The $50 Guru

My friend Sparky has become a New Age spiritual guru. He apparently experienced a transcendental revelation after falling over a beer cooler at a barbeque. Coincidentally, that same evening his trucker buddy Super Dave offered him a cheap shipment of healing crystals that had materialized in the back of his rig. It was a sign, Sparky told me. If I gave him $50 he would revitalize my aura. Seemed like a bargain.

He brought round a box of sparkling crystals. I was to place them around the house and rub them when I felt my Ch’i take a turn for the worse, although I wasn’t sure what that felt like. The crystals were calming to look at as they twinkled in the sunlight. But after spending $200 on vet fees to retrieve one from my cat’s stomach, I decided to return them. Sparky wouldn’t give me a refund. He said the crystals’ energy was depleted and he couldn’t resell them. And one appeared to have teeth marks.

Trance

Sparky offered to re-energize my house using the Chinese technique of Feng Shui, which he had been studying all day on Wikipedia. He wandered around the house in a trance, sensing levels of free-flowing energy and identifying areas where it got stuck. I heard him make a lot of fuss around the refrigerator, but it turned out he was just making a sandwich to rejuvenate his Ch’i. It was very draining work, he said.

He moved all my furniture to face north, rearranged my wardrobe and asked if he could take the coffee table as it was adversely affecting the energy flow. And a $20 contribution would be appreciated; he would donate it to the local holistic herbalist. To be honest the house didn’t feel energized. I couldn’t see the TV from my north-facing couch and the lack of coffee table was adversely affecting my ability to put anything down.

Massage

Sparky sensed my chakra was misaligned and suggested some hands-on therapy. He was taking an internet course in Thai massage, learning the ancient tradition via a live feed from a Bangkok parlour. Give him a soft towel, massage oil (Canola oil would do) and somewhere to balance his video camera and he would heal me in no time. Super Dave was interested in learning too, could he come along and watch? I declined Sparky’s generous offer and gave him $20 to bugger off. He left me the number of his buddy’s telephone Reiki service and headed off to his holistic herbalist.

I went round to Sparky’s house today to reclaim my coffee table but he was out. Apparently he and Super Dave have given up New Age spirituality and are attending a Hypnotism training course at the local community hall. I’m not falling for that.

If he gives me $50 he can practice on the cat.

 

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