There’s something wrong with my TV. It only shows CSI. No matter which channel I flick to, I still see Gil Grissom prodding a mutilated carcass. Every fucking channel. The CSI team continues to probe blood-spattered bodies all evening. A perfectly coiffured woman slices into a cadaver and harps on about seminal fluid and slash marks. There’s a time and a place for seminal fluid and it isn’t while I’m eating my dinner.

My faulty TV is now subjecting me to a visual horror show. Sweaty fat guys weld motorcycles, plastic teenies squawk Whitney Houston songs and hyperactive Americans demand I buy Super Bam Power Juicer. Realizing this parade of televisual twats is what constitutes entertainment these days, I’ve decided to cash in and develop my own shows to flog to the networks.

Celebrity CSI: A reality show contestant is brutally murdered. A team of other reality show celebrities don rubber gloves and tap bleeping computers to work out who did it. Of course this being a reality show, the unlucky celeb will be sacrificed for real. The victim’s family should be informed of their loss live on TV - think of the ratings!

Infomovies: Movies are practically two-hour long infomercials these days (yes David “Ooh, product placement all over my new movie! Nike! Buy Nike!!” Schwimmer, I’m talking to you). Why not have movie-length commercials? Get Brad or George to pump the Bowflex® Home Gym for two hours. Throw in a sub-plot involving terrorists, homicidal pirates and a shower scene and you’re on to a Bowflex® marketing winner.

Everybody Loves Everybody: Nice middle class family (with a seemingly endless supply of money) headed by lovable chubby guy called Jim. Crime, disease and ethnic minorities do not exist in Jim’s world, apart from one token black friend who gets all the worst lines. Hilarious plots include:

- Jim sneaking out to watch the ball game - just wait until Mrs. Jim finds out!
- Jim arguing with his cantankerous mother-in-law. She’s not bitter because she’s lonely and marginalized, of course.
- Trailer trash neighbour stealing the lawn mower, barbeque etc. Stupid poor people are funny!

It’s a tried and tested sitcom formula so why do anything else?

Nice Fluffy Family Happy Fun Time: To keep those right-wing religious zealots happy, I’m developing a family show just for them. Imagine a wholesome hour filled with children’s spelling bees, jolly songs about Jesus and how lovely he is, children petting puppies, jolly ladies doing jigs, puppies judging spelling bees and jigging children petting Jesus. And knitting. There should be a lovely knitting segment, with sweaters and spinning and jigging. None of those nasty liberal wool colours like indigo and orange. Just nice shades of beige. Amen.

House on Houses: Cranky medic Dr Gregory House helps young couple get on the property ladder by showing them around overpriced apartments (how the hell young couple can afford them is a mystery). Deal closes just in time for House to rush back to hospital to save a young girl from Lupus etc, etc.

Why struggle for original ideas and innovation when you can make easy money recycling the same old formats over and over? And if it makes Rupert Murdoch and Jim Shaw even more money, it can only be a good thing.
Can’t it?

TV Land | 6 Comments »

Two whole words of the day, you lucky people! I must be on happy drugs.

5. Spong

A real word. And you thought piggle was made up. Referring to “irregular, narrow, projecting part of a field” I believe it is also the sound tofu makes when you poke it with a fork.

If Tofu was called Spong they would sell a lot more of it.

6. Tofu

A tasteless wobbly substance with a texture similar to the stuff you find clogging household drainpipes. Curdled bean scrapings are compressed to form mattress-sized slabs of quivering goo. Springy enough to use as a mattress but usually chopped up and put into vegetarian products instead of real food.

The Tofu marketing department missed a trick by not calling it Spong.

Word Of The Day | 3 Comments »

I take ten minutes to put on my make up. Five minutes to apply, then five minutes to take it off again as I usually look worse than when I started. My bathroom cabinet contains more chemicals than a crystal meth lab.

I’ve tried every overpriced beauty product on the market and still look like a bag of spanners. I cannot buy beauty at the drugstore, so I’ve come up with some cheaper alternatives.

 
· Try some old-fashioned home remedies. Drinking apple cider vinegar is supposed to be great for the complexion. I couldn’t remember whether I was supposed to consume one teaspoon or one litre a day, so I tried both. It’s one teaspoon.

· Drink eight glasses of water a day to keep your body hydrated. Improve the taste with a dash of lemon, fruit juice or white rum.

· Consume at least five portions of fruit or vegetables a day. I’ve discovered a cocktail at my local bar that contains both orange and grapefruit juice, so three of those and I’ve done it. The fruit juice counteracts the negative impact of the alcohol. Probably.

· Get as much sleep as you can. Three fruit cocktails send me to sleep for hours, so I can kill two birds with one stone.

· Make cheap facial masks using ingredients from your fridge. A mask made with beaten egg, maple syrup and cheese whiz gives my face a nice orangey glow.

· Cigarettes are bad for your complexion, so avoid them. The beauty magazines don’t mention avoiding water bongs however, so I think we’re okay with those.

· Moisturizer is essentially grease in a fancy pot, so use leftover cooking oil to keep your skin shiny and soft (remove crumbs and chicken finger fragments before use). And recycling your oil instead of pouring it down your neighbour’s drain is more eco-friendly.

· Yoga. Apparently sitting on one arse cheek with your arm in the air for two hours is good for your body and mind. Combine this with watching TV or playing video games and you’ll be looking good in no time. You must wear a leotard while doing it otherwise it won’t work.

 
If you follow this advice and still look hideous, remove the mirrors from your house and shut your eyes when walking past anything reflective.
I find this technique works wonders.

Lookin' Good Tiggy | 12 Comments »