If It Moves, Tax It!
Governments are always trying to think up sneaky ways to tax us. Here are some things that annoy me. I think they should be taxed more.
Crocs Tax
I nearly bought a pair of these hideous plastic things once. In theory Crocs are a good idea – you can get them wet and are perfect for the beach! Fortunately, my fashion sense beat back all rational thoughts and I managed to escape the store empty-handed. Phew!
Free Form Jazz Tax
Now I like a good tune as much as anyone. But free form jazz sounds like an orchestra being fed into a crushing machine. It confuses my brain and makes me cry. I sometimes think they play it in trendy furniture stores just to get rid of me.
Tax on the Phrase “Going Forward”
Next time your boss uses this phrase in a meeting, thump him. It’s for his own good. If your boss is a lady, don’t worry as ladies don’t say that sort of thing. If your boss is a lady and uses that phrase, she is really a man in disguise, so feel free to thump her/him. Then call the tax office and squeal.
Cat Tax
This umbrella tax covers Cat Poo Tax, Cat Piss Tax, Cat Ingesting Baby Sparrow Tax and I Only Bought A Cat So I Could Take Amusing Pictures Of It And Post Them On The Internet Tax.
Irritating Receptionist Voice Tax
“Good morning, TwatCorp – how can I direct your call?” squeaks that irritating high-pitched voice on the other end of the phone. Have you noticed how receptionists always sound slightly sarcastic? They don’t really want you to have a good day, TwatCorp can go suck it and it doesn’t matter who you want to speak to because they are going to cut you off in three seconds. All receptionists should be taxed out of existence and replaced with Steven Hawking.
Terrible TV Tax
Oh hang on, I think we already have that one. It’s called ‘Cable Subscription’.
Facebook Tax
Maybe not a popular tax, but if Facebook was taxed I may think twice about spending hours poking friends, sending pretend cocktails to people I don’t know and taking “What Colour Spacehopper Are You?” quizzes.
And as for Twitter…
Tacky Fake Tits Tax
Ladies who show off their man-made mammaries because they think they look sexy should be slapped with a huge tax, or at least compensate the rest of us for visual tit trauma. You’d think boffins would come up with fake tit implants that actually look like real breasts. They spend enough time on the internet looking at them.
Are there any other products or services you would like to see a huge tax slapped on? (Please note: suggestions including Ginger Tax, Fat Arse Tax and Canadian Blog Tax may result in you being banned from Tiggyblog.)
God Botherer: One thing worse than a salesman (or a “corporate account executive” as they call themselves now) is a salesman selling God. They eagerly chatter on about Jesus and Good News and His Plan like it’s the first time anyone has told you about it.
3. Stick a slice a’ ham inside your dumbass boss’s computer. I know it kinda seems like a waste of good eatins, and Lord God knows I never pass the chance to get some pig into me. But hey, the sacrifice is worth it!
