Music fans! Confused by the choice at your local record store? Want to get ‘with it’ and ‘hip’ like all the cats at the local Hop? Or something? Check out Tiggy’s Hit Parade!

(Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Let’s rock around the cock!

A puppet show... in audio! Hmmm.

5. Harry and Terry

Attention fans of freaky little mechanical puppets! Top ventriloquist Terry and his little woody friend bring you the finest in voice-throwing fun… you won’t even see his lips move!

This amazing record showcases the talented duo’s spectacular routine including:

* Tap dancing – boy, that little wooden fella can move!
* Magic tricks! Pick a card, any card…
* Terry drinks a glass of water while Harry sings a song – you won’t believe your ears!
* A rousing rendition of their 1988 chart-topping hit I’m Inside My Best Friend
* A fabulous finale with dancing showgirls and a unicycling hamster

Hopefully a video version of the show will be released in the future.

Thanks to Worst Album Covers for their toppermost of the poppermost record collection.

Next time on hit parade… break out your polyester pants and glitterball for a spec-tacular Eurozone disco sensation!


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Oh My God

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Hey Tiggy... you're going DOWN!

Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God
Oh My God, Oh Your God, Oh His God, Oh Her God…
Pavement, “Shady Lane”

Do you believe in God? You would think I was a flippin’ nun, the amount of times I say “Oh My God!” And I’m not just talking about shouting it out during those sexy fun time moments. For such a cynical, probably-ex-communicated agnostic, I spend a lot of time referring to “God”. Have you noticed how many silly sayings are associated with the Big Guy?

Godspeed: How fast is that? For an old guy, I can’t imagine God is that fast. Maybe he has a chariot pulled by angels. Naked angels. If I was God, that’s how I’d want to travel.

Maybe he drives a Porsche. Can you get cars in Heaven? How would they get up there? When a car dies, does its oily little soul drive through the Pearly Gates? Or does Heaven have its own car manufacturing industry? So there are factories and manual labour… in Heaven? So much for lazing around on fluffy clouds eating Philadelphia dip.

On the other hand, if God is omnipresent he is already everywhere, so He doesn’t have to move at all. This phrase needs a rethink.

According to Jeffery 21:09, your soul will burn in Hell if you eat peas on Tuesday.God Botherer: One thing worse than a salesman (or a “corporate account executive” as they call themselves now) is a salesman selling God. They eagerly chatter on about Jesus and Good News and His Plan like it’s the first time anyone has told you about it.

You then waste ten minutes ranting about how you read the Bible but couldn’t follow the plot, got beaten up at Bible study as a kid, and how St. Paul said eating shrimp is evil but you like shrimp so stuff what he thinks… and all this time the God Botherer smiles and patiently waits for you to either convert or die of apoplexy.

Is hiring these dicks the best marketing plan God has? If I was God, I’d hire the most kickass marketing people I could, get some prime-time TV advertising going and perhaps sponsor a hockey team or something. It would be cool to be on a squad with God on your side, literally.

Godawful: The God Botherer told me God Is Love, so how can God be awful too? You mean he was lying? You could argue God is awful because he lets earthquakes and tsunamis and premature ejaculation happen. But isn’t that the fault of Mother Nature? So Mother Nature is awful! But she invented rainbows and baby rabbits and smokable herbs, so isn’t she good as well? I’m confused.

Here’s an idea I bet even the Pope hasn’t thought of – supposing God and Mother Nature are married, and are both behind this creation lark? It’s easy to see how trouble starts…

God: Damn you, woman, I told you not to fiddle with that storm cloud! You’ve washed away an entire civilization. I’ve been working on that all week!
Mother: You and your silly little human experiments. When are you going to do something useful, like clean up that oil spill in my ocean? Honestly, playing with tankers at your age…
God: Well if you hadn’t turned those stupid dinosaurs into oil, there wouldn’t be oil spills!
Mother: Dinosaurs were your idea!
God: Try telling that to those frikkin’ Creationists!
Mother: Do you want me to send a hurricane to sort ’em out?
God: Oooh, yes. There’s nothing good on TV tonight anyway… apart from the hockey.

Oh dear, I’ve taken God’s name in vain. Am I going to Hell? Good. It beats working in a Porsche factory.


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I told ya meat is useful!

Monty: Hey Tiggy fans, it’s Monty O’Drizzle here, huntin’ expert and world-renowned Master of Meat! Since Tiggy showcased my hit DVD Process That Deer, I’ve been receivin’ thousands of e-mail letters from y’all, wanting me to share some of my extensive meat knowledge! And I’ve brought my apprentice Bob Nutter to help me do some explaining at you.

Bob: Hi everyone! I’ve been training under the amazing Mr. O’Drizzle for several years. I’m hoping to become a Sultan of Steak just like him! He knows meat inside out.

Monty: That’s right Bob! If Monty ain’t shot and split it, it ain’t worth slamming on the grill, hey? Anyways, I don’t need to tell y’all about the pleasures of the flesh… to eat, y’understand! I love meat more than my own Momma… but don’t you go tellin’ her that, Bob!

Hell, I’d live in a meat house, and drive a big truck made outta meat if I could.

Bob: Hey Monty, If General Motors made a meat truck maybe they wouldn’t be in the shit!

Monty: Hey Bob, watch yer shute, that ain’t no language to use in front of ladies. Anyhows, I know a lot of you are toilin’ away in offices doing them stupid paper-stuffin’ jobs, and having to put up with all them townie office workers. Pity there’s no bow huntin’ allowed in the boardroom, hey?

So here’s our list of the things ya’ll can do to amuse yourself with meat, to keep them spirits up at work.
I told ya meat is useful!

