What’s orange, German and intent on world domination? No, not a Nazi with a suntan, but the mighty ShamWow! The legendary TV ad starring Vince Offer and his super-absorbent miracle cloth has resulted in millions reaching for the phone, desperately hoping they call in the next 20 minutes to receive another ShamWow FREE to use in the bathroom, or on pets, or even on Olympic divers…

Anyway, I’ve been giving ShamWow a lot of thought. Maybe too much thought. Not content with my fabulous Wii game concept, I’ve come up with more amazing ShamWow products that will have you saying “WOW!”

BabySham: New mothers! Wasting too much time changing baby when you could be reading mommy blogs? Simply swaddle your newborn in the BabySham super-absorbent diaper, which holds up to 20 litres of infant pee! If your baby is too heavy to pick up, it’s time to change the diaper! Great for the old and infirm too.

Wow On The Rocks: This take-anywhere liquor solution is perfect for busy alcoholics on the go! Pour two bottles of tequila, half a bottle of vodka and a splash of orange into your ShamWow and stow away in your briefcase or school bag. Simply wring the desired amount into a glass for an instant ShamWow Martini!

ShamWow Levee: New Orleans! Fed up of your city being washed away every year? Introducing the new ShamWow Levee! This bright orange flood defence soaks up those troublesome floods in no time, without having you having to sit on your roof while your government ignores you!
Y’all be sayin’ “Wowwww!”

SnitchWow: Mafiosi! Looking for a lightweight, portable alternative to concrete boots? Simply wrap unwanted bloody corpses, mangled police informants or crazed Miami hookers in the SnitchWow blanket, drop into the river and let its super absorbency sink the dirty squealer like a stone!
Call in the next 20 minutes and we’ll throw in a Goodfella Goo Mop – great for mopping up those irksome bloodstains!

TenaWow: Ladies of a certain age! Do you suffer from embarrassing leaks or accidents… are you still with me, camera guy…?

Can we mop it? Yes we can!

Thinking About Stuff | 18 Comments »

The Lunenburg County Bugler’s top columnist shakes his fist and rants about all the things that would get him fired if he wrote about it in the Lunenburg County Bugler.

Me and Prime Minister Stephen Harper agree on one thing. The Arts are rubbish! So-called ‘artists’ waste their time splattering paint about and poncing around on stage, when they could be doing useful jobs like building cars and running banks!

Tonight I have to review a play at the local arts theatre. The play is billed as “An intimate study of one woman’s journey through life and spirituality, reflected against the backdrop of social turmoil and political strife in 1960s Belfast”. Gahhhh!

Why are plays always about dramatic spiritual journeys and social turmoil? Why can’t they be about monkeys or something? I’d like to see a play about monkeys.

Tomorrow I have to attend an open night at the local Gallery of Modern Art. They have nibbles, which is the main reason I’m going. But how am I going to make polite conversation with the fancy art crowd about this:

Apparently, this work is a study of the symbolic progression of climate change as perceived through the eyes of nature…. I can see rabbits. With boobs? Are those things pretzels? What?

The stray cats at the local dump have created better art than that! No really, they have:

Not bad for a first attempt, Tiddles!

Ohhh, I’m so cross I’m going to set fire to the Fire Station and call it Art. Ta-ta!

I'm So Angry! | 7 Comments »

The time has come, dear readers, for me to share my Hugh Laurie anecdote. When I was 15, me and my friend Sarah saw him NAKED. Well… ok, he was wearing underpants. But they were very tight underpants.

Beads of sweat trickled down Hugh’s manly chest and his sky-blue eyes glistened in the gloom.
“Oh, Hugh!” I sighed.
“Come here, big boy!” drooled Sarah
“Oooooh!” swooned the other 1,200 people sitting in the theatre.

Well… ok, we were watching Hugh in a West End play. Maybe not the intimate encounter I would have liked, but at least Sarah and I had the best seats in the house! We were so close to the stage we could practically lick him. I’m sure Hugh could feel the love emanating from our hot young bodies as he bound towards us in all his manly glory.

Hugh performing on stage in his smalls was, for us, the female equivalent of visiting a strip club. We learned a lot about the wonder of womanhood that afternoon, I tell you! Mmmm, damp.
Mr. Laurie has a new legion of female fans since House took over every TV channel in the galaxy. Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes I forget the good doctor is a fictional character…

Does this ever happen to you? You go to the doctor with a bizarre mystery illness which is a bit like Lupus but isn’t Lupus. You secretly hope you’ll get referred to the crotchety blue-eyed hunk for an intensive course of hands-on treatment. Dr. House may even need to treat you wearing just his underwear! It will be worth bleeding from every orifice just to get an anal probe from Dr. Sexy.

Unfortunately, by the time you’re laying on the examination table with your naked bum in the air, you remember Dr. House isn’t real. Instead, you end up getting prodded by a burly Russian with a white coat and hairy hands, who studied medicine while awaiting his murder trial. There’s no House in this doctor.

Just me then? Oh well. At least I didn’t have Lupus.

Showbiz Life | 22 Comments »

Music fans! Need to brighten up your miserable existence with a jolly jig or a dollop of jizzy jazz? Thank the Lord for Tiggy’s Hit Parade!

(Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Get jiggy with it!

3. Country Church

You wanted an album jam-packed with ditties about grain farmers, fruit chutney and Jesus? You got it! This folk four-piece from the Prairies were hit headliners at the 1988 Saskatoon Festival of Music and Meat. Wholesome hits include:

* Taste My Muffins at the County Fayre

* The Cock Doth Rise Early In the Morn

* Foursome for the Lord

* Jesus Died So I Could Jig

* I Love to Bang (The Drum of Peace)

They should fill a sizeable slot on Nice Fluffy Family Happy Funtime with their holy hollering. Thanks to Worst Album Covers for their toppermost of the poppermost record collection.

Next Time on Hit Parade – A tuneful treat for your gay pet!

Hit Parade | 20 Comments »