Everything Found In 'Writing, Poems & Big Words' Category

Rainbow Princess - Glittery!

Make your heart smile with Rainbow Princess’s inspiring viral e-mails!

RP1 - True Friend

What is a true friend?
A friend knows your hopes and dreams
But a true friend knows you inside out!
Your friend isn’t always by your side,
But a true friend will always be behind!

A true friend will always be behind!

A true friend will give as much as they receive
And will always lend an ear, a hand or a tongue!
If you’re grumpy, sad or blue
A true friend will always come for you!

How many friends do YOU have?

Kitty BFF!
Are they special?

Or are they disposable?

Something AMAZING will happen to you and your TRUE FRIEND

TOMORROW! AT 1pm!

Eastern Time, that is.

**It REALLY WILL!**

A good friend will bail you out of jail….
A true friend will be with you in your cell!
And will love to share their bunk with you!

Jail is fun with your best freind!

A true friend is a gift from God!
If you don’t send this message to 5 friends
You will make God ANGRY.

Kitty prays for mercy. Bad kitty.
If you don’t have 5 friends, God is already ANGRY with you.

Send your TRUE FRIEND this message!!!
If they don’t return it, they are NOT your friend.

They are mean and spread LIES. And STDs.
You know that itch you’ve had for a while?

I feel sick.
Send THIS MESSAGE to your NEW true friend instead!

NOW! Otherwise that thing I mentioned that is happening tomorrow at 1pm (Eastern time) won’t happen. I mean it.

Beautiful wishes,
Rainbow Princess


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Oh My God

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Hey Tiggy... you're going DOWN!

Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God
Oh My God, Oh Your God, Oh His God, Oh Her God…
Pavement, “Shady Lane”

Do you believe in God? You would think I was a flippin’ nun, the amount of times I say “Oh My God!” And I’m not just talking about shouting it out during those sexy fun time moments. For such a cynical, probably-ex-communicated agnostic, I spend a lot of time referring to “God”. Have you noticed how many silly sayings are associated with the Big Guy?

Godspeed: How fast is that? For an old guy, I can’t imagine God is that fast. Maybe he has a chariot pulled by angels. Naked angels. If I was God, that’s how I’d want to travel.

Maybe he drives a Porsche. Can you get cars in Heaven? How would they get up there? When a car dies, does its oily little soul drive through the Pearly Gates? Or does Heaven have its own car manufacturing industry? So there are factories and manual labour… in Heaven? So much for lazing around on fluffy clouds eating Philadelphia dip.

On the other hand, if God is omnipresent he is already everywhere, so He doesn’t have to move at all. This phrase needs a rethink.

According to Jeffery 21:09, your soul will burn in Hell if you eat peas on Tuesday.God Botherer: One thing worse than a salesman (or a “corporate account executive” as they call themselves now) is a salesman selling God. They eagerly chatter on about Jesus and Good News and His Plan like it’s the first time anyone has told you about it.

You then waste ten minutes ranting about how you read the Bible but couldn’t follow the plot, got beaten up at Bible study as a kid, and how St. Paul said eating shrimp is evil but you like shrimp so stuff what he thinks… and all this time the God Botherer smiles and patiently waits for you to either convert or die of apoplexy.

Is hiring these dicks the best marketing plan God has? If I was God, I’d hire the most kickass marketing people I could, get some prime-time TV advertising going and perhaps sponsor a hockey team or something. It would be cool to be on a squad with God on your side, literally.

Godawful: The God Botherer told me God Is Love, so how can God be awful too? You mean he was lying? You could argue God is awful because he lets earthquakes and tsunamis and premature ejaculation happen. But isn’t that the fault of Mother Nature? So Mother Nature is awful! But she invented rainbows and baby rabbits and smokable herbs, so isn’t she good as well? I’m confused.

Here’s an idea I bet even the Pope hasn’t thought of – supposing God and Mother Nature are married, and are both behind this creation lark? It’s easy to see how trouble starts…

God: Damn you, woman, I told you not to fiddle with that storm cloud! You’ve washed away an entire civilization. I’ve been working on that all week!
Mother: You and your silly little human experiments. When are you going to do something useful, like clean up that oil spill in my ocean? Honestly, playing with tankers at your age…
God: Well if you hadn’t turned those stupid dinosaurs into oil, there wouldn’t be oil spills!
Mother: Dinosaurs were your idea!
God: Try telling that to those frikkin’ Creationists!
Mother: Do you want me to send a hurricane to sort ’em out?
God: Oooh, yes. There’s nothing good on TV tonight anyway… apart from the hockey.

