Geoff Brown: A mystery. An enigma. A sandwich eater.

A seat. A ferry. A mystery.
An unknown scribe carves a strange message into the plastic seat of the Halifax to Dartmouth ferry, and disappears back into the shadows.

Who? What? Why?

“Geoff Brown eats sandwiches”.
Who left the message? What could it mean? Would Tom Hanks be interested in starring in the movie adaptation? I decided to investigate.

1. Who was Geoff Brown?
I asked around my fellow ferry passengers, but no-one knew of this man. I spotted an overweight, scruffy-looking guy eating a sandwich on the upper deck. “I am not Geoff Brown,” he declared. “Please go away, you are spoiling my lunch.” This investigation was going to be harder than I thought.

There was only one thing for it; summon the God of information, Google. In its wisdom, it responded that Geoff Brown could be a website developer, a snowboard instructor or a stand-up comedian. None of them fitted the profile of a mysterious cross-ferry sandwich muncher. Google, you let me down!

I called the local police to ask if they could check their records. The police lady on the other end of the phone wasn’t very helpful. She just kept repeating “Look madam, is this an emergency or not?” How the hell was I supposed to know? Supposing Geoff Brown was stealing baked goods from Halifax-area cafes, and consuming the evidence on the ferry ride home? This message could be a cry for help from an out-of-control ciabatta criminal, like those serial killers who leave calling cards on their victims’ corpses. Honesty, I try to help the police, and all I get is abuse…

2. What was significant about the eating of the sandwiches?
The identity of Geoff Brown, be he friend or foe, remained a mystery. In the interests of wild speculation, could the next part of the message provide any clues to his identity… and what was so great about these ruddy sandwiches?

Like the idiot who scrawled “TIGGY IS GHEY” on my office’s washroom wall, perhaps the graffiti artist was trying to spread nasty rumours about poor Mr. Brown. But why would his love of sandwiches be such a shameful secret?

Just shut the fuck up about the sandwiches, alright?Maybe Geoff Brown was a kung-fu wrestling smackdown champ. Rather than gorging on raw meat and tree trunks for lunch, he secretly consumed delicate cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off. For a guy who spent his days grappling with sweaty semi-naked men, any claim of effeminacy would be pretty hurtful. Maybe his opponent was conducting a dirty-tricks campaign of psychological torture… by scrawling insults on a ferry seat. Well I don’t frigging know, wrestlers are a strange bunch.

Then I had a breakthrough-supposing the message was incomplete? Perhaps the scribe was caught in the act, and thrown overboard before he could finish his carving. This opened up lots of new possibilities. Maybe it was supposed to read “Geoff Brown eats sandwiches from Tubby Jack’s Sandwich Shack! Try their Beef & Bacon Mega-Sub today!” So the graffiti was nothing more than a cunning advertising campaign? Or perhaps it was one of those stupid subliminal ads, which never actually tell you what it is you’re supposed to be buying.
I think Tubby Jack should ask the ad agency for a refund, to be honest.

3. Why was I spending so much time thinking about this?
Well, aren’t you wondering now?

Despite my thorough investigation, the mystery of Geoff Brown and his sandwich fetish remains unsolved. The scribe will take the secret to his grave, Geoff Brown will continue to consume/steal/advertise his beloved lunchtime treat, and Tom Hanks hasn’t returned any of my phone calls.

I think I might take the bus in future.


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19 Responses to “Geoff Brown Eats Sandwiches: A Ferry Odd Mystery”

Maybe it’s a mnemumonic device like “Good Boys Do Fine Always”? Or “All Cows Eat Grass.” “Geoff Brown Eats Sandwiches.” G… B… E Sharp? 🙂

Jenn Thorson’s last blog post..The Bureau of Character Complaints is Now Open

My Lord, it’s an anagram! Now what is the author trying to tell us? Generic Sweatband Showoffs? Or maybe Cowhands Beefing Softwares? Are there any controversial cowhand lores in your area?

