The music and movie industry is upset! Everyone is downloading from the internet, ripping CDs and movies to their iPods and making poor media executives very cross. We are hurting their feelings by recklessly buying their products then - the cheek of it - copying them to other devices without giving them any more money! It’s like buying a coffee and demanding another one free as a “backup” or to share with friends later. Trust me, this argument doesn’t go down well at Starbucks.

Fortunately governments everywhere are putting a stop to this nonsense. Soon all internet downloading will be banned, copying a song onto an iPod will mean 10 years in jail and as for buying a DVD and watching it on your laptop… all I can say is I’m glad we don’t have the death penalty in Canada.

Can you imagine a life without downloads, iPods or DVDs? What to do?

- Now your iPod is defunct, simply hire a busker to follow you around and play the songs you love. They only make $4 a day, so give them $5 and a list of tunes they have to learn by midnight. It’s a win-win situation!

- Dreams are often better than those rubbish DVD movies - and they’re free! Simply go to bed at 6pm and get ready for a night of entertainment. Eat some cheese if you crave a scary nightmarish thriller, or take some drugs for a mind-blowing pot-luck feature. You may dream up a movie so brilliant you can sell it to the movie companies and recoup some of the money you’ve wasted on their 3rd rate dross over the years!

- Remember the movie Be Kind, Rewind where that podgy bloke from the Foo Fighters made his own movies? Be your own Hollywood superstar and film yourself starring in your favourite blockbusters! If you are a bit ugly you could try hilarious slapstick comedy. If you are more attractive or have large physical assets, movies of an adult nature could be an option.

- Listening to music or watching movies is a terrible time waster. Just think of the new hobbies you could try instead of sitting on your arse staring at the screen. Learn a new language, breed hamsters or even play the tuba! There are great resources online you can download and… oh, hang on.

- If the RIAA is going to have to prise your iPod from your cold dead hands before your delete your illicit collection, consider becoming an outlaw! Run away from the authorities and form a commune in the wilderness with your fellow desperate downloaders. Away from the iron grip of the law you can indulge in other dangerous criminal behaviour like smoking indoors, making hash brownies and distributing photocopies of whatever the hell you like - there’s no copyright laws in your Republic. Awesome!

Follow these tips and you’ll never have to spend money buying overpriced music and movies again! Not that some of you were in the first place…

Their busker plays all the best ABBA hits over at Humor-Blogs.com

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Those of us involved in the Canadian creative community (and those of us pretending to be, for the purpose of this story) are worried. The government is trying to introduce a Bill called C-10, a draconian law preventing artists from using government loans to finance ‘challenging’ movies. Canadian banks are often reluctant to finance such movies, citing pathetic excuses like “They’re usually drivel”.

Just in case C-10 passed, I thought I’d better get my claim in with the Tax Credit Department before the men in grey totally destroyed my freedom of expression. I felt my luck was in with my latest venture, a scarifying indictment of capitalist urban society entitled The Cock Whisperer.

Based on a true experience, The Cock Whisperer is the powerful story of a girl who has the gift-like ability to banish men’s rampant and uncontrollable sexual desires by sitting in a room with them for five minutes. I’d assembled a cast from the many out-of-work actors in my neighbourhood and spent several hours sweating over the script.

Unfortunately, the Tax Credit Department did not share my enthusiasm for the project and demanded vicious rewrites before they would consider scribbling out any cheques. They claimed my touching tale about touching todgers was merely an excuse for me to film attractive gentlemen without their underpants, and was not in the Canadian public interest to fund it.

I remonstrated that actually the Canadian public wanted, nay, demanded to sit in a movie theatre for two hours looking at men’s units - all my friends had said so. Apart from the male ones. And the local vicar. And my neighbour, who actually called the cops when I asked to borrow their hot tub for a few scenes. I think the cops are beginning to tire of being called to my street.

My fight with the Police State suits will continue as I refuse to compromise my artistic integrity. Like filming Titanic without the iceberg, you cannot have a story about cocks without cocks.

Failing that I’ll borrow my mate Sparky’s video camera and produce the bloody movie myself without their stupid tax credits.

Anyone got a hot tub I can borrow?

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Pornographic movies - they don’t make them like they used to. Nowadays the internet is awash with amateurish peep shows made by wannabe porn stars. It seems everyone and their dog (or goat) has filmed a shoddy prick-flick with no thought to the subtleties of plotline or atmosphere. Not like the classic porn of my youth.

Before internet porn, kids had to satisfy their sexual curiosity by peeking at crispy Playboy magazines or raiding their parents’ stash of ancient pornographic VHS tapes. My pre-teen buddies and I would giggle our way through greasy German epics like Frau Doctor and the oddly-translated Tiger Bitch. The movies were a celebration of wobbly camera work, wobbly breasts and a soundtrack that sounded like a stoned James Last Orchestra playing in a washing machine.

Tongues
The plotlines were fabulous. We couldn’t wait to see how Frau Doctor’s first day on the job went. And the action! Boy on girl, girl on girl, boy and girl on… not quite sure, the camera was out of focus again. Tiger Bitch could unwrap a man in a minute using only her tongue. And she did rude things to other ladies too! We hadn’t thought of that before.

Our impressionable minds began to fill with confusion. How were we going to remember all those positions? Were all men that hairy? Should a penis really go there? And despite the badly dubbed moans of pleasure the ladies didn’t seem to be having much fun. Frau Doctor looked like she needed a dose of painkillers rather than another hairy patient with a swollen crotch problem.

Silly Boys
Sadly, the lessons we learned from these classic movies went to waste. By the time the boys in our class discovered that their thing wasn’t just for pissing, we had all got bored of sex and Tiger Bitch. We dedicated our energy to raiding our parents’ drinks cabinets instead.

Who knows, maybe the good Doctor and her Feline-Canine pal are still entertaining the masses via webcam from their Rhineland seniors’ home.

VHS porn Queens, we salute you!

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