Monty:

Bob: Hi everyone! A fan sent me a story about Theressa Groenwald-Hagerman, the world’s greatest female bow hunter! She has pulled off quite a feat that I’m sure you’ll love to hear about.

Monty: Now, me and Bobby-boy may be men of the forest, I mean real men, who smell as good as we sweat. But we don’t mind seein’ the little ladies havin’ a go at huntin’ do we? We ain’t liberals or homosexuals or nothin’ funny like that. But it’s all fair in the forest, hey?

Bob: Yes Monty, we are so pleased women are venturing into the wilderness thrilling to the kill! Ladies make good hunters, it’s like going to the grocery store and fur boutique in one afternoon.

Monty: Heck yeah, once those ladies start imaginin’ them rabbits as a pair a boots, there’s nothin’ in Hell that’ll stop them from slayin’ those little critters all day! I can barely keep up huntin’ with ma sister Mabel when she’s hankerin’ for a new wardrobe.

Bob: Too right, Monty! Anyway, this lady has stolen our hearts, after ripping out the heart of the biggest beast of all! She is the first woman ever to kill-wait for it-an African elephant… with a bow and arrow! Just think of the skill required to find and hunt down a cunning wild animal like a six ton, 12 ft high elephant!

Monty: Yep, them elephants are stealthy critters, ain’t they? Nice to see a young lady doin’ somthin for the environment other than doin’ them those borin’ old walks for peace, an’ cleanin’ up oil spills with tofu or whatever it is them ladies do.

That’s beautiful photo, Bob. Makes ya feel like a man, if you know what I’m talkin’ about. I’d love to get ma mitts on that sexy hot flesh, fer sure. My mouth’s getting’ all wet just thinkin’ about it.

Bob: I don’t think that’s an appropriate comment about the nice lady, Monty.

Monty: The lady? Oh yeah, that’s what I was lookin’ at. Anyways, well done little Miss! I’m hoping next time she’ll go for somethin’ really challengin’, like a polar bear or panda. I’d like to have me some sweet an’ sour panda one day, once them vegan environmentalists quit yappin’.

Ohh, my chute’s gettin’ wet again. Hey Bob, start up that barbeque, I need to get some pork into me to calm me down here! See y’all next time for another Meat Beat!

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Monty: Happy Holidays, Tiggy fans! Me an’ Bob jus love this time a year, and you know why? Tis the season to be killin’!

Bob: That’s right, Monty. There’s no better way to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus than with a feast of fresh kill.

Monty: Dasher, Donner, Blitzen and ole Rudolf himself will have pride of place at our Christmas table… as tha main course! We tell the lil kids we shot ‘em off the roof. It makes ‘em bawl like banshees, but they gotta toughen up sum time, hey?

Bob: Quite right, Monty, there’s no room for crybabies in our hunting hut! Now, seeing as this is the season for giving, we’d like to share some of our golden rules of hunting with the nice Tiggyblog readers, before they head off on their Christmas shooting sprees.

Monty: Thas right, Bob! Ya may be lucky enough to get that huntin’ rifle ya asked for on Christmas time. But ya can’t jus go out an’ blast away anythin’ ya see, no matter how much fun that is! Ya gotta follow a few rules that will make yer shootin’ a lot safer.

We don’t like safer, do we Bob, but I ain’t goin’ to jail no more. I can’t handle no more of that prison life, my poor asshol..

Bob: Anyway, Monty, lets run through a few Things You Shouldn’t Be Shooting At.

Number one on our no-no list is CATS. They may be plentiful in numbers and taste as good as they look, but no hunter worth his salt would take a shot at this noble and elegant creature.

Monty: Tha’s right, Bob! Ya’ll leave them cats alone! Unless they’re poopin’ in yur yard, that is.

Bob: No Monty, not even if they’re pooping in your yard.

Monty: Pissin’ in yur yard?

Bob: No.

Monty: Pukin’?

Bob: No.

Monty: Makin’ them screechy cat noises and doin’ they dirty stuff with Mrs. MacKenzie’s Persian?

Bob: Monty…

Monty: Aww. Looks like dem good-fer-nothin’ cats are off ma Christmas menu for this year. Next up is tha VERMIN. Don’t shoot vermin, folks!

