The $50 Guru
My friend Sparky has become a New Age spiritual guru. He apparently experienced a transcendental revelation after falling over a beer cooler at a barbeque. Coincidentally, that same evening his trucker buddy Super Dave offered him a cheap shipment of healing crystals that had materialized in the back of his rig. It was a sign, Sparky told me. If I gave him $50 he would revitalize my aura. Seemed like a bargain.
He brought round a box of sparkling crystals. I was to place them around the house and rub them when I felt my Ch’i take a turn for the worse, although I wasn’t sure what that felt like. The crystals were calming to look at as they twinkled in the sunlight. But after spending $200 on vet fees to retrieve one from my cat’s stomach, I decided to return them. Sparky wouldn’t give me a refund. He said the crystals’ energy was depleted and he couldn’t resell them. And one appeared to have teeth marks.
Sparky offered to re-energize my house using the Chinese technique of Feng Shui, which he had been studying all day on Wikipedia. He wandered around the house in a trance, sensing levels of free-flowing energy and identifying areas where it got stuck. I heard him make a lot of fuss around the refrigerator, but it turned out he was just making a sandwich to rejuvenate his Ch’i. It was very draining work, he said.
He moved all my furniture to face north, rearranged my wardrobe and asked if he could take the coffee table as it was adversely affecting the energy flow. And a $20 contribution would be appreciated; he would donate it to the local holistic herbalist. To be honest the house didn’t feel energized. I couldn’t see the TV from my north-facing couch and the lack of coffee table was adversely affecting my ability to put anything down.
Sparky sensed my chakra was misaligned and suggested some hands-on therapy. He was taking an internet course in Thai massage, learning the ancient tradition via a live feed from a Bangkok parlour. Give him a soft towel, massage oil (Canola oil would do) and somewhere to balance his video camera and he would heal me in no time. Super Dave was interested in learning too, could he come along and watch? I declined Sparky’s generous offer and gave him $20 to bugger off. He left me the number of his buddy’s telephone Reiki service and headed off to his holistic herbalist.
I went round to Sparky’s house today to reclaim my coffee table but he was out. Apparently he and Super Dave have given up New Age spirituality and are attending a Hypnotism training course at the local community hall. I’m not falling for that.
If he gives me $50 he can practice on the cat.
Massages are free over at Humor-Blogs.com
13 thoughts on “The $50 Guru”
I always thought the bite of a cat (esp. a cat in heat) made a crystal more potent. Hmmm. I guess Wikipedia doesn’t know everything after all.
That pitiful cat…
I’ll take a box of sparking crystals for $50. Don’t mind if it doesn’t revitalize my aura. They are Pretty!!!
Just don’t go for the colon cleanse.
I’m almost certain that all spiritual cleansing involve Canola oil.
At least, all of mine do.
Sparky needs to change his name to Quackle McHealer.
Poor Cat! and Good luck with the coffee table!
I guess there’s no warranty on aura revitalizing, yard cluttering, cat clogging crystals. Who would have thunk?
BTW, Feng shui is an old Japanese saying, which translates (roughly) as; “put all HIS stuff in the garage.” Most people don’t know that.
You crack me up. I had a friend who was into all that stuff and it about killed me to keep a straight face during all the talk.
JD: Does it have the same effect if a randy cat bites your finger?
Sarah: Nevemind the cat, what about my coffee table? 😉
Lisa Lisa: I’d give you Sparky’s number but he’s probably been disconnected by now.
Meg: That was one ‘treat’ I hope Sparky never finds on Wikipedia.
Jinksy: Canola is almost like moisturiser! Apart from the odd smell.
Nanny Goat: Don’t give him ideas! Don’t!
Jah-Arh: I find an old upturned box does the trick re. the table, but my cat will never be the same again.
Damon: So Feng Shui was invented by a woman!
Alice: I know what you mean… my grimmace obviously translated as ‘intense interest’. Ho hum.
Ok-I’ve got some wierd friends, but srsly…
Under no circumstances let him near you with needles of any sort. Listen, first time to your blog. Found via entrecard and the blog you are advertising today. Soooo glad. This post was so very funny. I’ll be back. Regards, Milena