Music fans! Confused by the choices in your record store? Want to get ‘with it’ like all the hip cats down at the Hop? Or something? Then check out Tiggy’s Hit Parade reviews!

(Unfortunately, Tiggy possesses neither a turntable nor any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Do the mashed potato! And gravy.

1. All My Friends Are Dead

Poor social outcast Freddie! No clues as to the nature of his entire social circle’s demise. Either Freddie has dark secrets and suspicious lumps of meat in his freezer, or his friends simply took their lives en mass after hearing his last album I’m Hiding In Your Wardrobe.

Freddie’s miserable medleys (possibly) include:

* Banned From Facebook Again

* Swingin’ (From The Rafters)

* My Hamster Left Home

* I’m Hiding In Your Basement

* It Tastes Like Chicken, But It Isn’t Chicken

A great party album for wakes and intensive care units! Thanks to Worst Album Covers for their toppermost of the poppermost record collection.

Next time on Hit Parade – Folky Frolics… and Fruit Chutney!

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Hit Parade | 19 Comments »

I collected my mate Sparky and his trucker buddy Super Dave from the airport following their deportation from China. After going on the run from the local police, the idiots decided it would be a good idea to stow away in a container ship bound for Shanghai. Their illegal residency was rumbled when Super Dave committed a tourist faux-pas during a visit to a sacred shrine. Apparently getting drunk and sitting on an ancient temple roof singing Nickelback songs is somewhat frowned upon by the Chinese authorities.

Mandarin Miss

Sparky not only brought back a suitcase full of fake DVDs and trainers, but he also brought back a girlfriend. May Lau was petite, graceful and blissfully unaware of Sparky’s criminal record. But it wasn’t for me to ruin her romantic dreams. Not that I could explain anyway, as she spoke very little English. Sparky’s command of Mandarin only stretched to items on Mr. Chang’s Noodle House menu. Love would find a way somehow.

Sparky had assured May’s parents he was a successful businessman. He would happily employ May and fill out her immigration forms, no problem. Sparky had also launched a new enterprise to make his fortune – party planning. One lesson his ill-fated spiritual retreat had taught him was that he could put on a damn good party. Flashing lights, pounding music and a bootlegged free-flow bar was all it took. And in the darkness of the disco, guests would never notice that the buffet food had been liberated from the convenience store dumpster. This new career was going to be a breeze, and May was going to help him.

While Super Dave was sent out to flypost the local community hall, May was given a dictionary and instructed to take down bookings. She’d get the hang of English in no time. Sparky went off to the local tavern to spend the afternoon networking with his peers.

Party On

Sparky called me a few days later with the exciting news that they’d taken their first booking at the community hall! The caller needed an event arranging for tomorrow night – it was short notice and May had indicated caller was distressed. Maybe he’d forgotten a relative’s birthday or something. May had cutely described the client’s requirements as a “fun, lol party”. At least she was picking up textspeak. Sparky and Super Dave rushed to the hall with a truck full of disco lights, streamers and illicit beer. Determined not to let his new client down, it was going to be the best party in town!

The following evening I went over to the community hall to witness the big event. Sparky had not been able to get hold of his client all day as his cell phone had been switched off. What a jerk. But Sparky was confident his client was going to freak out when he walked through the door. Sparky and Super Dave had transformed the dowdy venue into a hip nightclub complete with strobe lighting, baskets of huge balloons and the thumping beats of DJ Frigg, the local lesbian hip-hop artist. Sparky had excelled himself! May’s parents would be so proud of their future son-in-law. I nearly shed a tear.

And Sparky was right. When his client arrived at the hall with his guests he did freak out.

Not a fun, lol party.

A FUNERAL party.

Apparently May is now dating the head chef at Mr Changs’s Noodle House.

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Adventures of Sparky & Super Dave | 8 Comments »

Santa is a bastard! He didn’t bring me a Nintendo Wii for Christmas. Come on Santa, how many begging letters to the North Pole do I need to send before I get one? It cost me a fortune in stamps, and now the lady at the Post Office thinks I’m weird.

How else can I work off all that holiday booze, other than by jiggling in front of the TV waving around a plastic wand?

Pining for a Wii got me thinking about all the fab games I won’t be playing this year. I’ve also come up with a few game ideas of my own. How much would all you Wii fans want to play the following games? A lot much, I reckon!

Snow Shovel Star 2009 – Relive all the fun of a sub-zero whiteout! Select your spade and get ready for hours of back-breaking shoveling fun! Plough your way through levels including Appalachian Avalanche, Dig Out the Car before the Wife Gives Birth, and Springtime in Winnipeg! Great snow shoveling practice for Dad!

Kozy Knitting Korner – You’ll knot want to put down your Wireless Knitting Needles with this awesome craft game! Knit virtual sweaters, socks and fluffy gifts for all the family. It’s not a complete waste of time at all! Coming soon – World of LoomCraft and Potter’s Wheel for Wii!

Espresso A Go-Go – Realize your barista dreams with your own virtual percolator! Use your wand to select your beans, grind them to perfection, then fill your coffee machine and watch it brew! Obviously you can’t drink the coffee as it’s pretend.

ShamWow Mansion – The most absorbent game you’ll ever play! Using the WiiWow Virtual Miracle Cloth, race around ShamWow Mansion clearing up cola, pet stains and vomit before That Guy With The Headset catches you and kills you with his Weapon of Mass Absorption!
If you’re not saying “Wow!” by the end of this game, you must be fucked in the head or something!

Busker Bum – It’s like Guitar Hero for the homeless! Busk and beg for money on the mean streets of Wiiville. Can you make enough money to buy your next wrap of heroin or bottle of meths? Will your audience be throwing you bucks – or buttons? Don’t forget to watch out for violent cops, drunken tramps and overpriced hookers!

Go On, Poke It With A Stick – Ewww, what’s that? Probe and prod for hours with your Virtual Poking Stick! Jab your way through squishy adventures including Roadkill Alley, Poo Bar and This Looks Like a Job For CSI. Icky!

I’m off to copyright these game ideas right now. If I ever get my hands a flamin’ Wii before I die of old age, I promise to dedicate all my productive time to mopping up at ShamWow Mansion. Game on!

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Dorky Internet Corner | 22 Comments »

Wow! I nearly came when I saw these out-of-this-world super space suits! Frustrated shuttle pilots everywhere can indulge their fantasies with these cosmic costumes.

Simply redecorate your garage or lounge in tin foil, and create high-tech controls from old switches and cereal boxes… and prepare to lift off!

There’s no end of space fantasies I’d love to recreate inside my shiny capsule.

* To enhance your galactic experience, hire a children’s bouncy castle and pretend to bounce your way across the moon or even Mars! Don’t forget – shoes off first.

* For a hilarious prank, pretend you are a Cosmonaut who has crash-landed in your neighbour’s garden. Tell them in made-up Russian you need them to urgently phone Vladimir Putin, NASA and the nearest Radioactive Waste Decontamination Unit. They will be thrilled to have such fun-loving neighbours!

If you can’t afford to spend $$$ at The Space Store, simply pop over to the Kennedy Space Center and grab yourself a pair of these fetching high-tech intergalactic… oven gloves!

As used on the space shuttle by Neil Armstrong! Probably.

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Shopping Bizarre | 13 Comments »