No, this post isn’t about whips and leather fetishes. Maybe I’ll post those pictures later, but in the meantime I have a problem.

It states on my birth certificate I am female, but I wonder if the doctor made a mistake. I appear female, but I’m incapable of being girly. I only own four pairs of shoes, I’ve never been to a spa and I’m terrified of hairdressers. I’ve seen more feminine transvestites (even the ones with beards).

As you may know from my previous beauty attempts my face does not improve with make-up. Attempting to conceal my morning hangover with expensive beauty products, I look like I’m auditioning for a Rob Zombie horror flick. Those beautiful ladies on the make-up adverts promise I’ll look radiant and sexy, but neglect to add “This product will smudge, crack, get stuck in your eye and cause small children to laugh at you in the Post Office’”. Bitches.

But I’m A LADY! I do Lady things!

If my face is a multicolour disaster zone, my nails are even worse. I’ve seen battery farm chickens with better manicures. Not that I would dare have them done professionally – I’d get laughed out the beauty parlour with “I have an emery board, not a magic wand,” ringing in my ears.

Clothes shopping is a retail pastime for proper ladies, but a journey to hell for me. I go out with the intention of buying nice girly dresses. After trying every dress in the store and sobbing in the changing room until Security ejects me, I go home with a t-shirt and a vow never to leave my house again. Why do lady clothes make me look like a bad drag act?

OK, I Give Up

And the horror of wearing high heels! It’s not a sexy walk, more of a lurch. I would rather use the excuse of being drunk and on drugs than admit I’m sober and cannot walk in stilettos. (Although that excuse doesn’t go down well at job interviews, trust me).

So I clatter awkwardly down the street in my transvestite dress and zombie make-up, about to fall off my heels into the path of oncoming traffic. I wonder how many more are like me. Not that I can tell who they are, as they look like bad drag acts too.

I’m going to stop trying to be girly, burn my clothes and become a back-to-earth naturist. Hippies danced around all day with nothing more than a flower in their hair and seemed perfectly happy. I’ll have an excuse never to leave house and if I do, I would be a bad girl. I’ll post some pictures after the cops release me.

They like dressing up in ladies’ clothing over at Humor-Blogs.com

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Lookin' Good Tiggy | 16 Comments »

My friend Sparky has become a New Age spiritual guru. He apparently experienced a transcendental revelation after falling over a beer cooler at a barbeque. Coincidentally, that same evening his trucker buddy Super Dave offered him a cheap shipment of healing crystals that had materialized in the back of his rig. It was a sign, Sparky told me. If I gave him $50 he would revitalize my aura. Seemed like a bargain.

He brought round a box of sparkling crystals. I was to place them around the house and rub them when I felt my Ch’i take a turn for the worse, although I wasn’t sure what that felt like. The crystals were calming to look at as they twinkled in the sunlight. But after spending $200 on vet fees to retrieve one from my cat’s stomach, I decided to return them. Sparky wouldn’t give me a refund. He said the crystals’ energy was depleted and he couldn’t resell them. And one appeared to have teeth marks.

Trance

Sparky offered to re-energize my house using the Chinese technique of Feng Shui, which he had been studying all day on Wikipedia. He wandered around the house in a trance, sensing levels of free-flowing energy and identifying areas where it got stuck. I heard him make a lot of fuss around the refrigerator, but it turned out he was just making a sandwich to rejuvenate his Ch’i. It was very draining work, he said.

He moved all my furniture to face north, rearranged my wardrobe and asked if he could take the coffee table as it was adversely affecting the energy flow. And a $20 contribution would be appreciated; he would donate it to the local holistic herbalist. To be honest the house didn’t feel energized. I couldn’t see the TV from my north-facing couch and the lack of coffee table was adversely affecting my ability to put anything down.

Massage

Sparky sensed my chakra was misaligned and suggested some hands-on therapy. He was taking an internet course in Thai massage, learning the ancient tradition via a live feed from a Bangkok parlour. Give him a soft towel, massage oil (Canola oil would do) and somewhere to balance his video camera and he would heal me in no time. Super Dave was interested in learning too, could he come along and watch? I declined Sparky’s generous offer and gave him $20 to bugger off. He left me the number of his buddy’s telephone Reiki service and headed off to his holistic herbalist.

I went round to Sparky’s house today to reclaim my coffee table but he was out. Apparently he and Super Dave have given up New Age spirituality and are attending a Hypnotism training course at the local community hall. I’m not falling for that.

If he gives me $50 he can practice on the cat.

Massages are free over at Humor-Blogs.com

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Adventures of Sparky & Super Dave | 13 Comments »

“We like tha MOON!“ squealed the Spong Monkeys in their famous ditty. And what’s not to like? It hangs in the sky like a pretty night light, helping countless drunks find their car keys in the dark.

But what do we know about the moon? I decided to investigate. I read a stack of library books on astronomy and astrophysics. To be honest I didn’t understand a word of it, but I’ll have a stab anyway.