Bob: Now some folk out there are probably scratching their heads, wondering why we don’t shoot rats or other pesky critters. I bet they’re thinking we’re mad!

Monty: I’ll tell ‘em why, Bob! Nummer one, you can’t eat ‘em, so is a waste a bullets. Nummer two, they is useless for wearin’ – you try sewin’ together 300 rat pellets to make a pair a pants or jerkin’ or summit. You wastin’ yer time fiddlin’ when you could jus skin a moose an’ throw that on. Nummer three – and let me apologize to the lil ladies out there for ma language – but they’s got all kinda diseases from eatin’ poop an’ shit. The rat I mean, not the lil ladies! Although folks, Bob showed me this video thing called Two Girls, One Cu…

Bob: Thank you Monty. So, my hunting friends, just remember our little motto and you’ll be fine – what is it, Monty?

Monty: No Cats, No Rats, No Pedestrians. It’s tha huntin’ code we live by, hey?

Bob: It sure is. Anyway Monty, it’s time to don our camouflage gear and get hunting!

Monty: Thas right, Bob, I’m gettin’ funny feelin’s in my camo pants jus’ thinkin’ bout it. You go ahead an’ I’ll catch ya up in ten minutes, I have to go lube ma… barrel… on my gun. With tha lube.

Bob: Good idea, Monty, it’s always best to thoroughly test your equipment before a long day of action. Have a great Christmas folks! And remember, pets aren’t just for Christmas – with any luck there’ll be enough left over for Boxing Day!

Ho ho ho, only joking, folks! Happy holidays!

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Monty: Hey there Tiggy fans! Monty O’Drizzle here, world-renowned hunter an’ King of the Kill! Today, me an’ my assistant Bob Nutter have been takin’ a look at the wonderful world of meat art.

Bob: Yes folks, you heard Monty right. Meat isn’t just for eating!

Monty: I told ya meat is useful! Now, I’m not one for wastin’ my time in art galleries, unless they let me shoot at stuff, hey? But I’d hire out my Momma out for target practice, to own summa this art!

Bob: So Monty, let’s have a wander down our virtual meat-art exhibition. First up is this wonderful sculpture of a house, made out of meat! Look at the plumpness of those sausage walls.

Monty: Holy hell, Bob, I’d love to be livin’ in a house’ made outta meat! It sure beat my lil huntin’ hut fer sure. If I was hankerin’ for supper, I could jus’ lick the walls! Neat, hey?

Bob: And here’s the American Star-Spangled Banner – or should that be the Star Spangled Dinner! This wonderful work of meat art tastes as good as it looks.

Monty: Now that is one ‘Merican flag I’d like to see goin’ up in flames… on tha’ grill, that is! I’m kinda inspired to be makin’ my own flag outta somethin’ patriotic, like beaver guts. That would hang mighty fine on ma meat wall in ma meat house, hey? Meat. I love ya.

Bob: Meat has also made its way onto the catwalk! Look at this wearable work of art – a dress made out of meat! Never mind those little black cocktail dresses ladies, if you want to impress your man on a date, I’d slip into this cheeky little bacon number.

Monty: Bob, I’d even be tempted to go onna date with a lil lady if she were wearin’ that getup! Hell, I’d date a one-legged leprechaun with rabies if he were wearin’ a meat dress!

Bob: Ladies, this outfit may melt a hunter’s heart, but just remember that wearing this dress in warm environments like nightclubs can attract unwanted attention. And I’m not just talking about attracting bar flies! But also maggots and other parasitic infestations.

Monty: Good advice there Bob, I’d be keepin’ a can of fly spray in ma purse jus’ to be safe. Anyhoo, all this meat art stuff is makin’ ma belly make a noise like when we rolled that badger down a hill in an oil drum. Remember that, Bob? He were not a happy badger, that’s fer sure!

Bob: I don’t think we ever did that, Monty. Anyway, join us again next time for another Meat Beat! And don’t forget – meat is murder – but the good kind!

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Hey there meat maniacs, it’s time for another Meat Beat!

