Kiss kiss!Good day, dear readers! Betty Lemons here, giving advice on life’s little problems! My friends at the Ladies’ Institute tell me there’s a lot of troubled folk on the internet who would benefit from my wisdom.

So don’t fear, Betty is here! Here’s a selection of readers’ questions from my postbag.

Dear Betty,
My cat just died. I cry every day, as I miss Fluffster so much. What should I do?
Jack, Fredericton

Dear Jack,
Oh, what a to-do! As the owner of many cats, I have this problem all the time. When they stop meowing and start giving off that strange smell, I know it’s time to say goodbye! My poor old back gets sore from digging all those holes in the garden.

Find something to take your mind off your loss, my dear. Perhaps you could take up a sport, visit the library, or masturbate whenever you’re feeling down. Or become a volunteer at your local cats’ home – you will soon get used to working around dead pets, which will make your own loss easier to bear. Chin up, my dear!

Betty.

Dear Betty,
I just can’t get my Victoria sponge cakes to rise! What am I doing wrong?
Anna, Moncton

You'll be dribbling over this sponge cake recipe!Dear Anna,
What a sorry tale! There’s nothing worse than a soggy, flaccid sponge. I consulted with my friend Doris at the Ladies’ Institute; she recommends adding an extra egg, a teaspoon of ejaculate and a pinch of salt to the mix, just before popping it in the oven. It makes all the difference, she says!
Yum yum, enjoy your nice fluffy sponges!

Betty


Dear Betty,
Ever since I discovered mojito cocktails, my life has gone downhill. I just can’t get enough of them! It’s affecting my work, my relationships, and my looks. I don’t want to be an alcoholic, but I just can’t resist that minty flavour!
Gerald, Grand Falls

Dear Gerald,
Now my dear, you probably won’t like what I have to say, but you must stay away from those cocktails, otherwise it will end in tears! My friend Maude at the book club went through a similar battle, in her case it was those fancy vodka shots you snort up your nose… terrible business.

My dear, every time you feel yourself craving mojitos, drink something else instead, like a refreshing glass of lemonade, cock juice, or herbal tea. If you are craving the taste of mint, try dabbing toothpaste around the rim of the glass or penis.

Take great care,
Betty.

Well my dears, I don’t know about you, but my sack is empty. But no fear my loves, just post your questions in the electronic message box below, and who knows, Betty may be giving you some Good Advice next time!

Kiss kiss,
Betty


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4 Responses to “Good Advice with Betty Lemons”

Hello Betty,
every time I try and talk to a pretty girl, I get embarrassed and throw up. Is this normal?
Thanks you!

Dear Betty,

I wonder if you could help me with a little problem I have recently run into. I love a drop of my deliciously tangy, potent juice – I’m talking about my patented homebrew of course – but this Bonfire Night I knocked back a glass or eight too many and accidentally burnt my farm down. I now live in a disgusting theme pub, and sometimes dance the funky chicken for free drinks from the regulars. What have I become? Love your column, Gerry.

Dear Betty,

Why is it that men don’t find me attractive? I could really use some suggestions. I really want to retire soon and I can’t do that without a sugar daddy to give me money.

Sincerely,
CatLady
.-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..OMG! What Happened? Where Did She Go? =-.

Dear Betty,

I have this “friend” who seems obsessed with male genitalia. Every piece of advice she gives seems littered with phallic references. What should I do?

😀
.-= Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..Goat Thing of the Day: It’s a Sign =-.

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