Not On My Pizza
I love pizza but despair at the concoctions available at my local pizza joint. Italians had it all figured out years ago. Tomato sauce, mozzarella and a scattering of basil, that’s it. It’s worked for centuries so why mess with it?
May Jupiter whack you with thunderbolts if you put any of this stuff on my pie.
Pineapple – Brutal wars have erupted over the contentious issue of fruit on pizza. Possibly. Some crazy people think tomato is a fruit but they are wrong – ever seen a tomato flavour Gummy Worm?
Chunks of tropical fruit should be dangling from pink cocktails, not nestling in melted mozzarella.
Fig, Goat’s Cheese & Prosciutto – Why can’t they just call what it is – ‘Fig and Pig’? Goat’s cheese refuses to melt so burning chunks of it fall into your lap. Even worse than pineapple, fig is full of seeds that stick between your teeth for weeks. The fancy word ‘Prosciutto’ is used to fool vegetarians who think it is some kind of onion.
Non-Italian Cheeses – Was the quaint English town of Cheddar previously a suburb of Rome? Does Monterey Jack originate from the ripe udders of buffalo grazing on the plains of Vesuvius? Do ruddy-cheeked Neopolitan maidens lovingly shred dried-up curds into handy resealable plastic pouches? No.
Donair – If you’re not familiar with this delightful delicacy, Donair meat is slivers of elderly sheep that has been grilled by a lukewarm radiator for several weeks. A pizza shop owner (probably on drugs) tossed this gruesome gristle on a pizza and defiled the dish forever. The Italian Mafia should send him a horse’s head for his sins.
Mind you, he’d probably stick it on the spit and grill that too.
Hamburger – I assume this was inspired by a horrific crash involving a pizza delivery guy and a Burger King truck. I can’t quite comprehend how this pizza works. Are greasy burgers strewn atop the pizza along with lettuce and a bun? Or hidden underneath a mountain of molten cheddar like some monstrous Cheeseburger of Satan? Are there pickles?
Why stop there? Why not add fries, fish sticks, cheesecake and slap another pizza on top? Oh, the horror! The Roman Gods must be glaring down from their Pantheon in rage at these culinary catastrophes.
Actually, this post has made me feel quite hungry. Maybe for the purpose of research I may nibble the edge of that Donair pizza, just to make absolutely sure it tastes as bad as it looks.
*nyom, nyom, nyom*
Hmm, maybe just a bit more…
The more fatty cheese the better, that way you won’t live long enough to worry about the end of the world….Say pepperoni please………
LOL … omg I’m hungry now. I love pineapple & mushrooms, yum. And donairs! OMG … they’re greek, btw … not italian. Love them. The best are at Greco Donair, which is a chain in the Maritime provinces (I can’t remember if you’re in Canada or not) Anyway, love their donairs. It’s better when it’s on pita bread, which is how it’s suppose to be served.
I’m with you on the hamburger tho…eesh.
Hamburger doesn’t belong anywhere near a pizza! I agree with you on that one for sure. The very thought is disgusting.
Some of these toppings are just plain wrong.
OK, I’m italian a s I do love pizza. I don’t mind trying new tastes, but only as long they are actually good. It’s rarely the case.
Also, I like my pizza extremely thin and crispy, crispy being very unusual for Italian standards.
Alex
Donair pizza is awesome, or someting spicy with extra pepperoni. Pinapple is just so gross anyway!
I actually like hamburger on mine, with jalpenos and chedar cheese, make it like a taco…
Great Article Tiggy
gt281 – If that means even more mozzarella, I think you may have a point! It will keep those Neoplitan moo cows in a job.
DrowseyMonkey – I’m probably banned from King of Donair now for mocking their fayre.
Charles – the thought of greasy hamburger on its own makes me quite vomituous (maybe I just made that word up, I’m not sure).
WDS – Amen! And let me now add anything with a stuffed crust to my list of shame.
MC – Could you get me a King of Donair pizza? I may have to wait outside.
AMy – Add a bit of guacomole, sour cream and salsa on top and that might taste ok… On second thoughts, maybe not.
So long as it has meat, I will eat it. 🙂
Chelle – I’m sure the donair guy can whip up a horse’s head and pepperoni special just for you.
Pineapple is an abomination unless it’s pulverized and served in a drink.
Does the “doner kebab” share its origins with Donair pizza? Never hoid of it.
You might enjoy this:
http://www.asylum.com/2008/03/06/the-top-10-cheesiest-pizza-toppings-in-history/
JD – I’m afraid the Doner and Donair are one and the same. It just depends whether you are a Maritimer or not!