music group The Barenaked Ladies. Well, it’s alright for them, isn’t it? With their luxury jets, platinum records and gold-plated bongs, it’s easy for rock stars to imagine such fabulous wealth. But in the current financial climate we are all going to have to lower our sights somewhat.

What if I had a hundred dollars? Could I still live a jet-set lifestyle?

Travel
Taking an exotic vacation is an everyday task for the rich and famous. I was planning to slip onto a flight to Bermuda disguised as an oversized golf bag. Then I realized it would cost me $60 for a taxi to the airport. And $60 to get back home. That’s $120, dammit!

Magnetic Hill! More fun than, erm...Forget air travel then. What about the bus? Not very glamorous, but if I pretended it was a rock ‘n’ roll tour bus I might just cope. I could pretend the old people were roadies and the lanky students were drug dealers.

Unfortunately, for $100 return I can only get as far as… Moncton, New Brunswick. Bermuda it ain’t. But they do have a magical magnetic hill! I can spend my luxury vacation on a foggy mountain watching cars roll backwards up a slope. Oh good.

Shelter
Forget a penthouse apartment. Forget a basement bed-sit. Forget a tent – they’re $200! But for $100 you can buy a lot of bin bags and a roll of duct tape. Simply stick them together to create a fabulous tent! You can even add an extension by taping grocery bags together. All the stars will be living in them soon! I’m going to take it on my Moncton camping trip.
I wonder… are bin bags bear-proof? At $3 a roll, I bloody hope so!

Food
Jet-setters never set foot in the kitchen – cooking is for poor people! So how can you eat out every day for months, on just $100? Easy. The cheapest food is found in the school canteen. I’m sure we all have fond childhood memories of school dinners and that plate of succulent meat thing, mashed stuff and grease sauce. Yum!

Invest $50 in a pile of textbooks, a bundle of papers and an unfashionable sweater. Roam the corridors of your local school pretending to be the supply Physics teacher. When the lunchtime bell rings, join the queue for your hearty subsidized feast!

If your disguise is too convincing, you may find yourself in front of a class full of bored teenagers. Simply tell them to open their textbooks at page 132 and read to themselves for an hour, while you hide in the janitor’s shed until home time. That’s what my teachers did!

Bargain bling! And a free key with every purchase.Stuff
$100 isn’t going to buy much stuff. I went to the dollar store to splash out on $1 trinkets and shiny things, but to my horror I discovered everything cost $2! Bastards.

Fortunately, I’ve found the perfect store to load up on bargain gems. Murder Mo’s House Of Bling & Key Cutting While-U-Wait offers glittering collection of stunning jewelry that looks a million bucks, but only costs a few New Brunswick Dollars! Now I can ‘jewel up’ and hang with the beautiful people in the hippest clubs in Moncton, without looking like a cheap idiot! Phew.

So in conclusion, is it possible to live like a jet-setting rock star on $100? Well, unless you live in a bin bag tent in Moncton and spend your days hiding in school sheds wearing plastic diamonds… No.


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Pig Roast

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Tiggy on the Spit

Well, the thanks I get for putting myself out! All I was trying to do was help the global economy. Being the kind sort I am, I hired a gang of unemployed Mexican pig farmers to help me tend to my pot, erm, potted plants in my underground greenhouse. I had no idea I was doing anything wrong! Their immigration papers looked genuine to me. And I just sort of assumed those drug laws had been repealed by now.

Of course those swarthy Mexican buggers fled as soon as they heard the police sirens, leaving behind a basement full of empty Taco Bell wrappers and a little fella called H1N1. Muchos fuckos gracious, bastardos!

And then I drag myself off my deathbed to discover that the veritable Humor Bloggers have taken advantage of my absence to haul my virulent piggy ass on the proverbial spit and roast me! Bastardos.

Kirsten, here, from the poorly named Soccer Mom Files.

When I got news from Ettarose that I was to roast the famous Tiggy today, I was very excited. Not because she stole my boyfriend that time, or even because she once signed me up for the Billy Bob Thornton Fan Club. (Yes, I’m still the one and only member.) It’s just the simple fact that you just gotta love Tiggy! Who else will give you tips on where to hide your pot, or how to field dress a deer? I also never knew until I read Tiggy’s blog that there is an actual CD especially for gay dogs. “My Big Bone” would not have been on my iPod otherwise.

I don’t care that she lies about quasi intimate encounters with Hugh Laurie or that she has a thing for the ShamWow guy. You shouldn’t care that she likes to be mean to the new dorky intern at work or has a strange penchant for adult baby diapers. We’re not all perfect, so please be nice to the Tiggster.

BTW, have you noticed that she never posts pictures of herself? There is a very good reason for that. You wouldn’t advertise to the world is you looked like this, would you? She’s not even a real redhead.

Thanks, Kirsten! I think. And I would like to state for the record that a) I did not steal Jeremy Clarkson from her, he was merely helping me get over my split from imaginary Richard Hammond, and b) I do not have a thing for ShamWow Vince. Unless there is a payment of $1,000 involved.

That’s it, I’m cooked. I’m off to sit on a crowded bus and cough loudly. I find it very therapeutic.


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Oh deer!

Hunters – do you have piles of dead deer blocking up your lodge entrance? Devoid of ideas on what to do with your bloodied bounty? All stuffed out with the Do-It-Yourself Taxidermy kit? Thank goodness someone has created this fabulous DVD packed with ideas to – yes – process that deer!

Featuring step-by-step instructions from leading deer processing experts Monty O’Drizzle and his assistant Bob Nutter, you too can get that decaying deer cut and shut before sundown!

* Slash, slice and dice with confidence as you transform your bucket of buck into a bountiful feast of burgers, pies and sausages. You’ll be such a culinary hit even your tree-sucking vegetarian friends will be gorging on bloody steaks in no time!

* Monty and Bob demonstrate 101 uses for a deceased doe and create accessories for your truck and trailer, stunning costume jewellery, a children’s bouncy castle and a replica of the late Charlton Heston!

– Don’t forget to order the slash-happy duo’s other entrail-taining DVDs including

* Beaver BBQ Blow Out
* Black Bear to Biofuel In Three Easy Steps
* You Hit The Cat, Now What?

So grab your rifle and get blasting!


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Deadly ninjas on a coach trip?

Here’s some people I don’t want to meet.

1. An enthusiastic undertaker

2. A swimming instructor with two penises

3. Twins who are married to each other

4. A taxi driver with bite marks on his cheeks

5. A sad weatherman

6. A party of Japanese tourists capable of killing

7. A telesales caller who just keeps repeating “Help me…”

8. A man wearing track pants that smell of cheese

9. An armed robber with a catchphrase

10. A blind TV chef

11. A bubbly anorexic

12. A vegan survival camp instructor

13. A sweaty flight attendant

14. An elderly man with a wire sticking out of his skull

15. Women who buy perfume because they liked the TV ad

16. A vegan Eskimo

17. A serial killer with a heart of gold

18. A mailman wearing make-up

19. An airline pilot with a lucky mascot

20. A grotesquely obese woman licking a pickle


Who don’t you want to meet?


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