I don’t know how I get involved in these things. My so-called friend Sparky rang me the other day as he had a problem. Sparky has many problems, but this one was a fluffy, squeaking problem.

His trucker buddy Super Dave had a job to collect a consignment of 300 live guinea pigs from the airport and deliver them to the local University research lab. Unfortunately Super Dave tends to gets rather misty-eyed about cute animals (especially after a few drinks, as on this occasion). Fearing he was driving his furry passengers towards a life of misery and pain, the idiot pretended they’d escaped from his rig and instead drove them to freedom.

More specifically he drove them to my house. Sparky had already declined the doe-eyed delivery due to the major house renovations he had coincidently just started that morning. But I wouldn’t mind looking after them – he’d call me right away and arrange safe passage for the liberated pigs. Oh, great. What was I supposed to do with 300 guinea pigs?

Not one to miss out on a money-making opportunity, Sparky realized he could make some cash out of the little critters. According to the Ecuadorian guy at the gas station, guinea pig tasted just like chicken and was a delicacy in South America.

Sparky figured he could sell them at $5 a pop to the local World Cuisine restaurant as an exotic entrée. They would also make great barbeque food as they were perfect patty size. Super Dave was not having that – he didn’t liberate them from the lab just for them to end up being grilled to perfection.

Sparky went off to visit his local herbalist with Super Dave’s tearful pleas ringing in his ears. I warned Sparky to hurry up and formulate a plan – my basement floor was now a wriggling carpet of fat-faced furballs. And their numbers seemed to be increasing.

A few days later, Sparky returned with his foolproof plan. His herbalist told him that guinea pigs were used by Andean bush doctors to cure arthritis. By gently rubbing the poor creature on the affected area, the pain would magically disappear.

The herbalist reckoned he could flog the guinea pigs at local seniors’ homes, where he had a large customer base for his ‘arthritic healing herbs’. They could probably sell two pigs a time – one for each knee. And the old folks would have a new friend to stroke and chat to. It was all good.

Sparky’s $15 ‘One Pig and One Gram’ deal sold like hot cakes. Within a week, they’d sold out of the little critters. For once I was impressed. For my help, Sparky gave me $200 and a promise never to let Super Dave anywhere near my house again.

Now all I have to do is find another $200 to cover my basement cleaning bill. Thanks, Sparky.

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Its official – men with beards are hot. Wouldn’t you love to fiddle with Dave Grohl’s grungy stubble, or swoon over George Clooney’s latest cock pirate look? I’d run a mile in the opposite direction if they shaved, that’s for sure.

I’ve been a beard fan since I was four and fell in love with Animal from the Muppet Show (I also wanted to marry C3-PO, but that story is going no further than my therapist).

As a four-year-old girl I dreamed of having my own beard one day. My fantasy was shattered after I excitedly informed my dad I wanted a beard like Animal’s when I grew up. Dad had to break the news to his sobbing daughter that ladies couldn’t grow beards. And maybe it was also time to reveal that C3-PO wasn’t a real robot. Childhood can be so painful.

It’s not fair. If women could grow beards just think of the fun we could have with them.

- Hairdressers can double their profits as matching hair ‘n’ beard highlights become fashionable. Women can squander more money on overpriced beard-care products to enhance their facial fur.

Accessories like ribbons, glitter and flashing LED lights could be woven into the beard to create a stunning look for the weekly Girls’ Night Out.

- Woke up with a beard that would make Fidel Castro weep? Now you can add Bad Beard Day to your list of excuses to stay in bed. Tell your boss you are sick due to “women’s problems” and no further questions will be asked. If your boss is a man you can take the rest of the week off, they have no clue about these things.

- Coordinate your “lady parts” and beard with a theme! Wow them at the clothing-optional beach with matching Brazilian stripes, or a sexy heart-shaped trim to impress your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day!

Those flashing LED lights could also be incorporated for a seasonal Christmas tree theme, creating a stunning festive display “above and below”.

