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Hit Parade: Uncle Bud’s Hospital Experience

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Music fans! Confused by the choice at your local record store? Want to get ‘with it’ and ‘hip’ like all the cats at the local Hop? Or something? Check out Tiggy’s Hit Parade!

 (Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Do the mashed potato! And gravy.

Ride 'em cowboy!

11. Uncle Bud’s Hospital Experience

After an unfortunate accident falling off a cowboy, Nevada Rodeo clown ‘Uncle’ Bud Bistoo was inspired to record this album about his hospitalization. Combining a dark style reminiscent of Leonard Cohen, with an atmospheric country soundtrack by that bloke out of ELO, the curmudgeonly clown offers a drip-tastic collection of intensive care classics including:

* A Gentleman Don’t Piss Through a Tube
* Bud’s Bed Bath Blues (A Nurse Called Bill)
* When the Medication Wagon Comes A-Rollin’ By
* I Can’t Piss In That Thing
* This Good Ol’ Boy Don’t Give No Samples
* Ain’t No Lady Doctor Touching That

A great gift for the sick and diseased!


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Another 20 People I Don’t Want to Meet

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Guess what I've got under the counter.

Like most of you on the internet, I hate meeting people. After my run-in with the last set of whackjobs, here are some more people I will be crossing the road to avoid.

  1. A disillusioned Illusionist
  2. An air traffic controller with double vision
  3. A hairy Ukrainian in a bikini
  4. A waiter with vomit down his shirt
  5. A dental technician high on mushrooms
  6. A quadriplegic marching band
  7. A hairy Ukrainian man in a bikini
  8. A hangman with a theme tune
  9. A piss-stained news anchor
  10. A suicide bomber with a sponsorship deal
  11. A heavily pregnant Girl Guide
  12. A butcher with a boner
  13. An unhappy clapper
  14. A nail bomber with a book deal
  15. A Satanist selling life insurance
  16. A suicidal bus driver
  17. A talk show host with botulism
  18. A robber wearing a rubber
  19. An easily-distracted surgeon
  20. A talk show guest with an itchy scrotum

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Police Chase Through the Zoo

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What in the fuck. Is that.

Some readers have asked me to expand slightly on an incident I alluded to in a previous post. I didn’t really want to bring the whole thing up again. But yes, there was a police chase, yes, it was through a zoo, yes, I ruined a small child’s birthday party, but in fairness I did return the platypus. No big deal, let’s not dwell.

But you know, during those dark hours holed up in the Aquarium, I spent my time thinking about the sea and lakes and rivers, and all the stuff that’s in them. And how damn ugly most of it is.

I mean, think about a seahorse. At first glance you might say it’s cute, like a bony horse’s head with no body, and little wings and a curly tail… but wait, that’s not cute, that’s something out of a horror flick! Bodyless floating horse skeletons? I don’t wish to swim about with that, thank you very much. Everything that lives underwater is weird and is dangerous. Jellyfish, sea urchins, electric eels, lobster thermidors – these are scary creatures that would happily slice, sting or zap you to death if they had a chance.

You don’t find this sort of ugliness on land. For instance, puppies, sheep and hedgehogs are cuddly and fluffy, and don’t squirt you in the face with ink when you lick them. Nature has decreed that all the gross stuff lives underwater where it can’t offend our eyes, and all the cute stuff stays on terra firma. Nothing should mess with that. And what happens if these two worlds dare to collide? You end up with a PLATYPUS. I mean, what the fuck is up with that thing?

So that’s why I needed a platypus – to make a point. I just hope the jury sees it my way.


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