4. Taxidermist
Veterinarian for dead animals. Duties include pulling guts from gunned-down moose and posing dead cats in hilarious ‘human-like’ poses.
The vast majority of taxidermists are called Bob.
I’d love to walk into a taxidermist’s studio and say “Hi there Bob, how much to stuff my beaver?”
If anyone has a dead beaver they no longer need, please let me know.
Travel guides – fact or fiction? I once tried to check into a Greek hotel recommended by my travel guide as a “low-cost yet atmospheric guesthouse”. The fact that it was demolished in 1986 apparently didn’t detract from its charm. A writer for Lonely Planet has now admitted that he didn’t actually visit the country he wrote about. Travel writing from home can’t be that difficult. For instance I’ve never been to Norway, but I’m sure I can get the gist of the place if I have a look on Google Earth…
Tiggy’s Lowly Plannit Guide to Norway
All About Norway
The name Norway derives from the Old Norse word Noreeg, which means Norway. Around 4000 Norwegians live there, all of whom are redheads (apart from an African gentleman called Derek). Norway’s topography is several hundred years old and consists of snow, rocks, grass and sky. Indigenous wildlife includes hamsters, penguins, unicorns and Norway’s national symbol, the Gummiwormig, or fruity tree grub.
Interesting Facts About Norway
Norway is a land of lakes and the ground is permanently under 1ft of water. Rubber boots should be worn at all times. Dress like a local and buy a pair of dentalvlossing, traditional waterproof socks made from woven grass and hamsters.
Norway’s capital city is Oslo, which despite being waterlogged has more outdoor cafes than any city in the world. In fact, all cafes and shops are outside due to an 1857 law banning the indoors. Unfortunately alcohol is also banned in Norway, so ask the waiter for a glass of Longsnot, a traditional brew of honey, grass and hamsters.
Things To Do In Oslo
Take a stroll down Oslo’s main street, Mainstreetoslo St, and pop into (or rather out to) one of the numerous local bakeries. Try a snaeshite, a traditional cake made from snow, grass and unicorn tears. Delicious.
Stay at the popular budget hotel Greasibrotelflop Haus, just off the main street. Costing only 100 Norwegian pesos a night, price includes breakfast and a complimentary massage by lovely redheaded hostess Bjorkga Sukkoksson…
…You know, this travel writing is a piece of snaeshite. I’m sure no-one goes to Norway anyway, so I’m going to submit this to Lonely Planet and wait for the cheque to arrive. Next stop, Vladivostok…
My language is often less than lady-like. I could give a 350lb Docker with a spade through his foot a run for his money in a swearing contest. I didn’t want admit I had a problem until I called my boss a cock pirate (to be fair, he took it entirely out of context). It was time to act.
Sign of Intelligence
I joined the No Cussing Club. Happy orange-shirted kiddies smiled at me from their website in encouragement. I too could a live profanity-free life! All I had to do was swear a pledge of allegiance (without swearing), buy an orange Club wristband and my potty mouth would be silenced forever! I couldn’t let the children down.
“I won’t cuss, swear, use bad language, or tell dirty jokes. Clean language is the sign of intelligence and always demands respect. I will use my language to uplift, encourage and motivate. I will Leave People Better Than I Found Them!”
I made it through the oath but as I tried to order my wristband my computer crashed. “Fuck!” I yelled, and realized I’d broken my pledge in under two minutes. “FUCK!” I exclaimed again as I realized I’d just said ‘fuck’. This was going to be tough.
Switzerland
The website suggested I try alternatives to swear words. Just use an everyday word, the first one that pops into your head. My friends began to wonder whether I was high on drugs as I randomly shouted out “Switzerland!” “Fudge Bucket!” and “Wooden Monkey Carving!”. The fact that these were the first words to pop into my head was worrying. Maybe the Club wristband was affecting my circulation.
I sounded like a Dictionary with Tourette’s and was becoming reluctant to speak in case I slipped up. I imagined tears running down the children’s orange glowing faces as I wrestled with my fudges and fucks. I had failed the No Cussing Club kids.
I’m sorry kids. It’s not that I have a limited vocabulary and don’t know lots of big clever words. But sometimes only a fuck will do. When you’re grown up and you put a spade through your foot you’ll understand.
3. Piggle
Not officially a word. You can piggle your finger at or in something, like a cross between a wiggle and a pig I suppose. Pigs don’t have fingers but I’m sure if they did they would piggle worms out the ground with them.
Do pigs eat worms? I can’t say I’ve noticed.
Alright, I can see why that word isn’t in the dictionary.
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