Douglas’s last blog post..I Swear, People

LMAO, that is the strangest graffitti I’ve ever seen, no wonder you’re confused. I agree that Tom Hanks would be perfect in the movie version!

its clearly a dead letter box code drop used by a North Korean spy ring…….i reckon you only have hours to live now they know you are on to them!

rld’s last blog post..Bah Humbug

My guess is that Geoff wrote this in order to elevate his lunch routine into Found Art.

Lidian’s last blog post..Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Thixotro

Geoff Brown is now famous on the internet, lol!

What kind of sandwiches is he eating? I may want to come share with him… Trace the ketchup trail. You’ll find him that way.

RedRaider’s last blog post..Lose My Edge? Not On Your Life, Or Mine!

So is this seat Halifax’s new tourist attraction? I will look out for it when I’m there next!!

Well, now, this is really going to bother me. I Googled “Geoff Brown + sandwiches” but only came up with bookmark sites that led here. STRANGE!

I think you’re on the right track with the message being incomplete. Perhaps whoever was writing it was stopped somehow . . . and by “stopped,” I mean “MURDERED!”

Oh, you’ve got your work cut out for you, missy.

JD at I Do Things’s last blog post..I Watched 5 Minutes of a Movie so you don’t have to

Geoff Brown Eats Sandwiches?

Them’s fightin’ words where I come from! Geoff best get out his 6 shooter with the pearl handle and go after the weaselly scamp who wrote that about him. Everyone knows Geoff Brown only eats raw steaks at the local saloon.

Larew’s last blog post..School’s Out… and My Reign of Terror is Over!

Jenn: Seeing E sharp is actually F, then Geoff Brown F… oh, I don’t want to know.

Douglas: Controversial cowhand lore? Hmmm, the only controversial law I know of is that active firefighters are not permitted to have sex with animals. I don’t think that is what Geoff is trying to remind us of there.

Meg: I’m waiting for the call right now. C’mon Tom, this would be a blockbuster!

RLD: Is that why a large tank full of Koreans is parked outside my house? I was wondering.

Lidian: So Geoff is one of those ‘living art’ artists? Maybe his next installation will be a real sandwich lying on the seat. That would be nice.

Evil: I wonder if I’m entitled to some kind of finding fee.

Red: No evidence of ketchup, but there were traces of chewing gum and cigarette butts. That’s a pretty odd sandwich if you ask me.

Jeff: I’m going to start charging tourists $5 to sit in the ‘Geoff Brown’ seat.

JD: I’ll call the cops right away, and let them know what you came up with. I’m sure they’ll be pleased to hear from me again.

Larew: Oooh, a shoot-out on the Halifax-Dartmouth ferry! I’m definitely selling tickets for that.

Dear Nosey Ass Bitch:

I write that, and other, sentences down so I remember details about myself in case someday I lose my memory. Ever see Fifty First Dates? I have the same affliction. Not that I remember this, but thank God I’ve spray-painted on my garage door “Geoff Brown Has Short Term Memory Disorder”. I just don’t ever want to be stuck at lunchtime, and forget what I like to eat. Is that so complicated?

Sincerely,
Geoff Brown

Chris’s last blog post..Martin Short Ate My Dinner

Chris (or is it Geoff?): And so, the mystery is solved. Pretty obvious, really.

Or is it?

I hear bing.com is doing wonderous things. At least their commercial says so. Perhaps you could try your research there. Do a search using “lyrics,geoff,brown,eats,sandwiches”. I bet that would help. I’m thinking it’s part of a song because when I say it out loud I hear music in my head.

Margaret (Nanny Goats)’s last blog post..NGIP Has a Sit Down with Award-Winning TV Writer Russ Woody

Margaret: I had a go. Bing informed me “We did not find any results for lyrics,geoff,brown,eats,sandwiches. Seriously, like, WTF?”

Foiled again!

Hey Tiggy, I’m still thinking about this mystery! Has Tom Hanks called yet??

Maybe Geoff Brown eats “magick” sandwiches? I know, I know. I just made myself sick.

kathcom’s last blog post..Sandwich Fixins #6

Jeff: Tom Hanks did call, but considering he took over a week to get back to me, I’ve changed my mind. I’m not working with amateurs!

Kath: Good plug, nice one!

A mystery indeed. Love it!

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