In my quest to find gainful employment, I’m trying out some new career options. The bar work and animal stuffing jobs didn’t go so well. I need something more glamourous and exciting…

3. Erotica Shop
If I’m going to work in a shop, it might as well sell interesting stuff. So what better than a XXX adults-only sex shop? At least it won’t be full of schoolchildren and old ladies muttering about arthritis. And a 10% employee discount on all leather goods!

However, my day at Sticky Ricky’s Love Emporium wasn’t all fun and Vaseline…

- Customers don’t tend to be hunky young men needing help in the fitting room.

- Don’t ask “Can I help you, Sir?” to an obviously amateur transvestite.

- Using the PA system to announce “We’re rolling back prices on cock rings!” is not appropriate.

- Employees only get a 5% discount. Dammit!

4. Movie Extra
I was always destined for acting greatness. Ever since my well-received performance as sheep #3 in the school nativity, I knew my acting talents should be developed. Unfortunately my fake Actors’ Union membership card fooled no-one, but I managed to get work as an extra. Things I learned…

- Getting a part as a murder victim in CSI is not much fun. Unless you enjoy spending 14 hours covered in blood locked a packing trunk.

The director didn’t actually use me; he just locked me in a packing trunk all day.

- Do not accept any work for movies about high seas, mountain rescues or being trapped at the top of blazing roller coasters.

- The director does not need ‘in-the-field’ assistance and criticism from you, the 19th pedestrian on the left. Unless you want to go back in the packing trunk again.

- You will spend most of the day huddled in the corner of a muddy field with your fellow extras, while the cast and crew laugh at you from their cozy trailers. The lead actors will pass the time by playing ‘Extras Skittles’ with oranges and small rocks.

So much for my dream job! Sitting in a warm office drinking coffee and breaking wind all day doesn’t seem like such a bad deal after all.
And on the bright side, I still have my Sticky Ricky’s Dirty Discounts card…

2 for 1 deal on all leather thongs over at Humor Blogs

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Work Is Stupid | 11 Comments »

You know you’re bored at work when you spend the day stapling your hair to the desk for something to do. It’s time to leave when you start breaking wind just to annoy your fellow office workers.

But no more tedious office jobs for me! My future career is going to be exciting and rewarding with lots of free lunches and things to steal. Hmm, let me see…

1. Bar Manager

This sounds like a dream job! Late nights, free booze and cheery customers bloating their livers while swelling my coffers. A friend with a bar let me shadow him for the evening. I learned a few things.

- Testing the liquor optics by sucking on them is not correct procedure.

- A rude and obnoxious diner is not to be advised that Tonight’s Special is Pan-Fried Fuck Off.

- ‘A round of drinks’ does not automatically include one for the bar manager.

- You will spend 85% of your time doing the accounts, 10% cleaning vomit from the ladies’ washroom and 10% re-doing the accounts because the numbers don’t add up.

Running a bar sucks! I know which side of the counter I’ll be staying in future.

2. Working with Animals
Apart from cats, I love all animals and they love me too. I would make a great Zoo keeper (apart from the poop, I’m not touching that) or racehorse breeder (apart from the poop, I’m not touching that) or veterinarian (apart from the poop, puke and fleas… ok, I’m not doing that).

There’s no better way to get to know animals inside out than a job at Bob’s Taxidermy! It’s like a petting zoo for bears, moose and ducks. Although the day did not go so well…

- No poop. But I’d forgotten about the blood, entrails and brains.

- Don’t poke a dead moose with a broom handle. Stuff will seep out.

- Offering to stuff Trapper Joe’s wife when she drops dead is not considered good customer service. Even if you offer a discount.

- Buckshot is difficult to extract from your own bum cheeks. Trapper Joe has a good shot.

Next time! Tiggy goes X-rated at an adult store and suffers on a movie set! Again!

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Work Is Stupid | 8 Comments »