We all know how hard it is to diet – trying to lose those hanging rolls of repulsive flab can seem like an impossible feat! Fortunately those svelte Japanese boffins have invented an incredible new weight loss weapon – Diet Water! It’s fat-tastic!
According to our calculations, regular water contains zero calories, so this magical mineral water must contain minus 50 calories, or something like that! Drink Diet Water and you are actually LOSING weight! Or something like that!*
* Enjoy all those forbidden foods including burgers, pepperoni and lard sandwiches – Diet Water will wash those fatty calories right out your system and replace them with negative calories, somehow! Save up your negative calories as credits towards your next uncontrolled McBinge session!
* Need to squeeze yourself into that wedding dress or manly beach thong? Simply consume nothing but Diet Water for just ONE WEEK and you could flush away up to 2lbs of disgusting body fat!*
* According to our calculations, assuming a margin of error of approx 98%.
Oh, I’ve heard about this, you know… Thin people drinking water and vanishing from the face of the Earth. This stuff is dangerous.
Of course, the danger doesn’t apply to plus size people like me. I can use the -50 calories per bottle. Magic, I tell ya. I can see it now. Glug glug glug, and I go off sprinting for gold, throwing javelins and what not.
Best of all, it’s the ultimate license to gorge. Double cheese pizza? No problem. Just hand me that bottle of diet water first. Chocolate fudge? Piece of cake. Milk shakes and sundaes? Every Sunday through Saturday. Ice cream with honey-dipped cashew topping? Deep fried crispy chi…
Damn it, I’m dreaming again, aren’t I? It was a sweet dream, while it lasted.
Left by hammy on July 9th, 2009