Bob: Hi, Tiggy fans! Bob Nutter here, assistant to the High Priest of Ham himself, Monty O’Drizzle. Sadly, Monty can’t join us this month; he had a bit of an accident involving a steak sandwich and a tub of glue. Probably best not to ask questions at this point. Instead, Monty’s brother, Mike O’Drizzle, is here to share his extensive meat knowledge!

Mike: Hello there, boys! And hi to the little ladies too, I guess. You’re lookin’ mighty fine today, Bob! That shirt sets off them muscles of yours mighty nice.

Bob: Erm, thanks. Mike, now summer is here, it’s time to think about buying a new barbecue. I’m hoping to have a party this weekend, get some hunting buddies together on my deck, and fire up some hunks of fresh meat.

Mike: Bob, there’s nothin’ finer than firin’ up a few hunks. Of fresh meat, I mean! Can I come to yous party?

Bob: Of course, Mike! But be warned, my buddies have lots of stamina and party pretty hard, it will be a long hot night!

Mike: Sounds like a party that’s right up my alley, fer sure!

Bob: Yeah, anyway Mike, about this barbecue …

Mike: Bob, bein’ a huge meat fan, I was happy to do some research for y’all, and conduct a thorough test of the top barbeques out there. So I went down to my local Home and Garden centre to check out some best buys.

Bob: That’s great Mike, very kind of you. So what did you find out?

Mike: Well Bob, I was assisted by a nice young guy called Dan, who is a barbecue expert at the store. He was mighty enthusiastic about sharin’ his expertise with ole Mike.

Bob: OK, shout out to young Dan there! Honestly Mike, is it just me, or are these in-store experts getting younger these days?

Mike: I know what yer sayin’ Bob; I’d say young Dan was only in his early twenties! And about 180lb, six foot tall, dark brown eyes, looked like he worked out, I’d say.

Bob: OK Mike, I think that was probably more information than we needed. Anyway, I guess you and Dan had a fine old time in the barbecue department, prodding and poking, and exploring all the options?

Mike: Fer sure, Bob! I ran my hands over all the parts, we tested the knobs for sturdiness, and then we got a bit of meat goin’ on there.

Bob: So Mike, from your research, what model barbecue would you recommend to our readers out there?

Mike: Barbecue? Oh, I don’t really know there Bob, me and Dan were havin’ too much of a good time to look at barbecues. I guess any of them would be fine.

Bob: OK Mike, thanks for that barbecue test. I’m sure Tiggyblog readers will be rushing to the Home and Garden store right now to get some advice. And thanks to Dan for giving a helping hand.

Mike: Oh, you got that right, Bob! I’m goin’ back to the store tomorrow to test the power drills.

Bob: Mike, once again that was too much information. Anyway, I’m looking forward to having a great time grilling steaks on my new barbecue this weekend!

Mike: And I’m lookin’ forward to comin’ to the party, fer sure! And if any of you male readers out there are chefs or have meat handlin’ skills, be sure to give ole Mike O’Drizzle a call, and send a photo if you have one, as I’ll be lookin’ for some guys to help me out at the barbecue. Ain’t that right, Bobby?

Bob: Oh Christ. Anyway Tiggy fans, let’s all pray Monty is back in one piece for next month’s Meat Beat. Keep on cookin’!

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It’s time for another Meat Beat with the Prince of Pork, Monty O’Drizzle!

Monty: Howdy, Tiggy fans! Now, me and Bobby don’t wanna get all riled up about other people’s eatins’. We know a lot of the internet folk and Tiggyblog fans are them homosexual liberal vegan types, and we respect that, hey? Jus’ don’t start invitin’ us to your parties or nuthin’, no offense. And the more vegans they is, the more meat fer us! Kinda works out, hey?

But I would like to talk to yous about foods that are just not right, see? They just ain’t men’s food. I mean, you ladies can eat them jus’ fine, and we know better than to tell you little ladies what to do, hey Bob?

Bob: Yes Monty, sometimes ladies take us the wrong way, don’t they? Like the nice lady you took out for dinner, but she didn’t realize she’d have to gut the main course herself.