Oh dear, I’ve taken God’s name in vain. Am I going to Hell? Good. It beats working in a Porsche factory.


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Never be stuck for swear words again!

Fuck. I’m so bored of that swear word. I use the same old insults every minute of every day. Fuck off, screw you, suck a swan, blah, blah, etc. These insults are getting old and tired!

Luckily for everyone, I’ve come up with a variety of new swears, insults and handy phrases you can use for your everyday rants and road rage showdowns.

1. Suck My Invisible Cock – This is a useful insult for ladies. Or men without cocks.

2. Dick Trap – a nice change from the usual slut or whore.

3. Twat Ratchet – Every mechanics’ garage should have one, and frequently does.

4. Go Fuck Toffee – Have you tried fucking toffee? It’s very difficult.

5. Frig Magnet – Not to be confused with the handy kitchen accessory.

Wankatron or penguin filler? Take your pick.6. Wankatron – A great nerd insult. You’ve spilled Cheez Whiz all over the file server, you wankatron.

7. Jizz Jockey – A bit like a Disc Jockey, only stickier.

8. Butt Frog – Not something you’d want to see in your local pond.

9. Mitch – A male bitch. Apologies to readers called Mitch, but hey, wouldn’t it be cool to have a swearword as a name?

10. Cock Doctor – OK, some people really are cock doctors.

11. Twot – Only very posh people should use this, like the Queen or Oprah Winfrey

12. Chimney Whore – I don’t really know what one of these is.

13. Fog Fucker – Have you tried fucking fog? It’s almost impossible.

14. Twatwagon – A great insult for the motorist. Why don’t you go join your rolling twatwagon of fog fuckers… Officer.

15. Nadbadger – A comparison to a testicle-loving woodland animal? Ouch!

16. Kiss My Colon – I’m sure I wouldn’t want to do that.

You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me, Linux boy?17. Penguin FillerGo fill a penguin, you wankatron. Another good insult for nerdy Linux fans.

18. Fuckerydoo – A game played by nadbadgers with the intention of pissing you off. My neighbour played fuckerydoo with the cops and busted my illegal puppy farm.

19. Sharkey – You’ll never hear this very rude word on TV, that’s for sure! For added impact, combine with Fergal – Nearly as bad as sharkey, but referring to a less moist orifice.

20. Jam Banger – Have you tried… oh, never mind.

So, next time some dicktrap driving her twatwagon full of screaming frig magnets rear-ends you, you can let the jam-banging cock doctor know exactly how you feel. Then you can tell that fergal sharkey of a twat ratchet at the repair garage to quit playing fuckerydoo and fix your car, otherwise he can suck your invisible cock. Fog fucker.

No, don’t thank me or send money for adding new swears to your lexicon. It’s just a service I provide.


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A poet recently won $100,000 in a literary competition. $100,000 just for writing poems! I’ll have some of that. I can’t be bothered to write long rambling epics a la Wordsworth and Milton, so I’m going make my fortune writing haiku poetry.

A haiku poem has three lines. Each line has to contain five syllables for the first line, then seven for the next line and five for the last. Even someone as numerically challenged as me can count to seven. Just.

The poem has to skillfully convey a feeling, image or moment in time. Japanese scholars spend years studying haiku. I’ve spent twenty minute on Wikipedia. That should suffice.

I’ll have a stab and see what meaningful imagery and Zen-like wisdom I can conjure up, using a normal day in Tiggyland as inspiration.

*Ahem*

 

Hai kitty.

 

And I would have got away with it too if it hadn't been for those bastard, bastard meddling kids!

 

Bill Gates in poetry inspiration shock!

Blimey, this haiku writing is a doddle!

Marc Emery would not be proud.

 

The grease is the best bit!

 

Inspiration and beauty can be found in the strangest situations..

Well, that was my day in haiku. I think that effort must be worth at least $100,000. Would you, dear readers, care to share your haiku gems?

 

But before you go off and scribble down your poetic musings, check this out! I am taking part in a Blog Carnival today – no idea what that is, but I assume it involves candy apples and children vomiting on the ferris wheel. Click here to join in the carnival capers at Edge of Sanity!

Oh, and happy Thanksgiving day, Canucks!


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