How to Annoy Your Co-Workers Usin’ Meat

1. There’s nothin’ finer than the smell of microwaved meat waftin’ from the office kitchen, and hangin’ in the air all day like a big meaty cloud. Now, we just love that smell. It’s kinda how a man should smell, you know? But your tubby co-workers on them strict ‘tofu and pond weed’ diets will be bangin’ their heads against the desk in agony, lustin’ after all that beautiful hot meat! If your co-workers are crazy mulch-munchin’ vegans, oh my, they gonna be quittin’ their jobs in no time!

Don’t tell ’em what we do with vegans, Bob, the nice people here might think bad of us.

2. Do your weekly meat shoppin’ at your lunch break. Display them succulent steaks and plump sausages on your desk to show off tonight’s supper feast. Make sure you show your majestic meat mountain to them co-workers who will be spendin’ their evening alone, eating Kraft Dinner leftovers. Jeez, Mac and Cheese… I wouldn’t feed my that stuff to my dog!

Man, that dog cooked up nice. After he passed away, y’understand.

Ham - git it down ya!3. Stick a slice a’ ham inside your dumbass boss’s computer. I know it kinda seems like a waste of good eatins, and Lord God knows I never pass the chance to get some pig into me. But hey, the sacrifice is worth it!

The heat from the computer will warm that meaty treat and generate a real nice sweaty pig smell in your boss’s office. That stupid boss will never figger where it’s comin’ from!

4. Them leftover ham sandwiches from that boardroom meetin’… did they taste kinda strange to you? Course not, that’s stupid talk! But them nasty belly pains and vomitin’ you pretend to have suggest otherwise!

Take the rest of the day off work to go huntin’, and threaten to sue the company for food poisonin’!

5. Pretend to be one of them born-again vegans. Yeah, this will take a lot of doin’ but bear with me, hey? Preach loudly about meat bein’ all nasty and stuff, and hang posters of Morrissey around the office.

Them frustrated co-workers will take revenge by leavin’ hot meaty cheeseburgers on their desks, and microwaving pot roast all afternoon. Strange how them burgers and pot roasts keep disappearin’? It couldn’t be you eating them, right, ’cause you’re a tree-suckin’ vegan!

Hey Bob, don’t tell ’em what we did with Morrissey that time, folk might get troubled with the image they get in their minds.

Anyways, that’s all the meat musin’ I have for ya! I gotta get me inside a chicken or somethin’ before I explode!

Bob: You need to get some chicken inside you, Monty! Heheh, he’s always saying that wrong.

Monty: Yeah Bob, that’s what I meant, for sure! Anyways see y’all soon for more hot meat love!


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Be prepared with Tiggy's exam help!

Examination season is upon us! Except for me; I always pay someone else to take my exams. Being the helpful sort I am, I have compiled a series of pencil-chewing mock exam questions for you to try out. Hopefully you will find the exact same questions when you turn over your test paper!

You have three hours… no talking, eating or bleeding.

Good luck!

MATHEMATICS
1. Assuming an average erect penis is 5.25″, how many members of the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team would be able to sign their name on one penis before they run out of space?

2. A car is travelling at 130 kilometers per hour. A police officer has 6 minutes to wait before being served at the Tim Horton’s drive-thru. How long will it take for the cop to finish his coffee and apprehend the speeding car?

3. A Somali pirate has slashed your throat after seizing control of your ship.
Assuming a bleed rate of 58ml of blood per second, how many minutes will you wreathe on the floor in agony before succumbing to your injury?

4. An Amsterdam prostitute charges €50 an hour for services rendered. At an exchange rate of €1 to $1.37, calculate the cost of a 7 minute blow.

5. Scholars insist 3 into 7 won’t go. Make it go.

Chartists - Gay or Nay?HISTORY
1. Did the 19th Century Chartist movement represent a major challenge to the English political system? Or was it all just a bit gay?

2. “Peas in our time.” Discuss the political impact of frozen vegetables on the 1948 Berlin Blockade.

3. The construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza – How dey do dat?

4. With reference to the socio-economic hypothesis presented in Das Kapital, if Karl Marx was an ice cream, what flavour would he be?

5. Explain the main issues behind the Great Papal Schism of the 14th Century, in a French accent.

PHILOSOPHYBe prepared for the inevitable Meat Loaf question!
1. Meat Loaf would do anything for love, but won’t do that. Explain what you think that thing is he won’t do.

2. “‘Tis is better for a man to be noble and impotent, than be ignoble and have a really hard cock.” Discuss.

3. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Explain.

4. “You’ll be saying ‘Wow’ every time you use it.” Examine this statement a) in relation to ancient Greek Sophist theory and b) with reference to Aristotle’s assertion that a Zorbeez was a lot better at mopping up cola spills.

5. Why is Richard Simmons? Discuss.

BUSINESS STUDIES
1. Your business can save $1,000,000 a year by transferring production to an African sweatshop. Give five reasons why having small children working in your factory is actually for their own good.

2. A competitor has copied your product and has flooded the market with a cheap imitation. Explain how to counter the threat using a) revised marketing strategies b) legal action and c) a dirty hooker and a video camera.

3. Wholesaler #1 has 55 grams of poor quality Kush, whereas Wholesaler #2 is offering 28 grams of premium Moroccan hash. The wholesale price for both is $13 per gram. Assess the best value deal for your clients.

4. Customer profiling reveals that 57% of your customers are male, aged 35-50, with a preference for large hairy men. Explain how this will affect your forthcoming advertising campaign.

5. Discuss how the stock market crash of 2008 affected commodity values of a) oil, b) puppies and c) Meat Loaf.

Time’s up, pencils down. So how did you do? I’m guessing not so well.
Don’t despair, hopeless exam flunkers! Trump your tests the Tiggy way, with my new study guide Math, Marx and Meat Loaf – only $19.95, available from all good pet stores.


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