- Beards have lots of practical uses. Never lose your keys or small children again by simply tying them to your beard.

Growing a long ZZ-Top beard will come in handy on holiday as a fluffy beach towel, or use it to hide grocery items you are not intending to pay for.

A beard of my own is but a dream, unless I start taking steroids or save my hair clippings to create my own face fuzz. Lady beards could be the new black! Look out for it at the next Paris Fashion Show.

The cock pirate look is all the rage over at Humor-Blogs.com

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Missed another flying saucer sighting? Make sure you’re first in the Close Encounters queue with this space-age UFO Detector, a bargain at only $69 of your Earth dollars!

* Its powerful radar scans the sky for extra-terrestrials lurking up to 25 miles away!

*A flashing light will activate when the approaching interplanetary fleet is detected. Probably.

* The detector’s compact size means you can take it camping, to the mall, in the shower – and it’s quicker than waiting for that ‘mutilated dead cow’ calling card those crazy aliens love to leave!

 But wait! There’s more! You too can be a ghost-busting hero with the incredible super-high-tech Ghost Detector!

* This state-of-the-art device alerts you whenever a headless horseman or murdered Victorian housemaid floats by.

A great gift for impressionable young children. Boo!

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I’m starting a campaign to ban apples. They may look delicious as they line up neatly in the grocery store, like a troupe of polished red soldiers on display. But they are EVIL! Apples have enjoyed world domination for too long, denying the rightful king of fruits – the banana – its crown.

Easily the best fruit ever, the banana is sunny yellow, full of goodness and loved by cute monkeys and Oriental sex performers everywhere. Watch out Granny Smith, I’m on to you!

Apples have been causing trouble since the beginning of time. Recall the trouble Eve got into when she nibbled on one of those little green bastards. One bite of a Golden Delicious and feminism is set back 10,000 years.

If only Eve had been tempted by a big luscious banana, that useless specimen Adam would have been told to Fig Off in no time.

Not content with messing it up for the ladies, the apple tried to halt the onset of human enlightenment by attempting to kill great scientist Sir Isaac Newton. According to what I read in a history book (I think), Sir Issac was innocently sitting under a tree inventing time travel, a cure for piles and a way to stop colours running in the washing machine (which he also had just invented).

A mercenary Cox’s Pippin sent to snuff out the boffin failed in its assassination attempt, causing only concussion. Newton was nursed back to health by Florence Nightingale, but the only thing he could recall was the Law of Gravity. This was of no use to anyone because gravity had already been invented.

The apple has found other ways to control us. Did you know the apple is the biggest threat to our youth? It has cleverly let poor little cannabis take the fall for that, the dastardly fruit it is.

Think about it. As a rite of passage, every 12-year-old must get drunk at the local park by chugging back a litre of cheap booze. To the young palette, beer tastes like battery acid. Pocket money won’t stretch to whiskey. What is cheap, sweet and will get you pissed and vomiting by the swings in no time? CIDER. Once hooked on this fruity poison, it’s downhill all the way to a life of alcoholic misery and self loathing.

Apple – It’s the Gateway Fruit. I think George Bush and Gordon Brown need to be told their war on drugs needs diverting to the orchards. Burn them! And the orchards.

An evil force depends on the apple for its survival – the wasp. This hideous killing machine sustains its powers by gorging on apples then proceeds to make our lives a misery by attacking our homes, barbeques and poolside sex parties. With the onset of global warming, the wasp is getting bigger – did you know scientists predict (maybe) that by 2030, wasps will be the size of herons? Can you imagine that flying into your open car window?

The only way to avoid the insect invasion is by destroying all apple trees and replacing them with banana plantations, which will attract cute wildlife like monkeys and Oriental sex performers.

It’s time to take action and oust the apple. I’m off to the supermarket now to chain myself to the fruit counter and demand this dangerous product be removed from the shelves – for the sake of the children.

Vive La Banana!!

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