Location - The moon is in the sky every night. In the early evening it looks huge, but later on it is just a tiny globe high up. But the moon hasn’t got further away! It’s just an optical illusion.

Sometimes I have the illusion of three or four moons bouncing around the sky. I asked around but it seems only me and the invisible custard squirrels can see them.

Identification – The moon is known as The Moon. It is a moon, but it is not Moon. It’s a pretty stupid name to be honest. Other moons have nice names like Pheobe and Io, so why can’t the moon have a name like Uhuru or Jeffery?

Come to think of it, The Earth is a crap name too. I think it should be renamed Bubbles.

Composition - I consulted the astronomy books for this bit. Words I understood were dust, rock, iron and magnesium. Words I didn’t understand were olivine, clinopryoxine and ilmenite. Apparently the moon has this stuff in it. I don’t know how scientists know, the Apollo astronauts spent most of their time arseing around with flags and moon buggies rather than doing any bloody work.

Effects - The oceans slosh around on Earth due to the moon’s magnetism. This is probably caused by iron molecules colliding with the particulates in the clinopryoxine. I have no frigging idea to be honest. All I do know is the next time I am clinging to the side of a turbulent ferry heaving the contents of my guts overboard, I will have the moon to thank.

Conspiracies - Some people think man has never been into space, let alone the moon. This is crazy. Tom Hanks obviously filmed Apollo 13 in space – you can clearly see the Earth from his spacecraft window.

Others claim the moon landing photos were shot in a secret NASA studio. But how would NASA know what to make the scenery look like if they hadn’t been to the moon? Honestly, some people.

That is all I know about the moon. Now I have to return my astronomy books before the library tracks down who stole them.

They have big shiny helmets and want to play space over at Humor-Blogs.com

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Thinking About Stuff | 15 Comments »

Is it possible to get high without breaking the law? I couldn’t be bothered to waste money on ‘legal high’ seeds or spend hours in the wilderness hunting for mushrooms, so I decided to look around the house for things to bring on that buzz. Honestly, the things I do in the name of research…

Wasabi - A dab of luminous Japanese horseradish provides an instant fiery buzz, so instead of ketchup I dolloped the green goo all over my dinner.

The stinging head rush and physical contortions that followed registered somewhere between orgasm and epileptic fit. Not a pretty sight. My nasal passages are still recovering from 3rd degree burns. Do not attempt wasabi overload at a Japanese restaurant or you’ll be asked to leave.
Legal High – 6/10. If your idea of fun is a fire in your brain, go for it.

Energy Drinks - The TV advert promised to give me wings – sounded like a high time. My mate Sparky (an expert on dubious substances) reckoned the overpriced caffeinated gloop at the local store was useless – the original drink from Thailand would make me fly a lot higher. Conveniently, he had a crate of Thai energy drink in his basement. The medicine bottle-shaped container should have been a warning – but no, I accepted Sparky’s challenge and downed several bottles of the sickly-sweet liquid…

OMG OMG itwaslikeallthesethingsinmymindallnightuhhh-uhhh-uhhh-can’t-sleep-no-sleep-brain thinking-two-thoughts-at-once-wooowooowoooo. And so on, for 14 hours solid.
Legal High – 9/10. More wings than a bucket of KFC.

Spinning - When I was a child I used to spin around until I fell over all dizzy and giggling. It seemed like a good idea to retry this early high so I twirled around in my living room until my brain went flying. Unfortunately, so did my television set and the coffee table. This technique is not a good idea if you’re adult size. And I used to bounce off furniture a lot better when I was 4.
Legal High – 5/10. Thrilling but costly. Try it in a wide open space with a pillow tied to your head.

Hemp Oil - Hemp oil is legal but can contain small traces of THC (the stuff that makes you go floaty and eat seventeen hot dogs in one sitting). I could legally buy this oil in my local store, although the checkout girl gave me a funny look when I slapped 3 litres of it on the counter.

The oil tasted like a cross between peanuts, grass clippings and Castrol GTX. It was overpowering by the spoonful, so I shoved the lot in the blender with some yogurt and made hemp smoothies. I forced the green concoction down awaited the buzz.

Lesson learned – hemp oil won’t get you anywhere near high no matter how much you gulp down. It will, however, make you very regular.
Cure For Constipation – 10/10, Legal High – 0/10. Doesn’t make good smoothies.

Non-Dairy Creamer - I wondered what would happen if I snorted Coffee Mate. It looked powdery and inviting and contained many complex-sounding chemicals that must have some sort of effect. Would I experience an instant non-dairy high? Or just dribble cream out my nostrils? However, the only thing I’m ever likely stick up my nose is a pencil so I declined that challenge.
Legal High – N/A. I’m not that daft.

So unless you enjoy burning your brain, falling over furniture or spending the day on the ceiling or on the toilet, I think it’s safe to say all these legal highs are useless. And this is probably why they’re still legal.

They’re higher than a kite stuck to a kestrel at Humor-Blogs.com

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A Bit High | 14 Comments »