A bright orange roof and gaudy neon sign signaled the arrival of our latest neighbourhood eatery – Hooters. I imagine a lot of women sighed in despair as the restaurant opened its doors to the crowds of excitable young men. The prospect of being served sizzling wings by a girl in tangerine hotpants isn’t my idea of fun. Yet I can’t help glancing longingly through the windows every time I drive by…

OK, I admit, I want to be a Hooters girl! I don’t really want to be a waitress – I tried it once, but my lack of balancing, pouring and social skills meant that career lasted one night only. No, it’s because all the girls who work at Hooters are pretty.

They have skinny legs, shiny hair and white-toothed smiles. Their orange hotpants don’t make their butt look like two bouncing pumpkins.

If I was a Hooters girl I could use my female assets to hide my lack of waitressing skills. It wouldn’t matter if I dropped the salsa or poured hot gravy into the slightly bulging lap of my diner – he would be too busy trying to get a glimpse down my t-shirt to notice. And then he’d leave me a big tip! Now that’s job satisfaction.

However, I think I’ve left it too late to pursue my dream. Most waitresses at the restaurant are students, so I’m probably 10 years to late to be a Hooters girl. Although I was probably 10 years too late 10 years ago.

Come to think of it, there’s never been a period in my life when I haven’t looked dorky, awkward or lumpy in the wrong places. I’m just not Hooters girl material.

I wonder if other Hooters wannabes have landed their dream job, only to be greeted by screams of horror as crowds rush to the door to escape the sight of their wobbly orange-peel thighs.

On the other hand I probably look as good as it’s going to get, so why not try? If I land the job I’ll let you all know. You could all come in and ask to be served by that cute waitress with the matching colour hair and hotpants, no, she’s not a freaky old hag, she’s just, erm, womanly.

Would you mind doing that for me? Just don’t order anything with hot gravy and you’ll be fine.

Mind you, there is another place where I can wear hotpants, serve men beer and get lots of tips. And the place is so dark I could easily hide my dorkyness. Although I don’t think I could manage that pole…

Hotpants are tight and wings are hot over at Humor-Blogs.com

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Drinking Eating & Drinking | 25 Comments »

What price glory, eh? Several atheletes at the Beijing Olympics were stripped of their medals after positive drugs tests. And for what? A metal disc and a trip around their hometown on an open-top bus. Drugs in sport are wrong! But supposing they were alright? Some sports could positively benefit from a shot of something…

Caffeinated Golf - The utterly dull ‘sport’ of golf could be livened up instantly by priming the dreary competitors with double espressos and energy drinks before play. Imagine the speed a game would be finished in as the hyper hitters tremble their way to the 18th hole!

No need for golf carts as competitors race around the green like retarded rabbits.

High Cage Fighting - Like most people, I enjoy watching near-naked sweaty men rolling around on the floor. However cage fighting can get rather violent and bloody. Where’s the love, guys?

I propose a much gentler version of the sport, where both musclemen smoke a giant spliff before combat. We will instead be treated to the sight of near-naked sweaty men rolling around on the floor, giggling and shouting “Dude! I love you!” “No I love you more!” A sure-fire hit with ladies and the gay community.

Drunk Javelin - Make sure the competitors are tanked up to the tank tops, give them a huge pointed spear and point them in the general direction of the target. Watch those javelins fly!

This could be the ultimate in audience participation sport, as the crowd will have to keep a keen eye on the direction of those mighty arrows.

500m Nicotine Back Stroke - To brighten up tedious swimming races, all competitors have to swim with a lit cigarette dangling from their mouths.

The swimmers must keep puffing away until the finish – an unlit soggy butt will mean elimination! Just think of the sponsorship possibilities for Marlboro.

Running - All runners should be allowed to take as many steroids as their bodies can handle. Races will be run in the shortest time possible – the 1500m will be over in a matter of seconds!

In that way, the Olympics will be over a lot sooner and won’t junk up the TV schedules all summer.

I’m thinking maybe LSD Formula 1 and potato vodka skydiving are non-starters, and any sport involving bullets should perhaps retain their drug-free policy. Are there any sports you would want livened up by a lychee martini or two? Tell Tiggy!

Their manly muscles are steroid-free over at Humor-Blogs.com

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A Bit High | 13 Comments »

Kids today – they don’t know they’re born, eh? I never had a Wii, cell phone or the internet when I was growing up. But I don’t envy the toys and gadgets available to today’s kids. Well, maybe I’m a bit jealous. As a kid I would have happily sold my pet hamster for a cool Japanese robot or for all that Star Wars merchandise. It’s not fair!

When I was a child all I wanted in the whole world was a Star Wars light saber. Every Christmas I’d beg my parents for that glowing plastic sword. And every Christmas I got Barbie dolls and Fuzzy Felts. That was great, but I reaaaallly wanted a light saber. A cardboard tube painted bright blue just wasn’t the same.