Monty: Holy heck, all that cryin’ and screamin’ sure put me off a lady’s company, fer sure! Anyway Bobby, about this nasty food stuff we warnin’ the nice people about. This is our list of foods you shouldn’t be puttin’ in yer mouth.

1. SUSHI
Bob: Monty and I don’t have anything against fish, of course! There’s nothing better than spearing a salmon or wrestling a swordfish for the grill. But we both agree that sushi is just… well…

Monty: Lady food, Bob, that’s what I’m sayin’! It’s all pretty colours and all itty bitty. And they want you to eat it with lil sticks! What the hell is that about? Them crazy Chinese.

Bob: Monty, the Japanese have a long history of sushi-making, it’s a very delicate art.

Monty: Art, Bobby-boy? Ya don’t fill yous belly with art! I’d have to eat five hundred of them piddy-tiddy things just for starters. And if yous wanna eat raw, there’s nuthin’ finer than the insides of a freshly-shot deer. You try eatin’ that with fiddly lil sticks, hey?

2. TABOULI
Monty: Bobby, I have no idea in holy hell what a tabouli is. Is it like some kinda moose?

Bob: No.

Monty: Then I ain’t interested. Is it some kinda squirrel?

Bob: No.

Monty: Then I ain’t interested. Does a tabouli have a look a fear in his eyes as he sees yous aiming fer his heart?

Bob: No Monty, tabouli is a mix of bulgar wheat, parsley and spices. It’s like a salad.

Monty: Holy heck Bob, don’t let that salad stuff near me. Might turn me all homosexual, like my brother Mike. He’s a big homosexual, but he sure loves his meat, so he’s all right with us, hey? Our momma was not happy when she found out about Mike likin’ them hairy sailor types that…

Bob: Anyway Monty, maybe we should look at the next item on our grocery blacklist.

3. TOFU
Monty: Now, I’m not one to go swearin’ in polite company, but what the freakin’ hell is tofu for? Tiggy says it’s a good meat replacement. Did ya hear that, Bob? Meat replacement? I don’t think I even understand what them two words mean together.

Bob: Some people substitute tofu for meat in their diets when they are trying to lose weight, Monty.

Monty: Why the hell you wanna go lose weight? There’s nothin’ finer a big meaty man, that’s what men should be like, hey? And Mike would agree on that too.

All you obese Tiggyblog fans out there, you takes my advice and get yerself a huntin’ bow. You’ll get some good exercise runnin’ round the forests chasin’ and killin’ some nice healthy food.

Bob: Amen. Next on our list is tempeh.

4. TEMPEH
Monty: Bob, are you makin’ this stuff up? That’s not a food, that’s some place in Florida! Man, yous been breathin’ them fumes from the barbecue.

Bob: Monty… oh, never mind. The last item on our shopping list is tomato.

5. TOMATO
Monty: Now, red is a nice colour when it’s seepin’ outta a fresh kill. But you don’t wanna be go puttin’ them big red tomatoes in your mouth! You know how they grow them? And I wanna apologize to the ladies here, but let me be candid bout this – they grow them outta a big pile of shit! Yep, you heard straight! Poop!

And we don’t like poop, do we Bob? Ya can’t eat poop, not even if you barbecue it. We tried it once, but it weren’t so good.

Bob: No Monty, the only acceptable way to eat tomato is in tomato ketchup. No barbecue party is complete without it.

Monty: Not me, Bob, I ain’t touchin’ tomato ketchup! I’ll just have the regular ketchup thank you.

Bob: But Monty, ketchup is…

Monty: That’s enough yappin’ Bob. Now, y’all noticed a lot of nasty food starts with the letter ‘T’? That’s somethin’ to be aware of next time yous in the grocery store. Jus’ avoid all food products startin’ with the T. Jus’ to be safe, hey?

Bob: What about turkey?

Monty: Oh yeah, turkey. But that’s kinda like a big ugly chicken, so you okay with that.

Bob: T-bone. Tenderloin. Tripe. Trotters.

Monty: Yeah, technically they begin with ‘T’s but, oh, Bob, jus shut yer shute and fire up the grill, hey? I’m gonna strap on some steaks and exorcise them tofu things from my mind.

Bob: You mean ‘slap on’ some steaks, Monty?

