Pornographic movies - they don’t make them like they used to. Nowadays the internet is awash with amateurish peep shows made by wannabe porn stars. It seems everyone and their dog (or goat) has filmed a shoddy prick-flick with no thought to the subtleties of plotline or atmosphere. Not like the classic porn of my youth.

Before internet porn, kids had to satisfy their sexual curiosity by peeking at crispy Playboy magazines or raiding their parents’ stash of ancient pornographic VHS tapes. My pre-teen buddies and I would giggle our way through greasy German epics like Frau Doctor and the oddly-translated Tiger Bitch. The movies were a celebration of wobbly camera work, wobbly breasts and a soundtrack that sounded like a stoned James Last Orchestra playing in a washing machine.

Tongues
The plotlines were fabulous. We couldn’t wait to see how Frau Doctor’s first day on the job went. And the action! Boy on girl, girl on girl, boy and girl on… not quite sure, the camera was out of focus again. Tiger Bitch could unwrap a man in a minute using only her tongue. And she did rude things to other ladies too! We hadn’t thought of that before.

Our impressionable minds began to fill with confusion. How were we going to remember all those positions? Were all men that hairy? Should a penis really go there? And despite the badly dubbed moans of pleasure the ladies didn’t seem to be having much fun. Frau Doctor looked like she needed a dose of painkillers rather than another hairy patient with a swollen crotch problem.

Silly Boys
Sadly, the lessons we learned from these classic movies went to waste. By the time the boys in our class discovered that their thing wasn’t just for pissing, we had all got bored of sex and Tiger Bitch. We dedicated our energy to raiding our parents’ drinks cabinets instead.

Who knows, maybe the good Doctor and her Feline-Canine pal are still entertaining the masses via webcam from their Rhineland seniors’ home.

VHS porn Queens, we salute you!

It's Not Porn, It's Art | 11 Comments »

I love pizza but despair at the concoctions available at my local pizza joint. Italians had it all figured out years ago. Tomato sauce, mozzarella and a scattering of basil, that’s it. It’s worked for centuries so why mess with it?

May Jupiter whack you with thunderbolts if you put any of this stuff on my pie.

Pineapple - Brutal wars have erupted over the contentious issue of fruit on pizza. Possibly. Some crazy people think tomato is a fruit but they are wrong - ever seen a tomato flavour Gummy Worm?

Chunks of tropical fruit should be dangling from pink cocktails, not nestling in melted mozzarella.

Fig, Goat’s Cheese & Prosciutto - Why can’t they just call what it is - ‘Fig and Pig’? Goat’s cheese refuses to melt so burning chunks of it fall into your lap. Even worse than pineapple, fig is full of seeds that stick between your teeth for weeks. The fancy word ‘Prosciutto’ is used to fool vegetarians who think it is some kind of onion.

Non-Italian Cheeses - Was the quaint English town of Cheddar previously a suburb of Rome? Does Monterey Jack originate from the ripe udders of buffalo grazing on the plains of Vesuvius? Do ruddy-cheeked Neopolitan maidens lovingly shred dried-up curds into handy resealable plastic pouches? No.

Donair - If you’re not familiar with this delightful delicacy, Donair meat is slivers of elderly sheep that has been grilled by a lukewarm radiator for several weeks. A pizza shop owner (probably on drugs) tossed this gruesome gristle on a pizza and defiled the dish forever. The Italian Mafia should send him a horse’s head for his sins.

Mind you, he’d probably stick it on the spit and grill that too.

Hamburger - I assume this was inspired by a horrific crash involving a pizza delivery guy and a Burger King truck. I can’t quite comprehend how this pizza works. Are greasy burgers strewn atop the pizza along with lettuce and a bun? Or hidden underneath a mountain of molten cheddar like some monstrous Cheeseburger of Satan? Are there pickles?

Why stop there? Why not add fries, fish sticks, cheesecake and slap another pizza on top? Oh, the horror! The Roman Gods must be glaring down from their Pantheon in rage at these culinary catastrophes.

Actually, this post has made me feel quite hungry. Maybe for the purpose of research I may nibble the edge of that Donair pizza, just to make absolutely sure it tastes as bad as it looks.

*nyom, nyom, nyom*

Hmm, maybe just a bit more…

Drinking Eating & Drinking | 12 Comments »

Great Aunt Tiggylina Butternut-Mynge and her Temperance Society chums eagerly await World War I.

7. Teetotal

The superhuman ability to abstain from all alcoholic beverages.

I tried being teetotal once. I went to a bar and drank only tomato juice. I drank so much I spent the rest of the night vomiting bright red fountains of spaghetti sauce. Even worse, I was sober enough to remember it.

Kids, just say NO to vegetable-based liquid refreshments.

Word Of The Day | 6 Comments »