Starved of futuristic weapons and plastic movie merchandise, I had to make my own intergalactic entertainment.

Pee-aaawwn, Pee-aaawwn

Every weekend my little buddies and I congregated in my bedroom with a tape recorder, two plastic ray guns and a huge bottle of tartrazine-laden orange soda. We wrote, directed and starred in an awesome space adventure show called, well, Space Adventure.

I played a Princess Leia-type heroine with a flowing white gown and an alarmingly bloodthirsty outlook for a seven-year-old. My friend Sam was the ship’s commander (it’s not fair, I wanted to be commander – so much for women’s lib) and snot-nosed little Danny was DZ-7 the robot. He didn’t really relish the part as he had to spend the whole afternoon speaking in a monotone American accent. “Beep…power-failure-in-reverse-thruster-four…beep”. In hindsight, I think he would have preferred to have played Princess Leia.

We spent the whole weekend running around my bedroom, I mean Starship Eagle-5, battling fires in reverse thrusters and zapping menacing borgatron robots (also voiced by Danny in a snuffly monotone voice). “Pee-aaawwn! Pee-aaawwn!” we squealed as we pretended to fire our ray guns. Commander Sam shouted “We’re coming down too fast!” way too many times.

Aren’t Kids Irritating?

My poor parents. Their peaceful weekend was shattered by the sound of screams, thudding feet and pee-aaawwn pee-aaawwn. They were then treated to our evening presentation of Space Adventure, and were forced to listen to a three hour recording of what they’d just heard all afternoon.

If only we had been able to spend our free time glued to the internet or playing video games my house would have been a lot quieter, not full of rampaging small children waving ray guns and spilling orange soda on the carpet. But what a dull childhood that would have been! I wouldn’t have swapped Space Adventure for anything.

Strangely enough, I recently discovered that snotty little Danny now works for a major electronics company… that makes production line robots. I hope he’s not secretly working on borgatrons.
Pee-aaawwn!

They’re coming down too fast and need to fire their reverse thrusters over at Humor-Blogs.com

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Little Tiggy's Adventures | 15 Comments »

The internet’s great, isn’t it! I can’t believe humans survived 200,000 years without YouTube or lolcats. But the internet is addictive! A recent report estimated 10% of Americans were addicted to the internet, wasting precious hours goggling at Google and pretending not to look at porn.

But how to kick the net nerd habit? The only thing to do is replace it with another addiction. I’ve tried out a few alternatives for you.

Gambling: Why spent hours glued to internet poker when you can visit a casino and do the same, but with free cocktails? In the interests of doing my research properly, I headed to Las Vegas to indulge in a week of hedonistic one-arm-bandit compulsion.

Unfortunately I ran out of quarters within the hour and spent the next six days pretending to play the machines with bus tokens so I could get the free booze.

Religion: Religious addicts who spend all day going door-to-door to preach the Word of the Lord don’t have time to muck about on the net. So why not get hooked on holiness? Who knows what interesting people you’ll meet and cups of tea you’ll be offered by sympathetic old ladies.

Armed with a few stolen copies of Watchtower I roamed the streets looking pious and in need of tea. Result? If you are thinking of becoming a religious zealot a) make sure you can outrun large dogs and b) don’t expect many cups of tea.

Stupid Puzzles: You often see people on the train or driving to work with their head buried in a book of Soduku. They just can’t get enough of writing numbers in boxes! And it’s an addiction that may improve your brain, not mince it all up.

Sadly, not being able to add up severely impeded my enjoyment of this game and I’m still not quite sure what the rules are. Pac Man was a lot easier, wasn’t it?

Collecting Stuff: Stamps, tea pots, garden gnomes or cock-shaped vegetables – there’s so many things to collect! Some people have to live in their car because they’ve filled their house with so many glass clowns or Royal Wedding plate sets.

I decided to start a collection of panda finger puppets. Unfortunately there are only three panda finger puppet shops in Nova Scotia, so once I’d cleaned them out I was finished. I want eBay back.

Sex: This compulsion should be an attractive prospect for most net addicts, considering how much porn they’ve viewed over the years. However, reliving those steamy internet sex scenes is not easy.

If you don’t have a significant other (and let’s face it, most net addicts either haven’t or forgot about their spouse long ago) where are you going to find all those oiled-up musclemen and hot blonde babes? Not down the Legion on Saturday night, that’s for sure.

I think I’ll stick to my internet addiction for now. At least on the internet I don’t get my pockets emptied or attacked by dogs. And look out for 500 panda finger puppets for sale on eBay soon.

They have the world’s biggest collection of panda finger puppets at Humor-Blogs.com

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Dorky Internet Corner | 22 Comments »