Monty: Sure I do Bob, that’s what I jus’ said! See y’all next time folks… an’ watch out for them taboulis!

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Monty: Hey Tiggy fans, it’s Monty O’Drizzle here, huntin’ expert and world-renowned Master of Meat! Since Tiggy showcased my hit DVD Process That Deer, I’ve been receivin’ thousands of e-mail letters from y’all, wanting me to share some of my extensive meat knowledge! And I’ve brought my apprentice Bob Nutter to help me do some explaining at you.

Bob: Hi everyone! I’ve been training under the amazing Mr. O’Drizzle for several years. I’m hoping to become a Sultan of Steak just like him! He knows meat inside out.

Monty: That’s right Bob! If Monty ain’t shot and split it, it ain’t worth slamming on the grill, hey? Anyways, I don’t need to tell y’all about the pleasures of the flesh… to eat, y’understand! I love meat more than my own Momma… but don’t you go tellin’ her that, Bob!

Hell, I’d live in a meat house, and drive a big truck made outta meat if I could.

Bob: Hey Monty, If General Motors made a meat truck maybe they wouldn’t be in the shit!

Monty: Hey Bob, watch yer shute, that ain’t no language to use in front of ladies. Anyhows, I know a lot of you are toilin’ away in offices doing them stupid paper-stuffin’ jobs, and having to put up with all them townie office workers. Pity there’s no bow huntin’ allowed in the boardroom, hey?

So here’s our list of the things ya’ll can do to amuse yourself with meat, to keep them spirits up at work.
I told ya meat is useful!

How to Annoy Your Co-Workers Usin’ Meat

1. There’s nothin’ finer than the smell of microwaved meat waftin’ from the office kitchen, and hangin’ in the air all day like a big meaty cloud. Now, we just love that smell. It’s kinda how a man should smell, you know? But your tubby co-workers on them strict ‘tofu and pond weed’ diets will be bangin’ their heads against the desk in agony, lustin’ after all that beautiful hot meat! If your co-workers are crazy mulch-munchin’ vegans, oh my, they gonna be quittin’ their jobs in no time!

Don’t tell ‘em what we do with vegans, Bob, the nice people here might think bad of us.

2. Do your weekly meat shoppin’ at your lunch break. Display them succulent steaks and plump sausages on your desk to show off tonight’s supper feast. Make sure you show your majestic meat mountain to them co-workers who will be spendin’ their evening alone, eating Kraft Dinner leftovers. Jeez, Mac and Cheese… I wouldn’t feed my that stuff to my dog!

Man, that dog cooked up nice. After he passed away, y’understand.

3. Stick a slice a’ ham inside your dumbass boss’s computer. I know it kinda seems like a waste of good eatins, and Lord God knows I never pass the chance to get some pig into me. But hey, the sacrifice is worth it!

The heat from the computer will warm that meaty treat and generate a real nice sweaty pig smell in your boss’s office. That stupid boss will never figger where it’s comin’ from!

4. Them leftover ham sandwiches from that boardroom meetin’… did they taste kinda strange to you? Course not, that’s stupid talk! But them nasty belly pains and vomitin’ you pretend to have suggest otherwise!

Take the rest of the day off work to go huntin’, and threaten to sue the company for food poisonin’!

5. Pretend to be one of them born-again vegans. Yeah, this will take a lot of doin’ but bear with me, hey? Preach loudly about meat bein’ all nasty and stuff, and hang posters of Morrissey around the office.

Them frustrated co-workers will take revenge by leavin’ hot meaty cheeseburgers on their desks, and microwaving pot roast all afternoon. Strange how them burgers and pot roasts keep disappearin’? It couldn’t be you eating them, right, ’cause you’re a tree-suckin’ vegan!

Hey Bob, don’t tell ‘em what we did with Morrissey that time, folk might get troubled with the image they get in their minds.

Anyways, that’s all the meat musin’ I have for ya! I gotta get me inside a chicken or somethin’ before I explode!

Bob: You need to get some chicken inside you, Monty! Heheh, he’s always saying that wrong.

Monty: Yeah Bob, that’s what I meant, for sure! Anyways see y’all soon for more hot meat love!

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